Relationships

One Relationship Coach Says You May Be 2 Habits Away From a Better Relationship

April 28, 2026

If dating has started to feel like a second job with even worse benefits, welcome to the club. But relationship coach Amy Chan has a refreshing take she’s sharing with listeners on Girls Gotta Eat. Many people aren’t doomed, unlucky, or “behind” in love—they’re simply stuck in habits they don’t realize they’re repeating. “Most people are only one to two shifts away from being able to create a healthy relationship,” Chan states.

That might mean choosing people who trigger chaos instead of consistency. It might mean mistaking preferences for deal breakers. It might even mean showing up to every first date like you’re conducting a background check for a future spouse.

Romantic, right? Maybe not…but it’s practical. Instead of telling people to download another app or manifest harder, Chan is focusing on behavior changes that actually move the needle.

So if your current dating plan is “keep doing the same thing and complain in the group chat,” consider this your wake up call.

You might be calling preferences deal breakers

Chan says one of the biggest traps in modern dating is treating personal preferences like hard-line requirements. A certain salary, specific career path, exact height, elite social circle, niche hobbies—many of these can sound important on paper, but they don’t always predict whether someone will be a good long-term partner.

She shares an example of a client who insisted a partner needed “10 million of net worth” because she was financially successful herself. After talking it through, they realized the real need had nothing to do with a number in a bank account. Sometimes people create hyper-specific standards to feel safe or in control, especially after disappointing relationships. But overly rigid filters can block genuinely compatible people before they ever get a chance.

Chan also points to research showing many “shiny qualities” people fixate on—looks, status, surface-level lifestyle markers—aren’t what keep couples strong over time. The better questions are the practical ones: “How well do you handle conflict together? How committed are they? Do you feel appreciated by them?”

That’s not to say you’re not allowed to have preferences…everyone has them. But if your checklist is longer than your patience, it may be worth asking whether you’re protecting your peace or closing yourself off from connection.

Stop trying to solve someone on date one

Chan says many daters walk into a first date acting like they need to make a final decision by the end of the night. They’re mentally fast-forwarding to marriage, kids, logistics, and whether this stranger would fit into a five-year plan instead of just enjoying the night together.

She advises her clients to scale the pressure way down. In the earliest stage, you’re not conducting a life audit—you’re simply seeing if there’s enough interest to continue. “That’s just a vibe check,” she says.

She notes that many people, especially those who feel short on time, approach date one trying to answer huge questions immediately. “Are you going to be my future baby daddy?” she jokes, describing the energy some people bring into early dating. It may sound funny, but when you’re evaluating someone too intensely too soon, you often miss the chance to experience natural chemistry or curiosity.

Chan believes real compatibility takes time to uncover. So instead of trying to solve the whole puzzle in one night, focus on the next step. Did you feel comfortable? Was the conversation easy? That’s plenty of information for round one.

The wrong kind of chemistry feels familiar

Chan says one of the hardest dating truths to accept is that chemistry isn’t always a sign of compatibility. Sometimes what feels electric is actually anxiety or a pattern your nervous system already knows well.

That’s why people can become deeply attached to someone who gives very little back. Chan calls it the “breadcrumb diet”—“It’s just enough to keep your attention and keep that tether, but never enough to keep you full.” A random text, an Instagram like, one great night every few months. Basically just small doses of attention that can keep someone emotionally hooked far longer than they’d like to admit.

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She explains that inconsistency can intensify obsession because your mind wants closure. When someone is hot and cold, the brain keeps trying to solve the puzzle. She also notes that many people mistake peaceful for boring because they’re used to that chaos. If emotional highs and lows have been your normal, consistency can feel unfamiliar at first.

Pay attention to how someone makes you feel over time. Calm, cared for, and secure may not give you butterflies on command—but it’s often a much better foundation than confusion disguised as passion.

Dating works better when the stakes come down

Chan believes many people make dating harder by attaching huge meaning to every interaction. Her solution is to lower the pressure and treat dating like an experiment. Instead of asking whether each person is the one, ask what the experience can teach you. “What if instead of viewing each dating experience as a means to an end, you saw it as part of the grander journey,” she says.

When the stakes come down, you’re more present, less performative, and far less likely to spiral over someone you met 47 minutes ago. You can notice whether you actually enjoy them instead of trying to force a perfect outcome.

Chan also encourages people to meet different kinds of partners rather than chasing the same type on repeat. Curiosity tends to create better results than rigid expectations.

And if a date goes nowhere? It still counts. Every connection gives you information…not even about the person but about yourself. What feels good, what drains you, what patterns keep showing up, and what you’re finally ready to outgrow—the list goes on and on.

Sometimes the best thing a bad date gives you is clarity. That’s still progress.

To hear the full conversation and all of Chan’s advice, listen to Girls Gotta Eat wherever you get your podcasts.