Red Flag Alert: Signs They May Be Love Bombing You

In our dating app dystopia, finding someone you actually connect with feels like stumbling across a Birkin at an estate sale. So when someone seems really into you right off the bat, it can feel amazing. But how do you know when connection and enthusiasm crosses the line into love bombing?

On Coming in Hot, Caroline Baudino delivers a reality check: Excessive adoration isn’t romance—it’s manipulation.

What does Baudino think?

“I can promise you, no one is obsessed with you,” Baudino says. It might hurt your ego to hear this, but if someone is acting like they’re in love with you before they’ve even really gotten to know you, something is very wrong. 

Baudino has some tough, but all-too-real, words of advice if someone is coming on this strong from the first date. 

 “When we’re young and gorgeous and beautiful and free, we think everyone’s obsessed with us. We think everyone is staring at us. We think everybody loves us,” Baudino continues. The reality is people are more self-centered than that. “No one is staring at you, no one cares about you, everyone is so self absorbed, that no one’s worried about you. Everyone’s so obsessed with themselves, with what they’re doing, what’s going on in their lives, their problems that they’re not looking.”

How does this apply to love bombing? Well, if you know that people are inherently self-absorbed, it should make you question the level of connection someone could possibly be feeling so early in the courtship process. Can someone really be “dead in love with you” after the first date?

What does love bombing actually look like? 

The Cleveland Clinic defines love bombing as “a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them.” 

This can look different from person to person, but some of the typical tactics include:

• Excessive flattery and praise.
• Over-communication of their feelings for you.
• Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts.
• Early and intense talks about your future together.

Why is this behavior abusive?

Okay, but even if someone is coming on too strong, couldn’t it be that they’re just trying to impress me? What’s wrong with that?

Baudino answers that question with a different one. Why do they need to impress you so badly? “What are they hiding? Why are they trying to blind you with this? What don’t they want you focusing on?” she urges us to consider.

Unfortunately, Baudino adds that there’s problem with someone operating on this level from the jump. Nobody can maintain that performance: “No one’s in that good of a mood every day. No one is that dead in love every day. No one wants to kiss ass that much every day. That is just not humanly possible.”

In a healthy relationship, both partners get to be fully human. “John and I both get moody,” Baudino shares about her own relationship. “Sometimes we’re both not in a good mood at the same time and it sucks.” 

When the love bomber eventually drops the act—which they will—you’ll be left wondering what you did wrong. “When the guys change, all of a sudden they’re like, ‘Oh my god, they’re different, they’ve changed,’” Baudino says. “You’re going to be disappointed.”

Even worse:  “Obsession leads to jealousy,” Baudino says. “Obsession leads to something that can’t be controlled, and that’s something that can’t be sustained.”

Why do people love bomb?

According to Baudino, love bombing is “a control issue. Anybody who is love bombing you […] they want control over you. They want power over you, because the second that somebody is ‘taking care of’ you, paying for you, doing everything for you, they have power over you.”

That’s how women can end up in abusive or controlling situations. Baudino says to ask yourself: Do you feel indebted to this person because they’re buying you things or giving you tons of attention? “Imagine that she just feels indebted over a dinner,” Baudino poses. “What happens after 10 years of marriage? Two kids? How indebted do you feel?”

How can we avoid love bombers?

The key, according to Baudino, is to ditch the fantasy of a knight in shining armor. 

“You’ve been told that someone’s gonna save you, and you’re gonna be dead in love, and you’re gonna be so happy and you’re supposed to be married with kids and living this fairytale life. And when the years start to go by and it’s not happening, you start to panic. Then when you panic, you start to get insecure and you start to make bad f***ing decisions.”

Focus on your own empowerment and know your worth: “You do not need to be married,” says Baudino. “You do not need to be with anyone to be important, to be successful, to be loved, to be seen, heard, and respected. You get that from you. The only person who can guarantee that for you is you.”

Easier said than done, right? But it takes practice. “Go look in the mirror and go fucking tell yourself how fabulous you are and how much you love yourself, and focus on that person because when you’re strong, when you are capable, when you feel smart, when you know you can do hard things, you have boundaries. You set standards. Once you’re not desperate, you don’t fall for the bullshit.”

Listen to the whole episode for more tips on how to spot a love bomber, and check out more hot takes on millennial dating here.