The Emotional Whiplash of Caring for Aging Parents: Whitney Port Opens Up About the Guilt No One Talks About

If you’re juggling school pickup and checking whether your mom’s nurse showed up, you’re living the reality Whitney Port lays bare on With Whit. In a raw conversation with Care.com general manager and social worker Jill McNamara, Port talks about caring for her mom as her memory declines while still being a present partner and parent. It’s heavy, and she doesn’t sugarcoat it. 

McNamara names what so many people quietly carry—anticipatory grief, resentment, burnout, and the pressure to do it all yourself. She admits she watched her own mom “completely lose herself” caring for her grandmother and refuses to repeat that pattern.

Together, Port and McNamara walk through what it means to set boundaries and bring in outside help, all while still feeling like a good child.

You’re doing the best you can—believe that

Port spends much of the episode wrestling with the same question so many adult children whisper to themselves: “Am I doing enough?” She admits that every day at 11 a.m., when her mom’s nurse arrives, her brain drifts to the version of reality her mom would prefer—“she would so rather have me there or be living in my house.” That guilt sits heavy, even when the choice is impossible.

But McNamara doesn’t dismiss those feelings. She normalizes them and reframes what caregiving actually looks like. “Caregiving isn’t just these physical tasks,” she reminds Port. Emotional presence counts just as much. Being the person who brings joy, companionship, and calm into the room is care—even if someone else handles the medication or mobility support.

“You’re doing the best you can,” McNamara states. Not in a pat-on-the-head way, but as a boundary. It’s a reminder many people need but resist hearing—loving someone deeply doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself to the point of disappearing.

A care team can change everything

Port says she spent months thinking she and her siblings had to brute-force their way through every decision and appointment. Five adult children, yet the weight still felt lopsided and overwhelming. It wasn’t until she reached out for help that something finally shifted. 

After her session with a Care.com senior care advisor, she says it was “the most cathartic and helpful half hour of my life.” McNamara explains that relief hits so hard because most families try to operate as a one-person caregiving unit until they burn out. “Families need a guide,” she says—someone who can assess safety, care needs, emotional dynamics, and next steps without being pulled under by the personal feelings that come with it. It’s a team effort, and that team can be made up of siblings, professionals, neighbors, tech, or all of the above.

The anticipatory grief problem

One common question caregivers have is how to handle the fear, sadness, and constant emotional whiplash of watching a parent decline while still trying to build a life of their own. “We’d call it anticipatory grief,” McNamara states. It’s the ache that shows up before the loss, the grief that lives inside every moment of watching someone you love slowly change.

Port talks about grieving her mom “like the person that they once were,” especially on days when the memory loss is more obvious. She makes space for the breakdowns—literally scheduling time to cry because the feelings need somewhere to go. 

And McNamara suggests recognizing the emotion instead of fighting it. Feel both the joy and the grief. Look at what your loved one still has, not just what’s slipping away. Port shares a moment from a holiday cookie-decorating activity, where her mom lit up with creativity and asked to come back later. “It was just like in that moment I got to see my mom being creative,” she says. Those flashes of who they’ve always been don’t erase the grief, but they soften it long enough to breathe.

Helping parents feel in control when their world is changing

One of the hardest tightropes in caregiving is figuring out how to keep a parent safe without making them feel powerless. Port talks about that tension often, especially around her mom’s resistance to having someone in the house. McNamara explains that it’s the fear of losing independence. She explains that with dementia “they may not remember what you just said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel,” which shifts the focus from winning the argument to creating emotional safety.

Port shares how her family started giving her mom decisions that still felt meaningful—paint colors, small design choices, daily preferences—even while the bigger safety decisions had to be made for her. Giving control where it’s possible softens the places where it isn’t.

Try reframing help as a path toward more independence, not less. Instead of “you need someone here,” it becomes “we want to help you stay at home.” Trial periods help too, so care doesn’t feel like a life sentence. And Port’s story proves it can work: the caregiver her mom once locked herself away from eventually became a beach-walking buddy. It just took time, patience, and the right kind of control.

To hear the full conversation with Care.com general manager Jill McNamara, listen to With Whit wherever you get your podcasts.

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