Aurora Culpo Says This Is How You Know Your Good Marriage Isn’t the Right Marriage

You know that friend who’s dating someone who looks perfect on paper but something just feels…off? Maybe they’re kind, successful, and everyone loves them, but there’s no spark. Or maybe that friend is you, and you’re wondering why you feel restless in a relationship that should make you happy. The uncomfortable truth is that sometimes good enough just isn’t good enough.

On Barely Filtered, host Aurora Culpo sits down with author Amber Rae to unpack one of the most complicated relationship questions: What do you do when you’re in a good marriage that isn’t the right marriage? Rae, who left her nine-year relationship for someone she describes as her soulmate, breaks down the difference between settling for safety and holding out for what’s truly meant for you. 

The signs your ‘good’ marriage isn’t your ‘right’ marriage

The most confusing relationships to leave are often the ones that look great from the outside. “I was with a good man, but he wasn’t my man,” Rae admits. “And we had a very sexless relationship. I was unfulfilled, I felt lonely.” From the outside, it checked all the boxes—travel, mutual friends, no blowout fights—but that surface-level harmony covered up a deeper emptiness. Rae even remembers thinking, “Wait, what the hell? Like how did I get here?”

Experts call this the “good enough” trap. There aren’t any glaring red flags, but there’s no spark either. And if this feels familiar, you’re not the only one. A recent survey found one in four Americans admit their relationship has lost its spark, showing up as fewer romantic gestures, fading passion, or just going through the motions.

So, how do you know if you’re in that spot? Look past the checklist—financial security, routines, social approval—and tune into how you actually feel. Do you light up when they walk in the room, or just shrug and keep scrolling? Are you craving intimacy but living more like roommates? Those are signs you’re in a “good” marriage that might not be your right one.

Are you an overstayer or over-leaver?

Before making any major relationship decisions, Rae suggests examining your own patterns around commitment. “Some people are overstayers and some people are over-leavers,” she explains. Understanding which camp you fall into can help you make more conscious choices.

Overstayers are “the person who loves harmony, who tends to please, who doesn’t wanna let anybody down” and “they tend to stick it out for longer than is healthy for them.” If this sounds like you, your instinct to leave might actually be worth listening to, even if it feels scary or selfish.

Over-leavers, on the other hand, bail at the first sign of conflict or challenge. If you tend to run when things get difficult, the advice to “work through it” might actually apply to you. The key is honest self-assessment: Are you leaving because you’re avoiding necessary growth, or because you’re finally honoring your actual needs?

What commitment really means

Commitment often gets framed as sticking it out no matter what. Stay married. Stay loyal. Stay because you said you would. Rae pushes back on that idea and offers a different perspective. “What is commitment and what are vows?” she asks. “You have the choice—they have to have the choice to leave. Otherwise, what are the stakes? What is someone showing up for? Are they committed to doing their own self work? Are they committed to showing up for the relationship? Like what are we actually committing to?”

Despite what some people may think, commitment isn’t the same thing as staying put. Merriam-Webster defines it as a pledge or promise to remain dedicated. Relationship experts expand on that and say real commitment is choosing your partner and choosing the relationship again and again. That means showing up in ways that make the bond stronger, not just clocking in as a body on the couch. “If it’s just commitment for commitment’s sake, but no one’s doing the work to make the commitment work, then what are we doing here?” Rae adds.

Healthy commitment means doing, not just staying. It looks like having hard conversations instead of avoiding them. It looks like growing as individuals and then bringing that growth back into the partnership. It looks like caring about your partner’s happiness as much as your own. A marriage that is alive with that kind of energy has staying power. A marriage that runs on autopilot does not.

The difference between safe love and soul love

The most striking part of Rae’s story is how she describes meeting her now-husband. “Time slowed in this very strange way,” she says. “I turned and my eyes connected with John and I had this kind of full body time slowing moment of like, I’m home.” The connection was instant and mutual. “It wasn’t like this heat, like I want [him] moment. It was just like, ‘Oh, that’s my soulmate,’” she recalls.

That kind of recognition feels very different from the calculated logic that goes into choosing a “safe” relationship. Rae admits she “made safe choices in love” to avoid the abandonment anxiety she carried from childhood. A lot of people do this, picking the reliable option because it feels easier than risking heartbreak.

But there’s a difference between steady and settling. Safe can keep you comfortable, but soul love challenges you to grow. With her husband, Rae says there are “peaks and valleys” and real conflict, but she never questions whether he’s her person. That kind of security doesn’t come from avoiding hard moments. It comes from knowing you’re with someone who will meet you in them.

Catch the full conversation with Aurora Culpo and Amber Rae on Barely Filtered, streaming now wherever you get your podcasts.

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