Relationships

5 Rules From Renee Rapp That Belong in the Queer Girl Handbook

August 19, 2025

There’s nothing like a late-night group chat to make you question your life choices, your love life, and whether you’ve been doing this whole friendship thing wrong. That’s exactly the energy Renee Rapp brings to her conversation with Gabby Windey on Long Winded—except the drama is intentional and the insight hits harder. The two get into what makes queer friendship feel different, why sex talk can be both unhinged and healing, and how not all rooms deserve your energy.

Here are Windey and Rapp’s unfiltered rules that double as a cheat sheet for living it out loud.

Rule #1: If you find 1, you’ll find 10

“I’m always dying to get lesbians on the podcast…there’s just like not enough of ’em,” Windey says. “But we all at least know each other…when you get one, you have 10,” Rapp fires back. Basically, once you meet one cool queer person, you’ve unlocked the whole crew. It’s not magic. It’s just how queer networks tend to work. There’s even a name for it: homophily, which means we naturally gravitate toward people with shared experiences.

For LGBTQ+ folks, that connection runs deep. These friendships often turn into chosen family: the ones who text you back fast, hype you up when you need it, and make the group chat feel like home. According to research, that kind of community support is tied to better mental health outcomes. So when someone brings you in? Don’t overthink it. Say yes, show up, and let the queer ripple effect do what it does.

Rule #2: Stick to rooms that don’t make you shrink

Not every space deserves your full self. You’ve probably felt it before—those moments when you start filtering your voice, second-guessing your references, or wondering if you’re “too much” for the room. That’s usually your sign. “Being culturally gay and gay is very different. If you’re not culturally queer, I’m not really feeling like I want to hang out,” Rapp says.

She’s not gatekeeping. She’s pointing out the difference between being in the queer community and feeling like you belong in it. According to a 2024 report from The Trevor Project, LGBTQ+ young adults who have affirming spaces report significantly lower rates of depression and anxiety. Translation: Finding your fit isn’t optional. It’s self-preservation.

Rule #3: Normalize the good stuff (sex included)

We talk about our breakups and situationships, but for some reason, when it comes to sex that’s actually going well, the group chat gets quiet. Rapp’s not here for that silence. “Love scissoring,” she says. “Some people are like, ‘No no no.’ I’m like, are we dense? It’s so fun!” Windey backs her up: “It feels animalistic. It feels primal. It also feels like sex.”

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Queer sex doesn’t always follow a script, and that’s what makes it good. So instead of overthinking it or acting like certain things don’t “count,” normalize the moments that do. Talk about what you like. Celebrate when it clicks. Give your friends space to do the same. The more you name what feels good, the easier it is to unlearn the shame that never should’ve been there in the first place.

Rule #4: Let your type be weird

Rapp and Windey are loud and proud about their “weird” types—and not in a quirky-for-the-aesthetic way. “I’m into old lesbians,” Windey admits. “That’s how I know I’m a lesbian. The 50-year-olds, they do it for me.” Without skipping a beat, Rapp says, “A 50-year-old man is a f***ing hate crime, but a 50-year-old lesbian is a goddamn delight.”

Your type doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you. Attraction doesn’t need to be justified, and it definitely doesn’t need to follow what everyone else is doing on Hinge. Whether it’s older femmes, masc cuties in oversized hoodies, or someone who just gets your memes, lean in. You’re not weird—you’re specific.

Rule #5: Handle your exes like an adult

Some exes belong in the past—buried under a playlist and a block button. But others? They might just turn out to be ride-or-dies. “I used to be like, I don’t understand how people are friends with their exes. I think it’s so weird,” Rapp admits. “Until I started having really good friends who I’ve actually dated before…and I’m like, ‘This is kind of cool.’”

There’s a chance it can evolve without drama, she says, if the connection was always more “friend with a crush” than full-blown soulmate.

That said, not every ex deserves a second act, but if the vibes are solid and the feelings are clean, staying friends doesn’t have to be taboo. Just be honest with yourself about why you’re still in touch. If it’s not serving you, it’s okay to tap out.

You don’t need a handbook for queer friendship, but Windey and Rapp’s rules come pretty close. They’re honest, unfiltered, and just make sense.