Dear Gabby Says ‘Check In, Don’t Check Out’—The 60-Second Reset for When You’re Spiraling

You know the exact moment: your brain gets even slightly uncomfortable and suddenly your thumb is like, “open TikTok, we ride.” One minute you’re just checking something, then the next you’ve watched six GRWMs, adopted a new personality, and somehow feel worse.

On Dear Gabby, host Gabrielle Bernstein breaks down why that happens—and what actually helps. Her solution isn’t more discipline or better habits, but a way to stop ghosting your feelings when they show up. 

Stop Ghosting Your Feelings: A 60-Second Reset for When You’re Spiraling

Step 1: Choose to check in instead of check out

Most of us don’t process discomfort—we outsource it. The second something feels off, we look for an exit. Distraction. Stimulation. Anything that takes us out of our body for a minute. The reflex is automatic: change the feeling, now.

Bernstein calls this “checking out,” and she’s blunt about how often we do it. “We eat over it. We drug over it. We force over it. We work over it. We perform over it. We numb over it. We YouTube over it. We sex over it. We drink over it,” she says. And honestly, she’s not wrong. A ton of psychology research shows that the more we try to push away uncomfy feelings, the more anxious, stressed, and stuck we end up feeling over time. In other words, numbing doesn’t delete the feeling—it just puts it on pause…often with a side of guilt.

That’s where checking in comes in. It just means you notice what’s happening inside before you fully disappear into the distraction. Not to fix it. Not to analyze it. Just to clock it. “First step, choose to check in instead of check out,” Bernstein says. “You may not always have the moment to do it, but you might three hours later. The more you do this, the more that moment becomes easy to access. And so you choose to check inside instead of check out.”

Step 2: Get curious

“The second step,” Bernstein says, “you become curious. What does it feel like inside?”

This is where most of us instinctively bail. We’re used to labeling feelings as good or bad, productive or inconvenient, and moving on. Curiosity asks you to do something different: slow down just enough to notice what’s actually happening, without trying to make it stop. Scary? Sure. But according to Bernstein, that fear shows up for a reason.

“The part of you that’s fear is a protector part,” she explains. “How long has that fear been around? Forever. Because it’s young. Because as children we had very difficult moments…And we’ve been bracing and protecting against those exiled feelings.”

Once you hear it that way, the feeling starts to make more sense. Fear didn’t come out of nowhere. It learned how to react early, back when it was trying to keep you safe with limited tools. “They’re not bad parts of you,” Bernstein says. “They’re young, wounded parts of you, and they need your attention and they need your love, and they need your focus and your patience.”

So instead of scrolling to escape the feeling, you turn toward it. Notice where it sits in your body. Ask what it wants you to know. Stay curious the way you would with a scared kid—not aggressive like you’re trying to evict a tenant.

Step 3: Compassionate connection

“The third step,” Bernstein says, “compassionate connection. What do you need? Ask the part what it needs.” By this point, you’re not trying to decode the feeling anymore. You’re responding to it. Instead of analyzing it—or trying to soothe it with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a 40-minute doomscroll—you ask one simple question and give yourself a second to listen. “Gently and compassionately extend some attention to that part of you and just say, what do you need?”

Most of the time, the answer isn’t some huge emotional revelation. It’s usually very basic and very human. You might need rest. Reassurance. Space. A reminder that you’re safe right now. Sometimes the need is just to be acknowledged instead of brushed past.

Bernstein makes an important distinction here. “We’re not here to spiritually bypass the fear,” she says. “We’re here to spiritually guide the fear back to love.” In real life, that looks like not slapping a “good vibes only” filter over how you actually feel. You’re not telling yourself to manifest harder, be grateful faster, or reframe it into a lesson before your nervous system has caught up. You’re letting the feeling know it’s allowed to exist without needing to get louder to be noticed.

And when you respond with care instead of pushing it away, the intensity usually fades on its own. Not because you fixed anything or unlocked some breakthrough, but because the feeling finally got a response instead of being ignored.

Step 4: Check for self

After you’ve checked in, gotten curious, and connected with compassion, there’s one more step: check how you feel.

“Do you feel more calm?” Bernstein asks. “Do you feel more clear? Do you feel more courageous? Do you feel more creative? Do you feel compassion to that part of you?”

These qualities—calm, clarity, courage, creativity, compassion—are signs that you’ve accessed what Internal Family Systems calls the “Self” with a capital S. It’s your core, your center, the part of you that isn’t hijacked by fear or protection. When you’re there, you feel different. Lighter. More grounded.

And here’s the wild part—this shift can happen fast. Really fast.

Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s research suggests that the physiological lifespan of an emotion is about 90 seconds. If you genuinely feel it—without feeding it with thoughts or numbing it with behavior—it loses its grip. “In that 90 seconds, it can alchemize,” Bernstein says. “In that 90 seconds, it can just begin to shift. In that 90 seconds, it can move through you.” 

90 seconds. Less time than a doomscroll. Less time than avoiding the feeling altogether.

“You could do this in one minute,” she adds, “and in that one minute, you can resettle your system and walk through life having a different day.”

You don’t need a guru. You don’t need to outsource your healing. “You are the one you’ve been waiting for,” she says. “You are the parent. You are the healer.”

So the next time you feel your hand reaching for your phone because something inside feels off, try giving yourself a minute instead. Get curious. Ask what it needs. See how you feel after. It won’t be perfect every time—and that’s fine. Like any habit, it gets easier the more you practice.

For more insights, tune into Dear Gabby, streaming now wherever you get your podcasts.

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