Relationships

Your Attachment Style Can Explain a Lot, But It Doesn’t Explain Everything

June 15, 2026

If you’ve ever blamed your attachment style for a relationship ending, welcome to the club. We diagnose ourselves (and our exes, for that matter) as avoidant while analyzing TikToks explaining why someone took six hours to text us back.

But according to Dr. Amir Levine, psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and co-author of Attached, attachment styles were never meant to become identities. “We don’t have to reduce ourselves to these attachment styles and just live with it for the rest of our lives,” he explains to Carla Bezanson on a recent episode of Don’t Think. “And you can actually become securely attached.”

If you’ve ever thought, This is just how I am, this is your official reminder that growth is possible. Your attachment style isn’t your personality—it’s information. And while it might not stop you from rereading a two-word text five times before responding, it does mean you’re not stuck repeating the same patterns forever.

How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships, According to an Expert

Hyperaware doesn’t mean ‘too much’

If you’ve ever been accused of overthinking a text message or reading too much into someone’s tone, you might identify with an anxious attachment style. But Levine has a more positive take. “The research really shows that people have an anxious attachment style, they can see things, cues, things in the environment, people’s faces, people’s expressions, other things that other people can’t see,” he says.

Basically, sensitivity isn’t inherently a flaw. The challenge comes when that awareness turns into constantly scanning for signs that a relationship is about to fall apart. As Levine explains, “Everything feels very dangerous and very scary.” A delayed response becomes proof that someone’s losing interest, and a slight shift in energy feels catastrophic. But try to separate that intuition from fear.

When closeness feels overwhelming

Avoidantly attached people often get painted as the villains of modern dating discourse, but Levine encourages a little more empathy. “They still remain in the relationship, but they instill different ways, it’s called deactivating strategies,” he says.

And distance doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. “They do want to connect, but they feel overwhelmed. Sometimes they just don’t know how to deal with it well,” Levine says. It doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can create space for more productive conversations about needs or boundaries.

Secure people aren’t mythical creatures

People with a secure attachment style value closeness without becoming consumed by it. Levine describes them as “very warm and loving,” adding that “they have a really, really secure outlook on life.”

Securely attached people don’t spend all day analyzing what a period at the end of a text message means. They trust the stability of their relationships and communicate directly. And perhaps most importantly, they can model what emotional safety looks like for the people around them.

Wanting love while fearing it at the same time

Fearful avoidant attachment can feel especially confusing because it pulls people in opposite directions. “With one hand, you say, ‘Come closer.’ And on the other hand, you say, ‘Stay away, stay away.’”

Levine explains that it’s “really wanting a relationship and feeling incomplete without a relationship. But when you are with someone, you feel overwhelmed.” The result can be an exhausting push-and-pull relationship where intimacy is deeply desired but difficult to tolerate.

You are allowed to change

The good news is that attachment styles aren’t permanent identities. “Our attachment styles really change and morph throughout our lifetime,” Levine says.

He also notes that “You can actually have different attachment styles with different people.” Certain relationships may bring out more security, while others amplify anxiety or avoidance.

Once you understand the different attachment styles, you can recognize your patterns and create relationships that feel safer and more supportive over time. “We don’t have to reduce ourselves to these attachment styles and just live with it for the rest of our lives,” Levine says. And thank goodness for that.

To hear the full conversation, listen to Don’t Think with Carla Bezanson wherever you get your podcasts.