Health & Wellness

‘Dear Gabby’ Shares the Key to Helping Someone in Recovery Without Enabling Them

September 30, 2025

When Gabby Bernstein reached 20 years of sobriety, she decided it was time to reflect. Her journey to recovery was not easy, but it gave her a sense of responsibility to share what helped her stay sober along the way. On Dear Gabby, she opened up about what that milestone meant, answering questions from listeners and weaving in the lessons she’s learned in the hardest and most beautiful moments of her life.

For Bernstein, recovery has been about showing up—again and again—through grief, trauma, and setbacks. It has also been about redefining what support looks like, both for herself and for the people she loves. That theme surfaced when a listener asked how to stand by someone in the grip of addiction without crossing the line into enabling.

“You have to look at your own side of the street,” Bernstein says. “You have to recognize what part of me is trying to save them, what part of me feels good enough and adequate by constantly being the savior.” Examples of enabling behavior include giving them money when they’re in financial trouble, making excuses for their behavior, or bailing them out of legal issues.

Supporting without saving

Bernstein notes her perspective is rooted in her own lived experience. As someone who’s been in recovery for 20 years, she understands the pull to rescue. But she also knows how dangerous that dynamic can become—for both the person struggling and the person trying to help.

“If you have a need to fix, then that’s something for you to heal. That’s something for you to reflect on,” she says. Her point is that sometimes the urge to control another person’s path is really about filling a hole inside ourselves. Letting go of this need can be a relief, a weight off your shoulders in the journey of supporting someone in recovery.

The power of suggestion

When it comes to offering help, Bernstein believes gentle suggestions can go further than ultimatums or interventions. She describes it this way: “Hey, I tried this thing, or I read this book, or I watched this video, and it really served me. Maybe you want to check it out.” After that, she adds, the most challenging part comes next: “Leave it alone. Walk away.” This approach can give you confidence in your supportive role, knowing that you’ve offered help without imposing your will.

That letting go doesn’t mean giving up on the addict, but acknowledging that change can’t be forced. Recovery has to be chosen, and each person has to decide when they are ready.

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Trusting the process

Of course, that raises difficult questions. What happens when stepping back feels like abandoning someone you love? What if waiting for them to hit “bottom” puts their life at risk? Bernstein is candid about the tension: “You can’t deprive someone of their bottom. People need to hit their bottom when they are ready, and it’s not your job to get in the way.”

Her perspective comes from her own recovery, where the turning point came when she decided to save herself after being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Still, she emphasizes that this is her story, not a universal roadmap.

“You have to trust that the people in your life who are addicted or struggling actually have a higher power of their own,” Bernstein says. “That they have guides of their own, that they have angels watching over them and surrounding them and protecting them.”

What it really means to support

At the heart of Bernstein’s reflection is the idea that love and control are distinct entities. Proper support may look quieter than many expect: sitting with someone in their pain, offering resources without expectation, or even stepping back when the situation demands it.

“You don’t have to make anything happen. You don’t have to change them. You can let them experience the shift for themselves,” she says. Boundaries can be a form of love, even when they feel impossibly hard to hold.

A note of caution

Bernstein’s reflections are profoundly personal and carry the weight of two decades of recovery. Every story is unique, so it’s important to consult a doctor or a specialist in addiction medicine. Addiction is a complex, often life-threatening disease, and what worked for her may not be the right path for someone else.

If you’re concerned about a loved one—or yourself—don’t navigate it alone. Consult a qualified specialist in addiction medicine before making decisions about treatment or intervention. If immediate help is needed, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free, confidential support available 24/7. You can also visit samhsa.gov for resources on treatment options, recovery programs, and support groups.