If Dating Feels Like a ‘New Mental Illness,’ It’s Probably Not the Right Person

Nearly half of Gen Z reports feeling anxious often or always, and over 60 percent have a medically diagnosed anxiety condition. Now throw dating into that mix and it’s genuinely a miracle anyone is functioning. 

On Don’t Think, host Carla Bezanson gets into the thing nobody talks about enough: what it’s actually like to date when your brain is already running worst-case scenarios about everything else in your life. The good news is your overthinking isn’t always the problem. Sometimes it’s the person. Here’s how to tell the difference.

If your overthinking feels like a brand new mental illness, pay attention to that

There’s a line between normal new-person jitters and the kind of thought loop that makes you feel like you need to check yourself into somewhere. “If you’re sitting there thinking, should I text him? Did I do something wrong? Why haven’t they replied in two days?” Bezanson says, “that level of overthinking nonstop where it’s starting to feel like you literally have a new disease—that’s not you being crazy. It’s usually a response to some sort of inconsistency.” Your brain is picking up on something. Trust that.

Do the effort checklist before you spiral

When you’re deep in it, Bezanson says to look at the facts instead of the feelings:

• Are they communicating with you consistently and thoughtfully? The “I’m a bad texter” excuse doesn’t hold up. “If somebody cares about you, likes you, wants to communicate with you, they will respond. Period.”
• Are they making plans to see you? And here’s the big one: if you ask someone to hang out and they say they’re busy but don’t suggest another time, that is a no. “If I don’t suggest another time, it’s because I simply don’t want to see that person.”
• Are you initiating every single conversation and plan? If so, that’s not overthinking. That’s you correctly identifying an imbalance.

Learn the difference between butterflies and a red flag

“We confuse anxiety with chemistry all the time, but your body does know the difference,” Bezanson says. In unhealthy relationships, she was constantly on edge, couldn’t sleep, and needed a drink to relax. When she met her current boyfriend, her nervous system calmed down immediately. The first night they spent together, she slept better. “If you’re looking for somebody to be with long term…do you really think as an anxious person it’s going to work with somebody who triggers that anxiety in you?” she says. “The whole point of partnership is to make life easier and better and more fun.”

Stop chasing the fireworks

That intoxicating, can’t-eat-can’t-sleep, this-feels-like-a-movie energy? Bezanson says a lot of the time that’s a red flag with good timing. “Pay attention to the type of spark,” she says. “Fireworks, whirlwind, I’m intoxicated—a lot of the time that’s chaos and it can be really fun. But does it last? Usually no.” The slower, calmer, friendship-first connection is usually the one that actually turns into something real.

At some point, you have to surrender

If someone is showing up consistently, communicating, making plans, telling you they like you, and you’re still spiraling—that’s the moment to let go of the steering wheel. “Constantly seeking reassurance, double texting, needing constant validation, it actually has the opposite effect,” Bezanson says. “It pushes people away.” The right relationship won’t cure your overthinking. But it will stop being the thing that makes your anxiety worse. And that difference? That’s everything.

Listen to the full episode on Don’t Think with Carla Bezanson, available wherever you listen to podcasts.

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