Relationships

Why You Keep Dating the Same Type of Person, According to ‘Scheananigans’

February 2, 2026

You know the pattern. You meet someone, there’s instant chemistry, butterflies, that magnetic pull you can’t explain. And then—plot twist—they’re emotionally unavailable. Or hot and cold. Or they ghost after three amazing dates. You swear you’re going to stop falling for this type. And then you do it again.

Here’s the thing: it’s not bad luck or that you secretly love chaos. There’s actually a scientific reason you keep ending up here and it has everything to do with what’s running in the background of your brain.

On Scheananigans, host Scheana Shay sits down with attachment expert Thais Gibson to unpack why we love the way we do, and more importantly, how to change it. So if you’ve ever thought, why does this keep happening to me?—keep reading. You just might finally understand why your “type” keeps showing up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OF1VvOgMikUu0026list=PLmf2qSa7K9m_cfjRdgL0Rima7CzcpRseVu0026index=1

The board game problem

Before you blame bad timing, bad communication, or the dating apps, it helps to understand what’s actually driving these patterns in the first place. According to Gibson, it starts with something most people don’t realize they even have: an attachment style.

“Your attachment style is your subconscious set of rules that you’ve been conditioned with in regards to how to give and receive love and what to expect in relationships,” she explains. These rules get programmed into us early, through our relationship with our primary caregivers, and then they run on autopilot in every romantic relationship we have as adults.

The problem? Everyone’s working from a different rulebook. Gibson uses a board game analogy that makes it click: “If you sit down to play a board game with somebody and you have the rules for Monopoly and I have the rules for Scrabble, even if you want to have the best time with somebody, you’re going to have all of this confusion and unnecessary friction because you literally have different rules.”

And this isn’t a small thing. Your subconscious mind, Gibson points out, is responsible for about 95 percent of your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions. Your logical brain—the part that says “I want a healthy relationship”—handles maybe 5 percent. That means most of how you show up in love isn’t a conscious choice, but programming.

Why you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to

That instant chemistry you feel with certain people might not be compatibility. It might be familiarity. And familiarity isn’t always a good thing. “We are attracted to what’s most familiar to us,” Gibson says. “Which is actually the way we treat ourselves.”

Let that sink in. If you constantly dismiss your own needs, prioritize everyone else, and tell yourself your feelings aren’t that important, it makes sense that you’d be drawn to people who mirror that back to you. For anxiously attached people, that often means avoidant partners. For avoidant people, it might mean someone whose pursuit feels overwhelming—and oddly comfortable at the same time.

Gibson says that your logical brain might be saying, I want the emotionally available partner. But your subconscious? That part is way more interested in what it already knows. “Your subconscious mind is like, ‘Ooo, the butterflies,’” she explains. “That pull can feel almost addictive because it’s your subconscious comfort zone.”

And that’s how the push-pull dynamic starts. One person chases. The other retreats. Nobody’s doing it on purpose, and nobody ends up feeling secure—but the dynamic feels familiar enough to keep repeating. It can feel like passion, sure. In reality though, it’s often just two people unknowingly poking each other’s deepest wounds on loop.

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How to actually rewire

Chances are, you’ve already tried to fix this with affirmations. You’ve said the right things. You’ve repeated the mantras. And you’ve also told yourself you’re done chasing people who can’t meet you halfway. And yet, after saying “I am worthy of love” until you’re blue in the face, nothing actually changes.

There’s a reason for that.

“Affirmations just speak to your conscious mind,” Gibson explains. “Nobody is carrying their triggers and wounds at a conscious level…the conscious mind speaks language. The subconscious mind speaks in emotions and images.”

She gives an example: if someone tells you don’t think about a pink elephant, your brain immediately does. Words don’t matter. The image does. That’s why telling yourself you deserve better doesn’t automatically make you believe it. Your subconscious needs something it can actually see and feel.

So instead of more affirmations, Gibson suggests working with the subconscious on its own terms. Her approach is a simple 21-day reset:

First, name the core wound that keeps showing up—something like I’m not good enough or I’ll be abandoned. Then flip it. Find the opposite. Proof that you are enough. Proof that people stay.
Next, come up with ten real memories where that opposite was true. Not affirmations. Actual moments. Times you felt chosen, supported, steady. Record yourself talking through them, then listen back every day for 21 days. As you listen, picture the moments. Feel them.

That repetition is the point. It teaches your nervous system something new long enough for it to stick. “It’s not your fault. You did not raise your hand and say, ‘I want this conditioning,'” Gibson says. “It’s not your fault at all and it is your responsibility.”

In other words, your attachment style isn’t who you are. It’s something you learned. And anything learned can be unlearned. The butterflies might feel like chemistry, but sometimes they’re just your nervous system recognizing something familiar. The goal is teaching it that safe can feel good, too.

For more insight, tune into Scheananigans, streaming now wherever you get your podcasts.