Do We Ever Really Grow Up or Do We Just Get Better at Faking It?

If you’re in your 20s or 30s and genuinely convinced that everyone around you has it figured out except you, Carla Bezanson would like you to know she’s right there with you. On Don’t Think, she gets into why nobody actually grows up the way we thought we would, why mental health doesn’t come with a finish line, and why the whole concept of “having it together” might be the biggest scam of adulthood. 

Whether you’re mourning a timeline you never even wanted or just trying to figure out why you still don’t feel like a real person, these are the moments from the episode that are going to hit.

She’s 32 and still waiting to feel like a real adult

“I thought at 32 I would feel like a real adult,” Bezanson admits. “And instead, I honestly just feel like a 22-year-old who has to pretend to be a 32-year-old. I have a better skincare routine and exponentially worse hangovers.” She says she looks at friends and acquaintances who have families and kids and genuinely wonders how they’re pulling it off. “They must feel like real grownups, right?” Then she remembers her own parents telling her as a kid that they never felt like grownups either. “And I’m now the age my mom was when she had me. And I’m like, oh my god, but I’m still a baby.”

Growing up doesn’t mean growing out of your mental illness

“If you have, I don’t know, diabetes, you don’t expect that when you turn 35 you won’t have it anymore because you grew up and you got over it,” she points out. “But with mental health, it’s like, well, I’ve done the work. I go to therapy. I work on myself…so when do I get better?” She’s been struggling the last few weeks and keeps having to remind herself that healing isn’t a destination. “The growing isn’t waking up one day and being like, I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m no longer mentally ill. That just doesn’t exist. But that’s a hard thing to come to terms with.”

The weirdest part is when nothing is obviously wrong but you still feel off

“Sometimes it almost feels like it’s better to be doing really bad and have one big, bad, scary thing going on,” Bezanson says. “You know where to put your feelings. You’re like, well, I feel like sh*t, but that’s because I’m trying to get over my ex or I just had a terrible, messy breakup. And that’s why I feel like sh*t. And once it’s over, things will be better.” But when you’re just coasting and nothing is actively falling apart but you’re still not happy? “You’re like, okay, so maybe I’m just a miserable sack of sh*t…Maybe no matter what happens in my life, I’ll never be good.” If that doesn’t perfectly describe the vibe of being fine but not fine, nothing does.

She had a whole life timeline and then realized she never even wanted it

“I would literally say to my mom, if I’m not engaged by 25, that’s it for me,” Bezanson shares. “Married by 27. Kids by 30. But the f*cked up thing is I never even took a second to think about whether or not I wanted to be engaged or wanted a marriage or wanted a family.” At 32, she says she’s never felt less pressure about any of it. “Having a life where you focus on your career or your friends or just yourself and your dog is completely fine.” The timeline was never hers. It was just what she thought she was supposed to want.

She reconnected with an old friend and it felt like teleporting back to 15

After a falling out and years of not speaking, Bezanson recently met up with her former best friend. She was nervous they’d have nothing in common anymore. Instead? “It felt like we teleported back in time to being 15 years old and best friends again.” And that’s what made something click. “You don’t grow up and become this entirely different version of who you used to be. You just become a slightly older, slightly wiser version of yourself. And I think our bodies age a lot faster than our state of mind does.”

A 63-year-old listener said it finally clicked in her 50s

A listener named Leslie left a voice message that genuinely brought some hope to the whole conversation. “When I was younger in my 30s, I really felt like I was faking it, often riddled with anxiety and imposter syndrome,” Leslie shared. “But now that I’m 63…I feel like I’ve nailed it. And I think it was in my 50s that that happened. You’ll get there. And it’s amazing when you do.” Bezanson doesn’t waste time reacting: “As a person in my 30s with crippling anxiety and imposter syndrome, that was very hopeful and inspiring.”

So if you’re in your 20s or 30s and currently convinced everyone around you has it figured out except you. Maybe the move is just to stop pretending you’re supposed to have it figured out at all and focus on the version of growing up that actually matters, which is just being a little more honest with yourself than you were last year.

Listen to the full episode on Don’t Think with Carla Bezanson, available wherever you listen to podcasts.

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