Will My Kids Be Okay? A Family Lawyer Gets Real About Divorce and Emotional Fallout

Divorce can feel like the kind of decision that rewires your entire nervous system—especially when you’re a parent and the question on loop is, Will my kids be okay? 

In a new episode of After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings, host Deena Margolin gets painfully real about how close she came to separation during the early years of parenting, and why the “staying together no matter what” story isn’t always the safest one for kids. 

Her guest, family lawyer and co-parenting expert Gabriella Pomare, doesn’t sugarcoat how brutal this chapter can be. She talks about the grief, the identity crisis, the logistics spiral, and the emotional landmines that turn co-parenting into conflict. But she also offers something parents rarely hear in the middle of it: reassurance, a framework, and permission to stop chasing perfection.

It’s not divorce that harms kids—it’s what you pull them into afterward

Usually the divorce itself isn’t the thing that breaks children. It’s the emotional crossfire they get dragged into after.

“What ultimately ruins children is that ongoing post-separation, post-divorce conflict, right?” Pomare says plainly. In her experience as a family lawyer, the long-term damage doesn’t come from living in two homes. It comes from being used as a messenger or feeling responsible for adult pain.

Look, parents are allowed to fall apart. They’re allowed to feel angry, betrayed, devastated. But, as she puts it, the key is to not involve your children in it. That means not confiding in your child about affairs, money fights, or resentment. Not turning them into your emotional support system. Not letting them absorb the narrative of who was “right” and who was “wrong.”

Kids are incredibly perceptive. When communication shuts down completely, they often fill in the blanks themselves—sometimes believing the separation was their fault. 

Reassurance and stability are everything

“I think it’s the reassurance, and that is the biggest thing for children, reassurance and stability, because they’re so scared,” Pomare explains. They don’t fully understand what divorce means. They just know something big is changing.

In that uncertainty, kids are often quietly asking: Am I still safe? Do both my parents still love me? Is this permanent? The job of the parent isn’t to have every logistical answer perfectly mapped out. It’s to consistently communicate safety.

Children should feel free to love both parents openly. “Any time you want to speak to your other parent, that’s okay,” she says to reassure your kids. Blocking access—emotionally or physically—can deepen anxiety. Even when it’s uncomfortable, facilitating connection reinforces security.

She also shares a powerful example from her own life: showing up alongside her ex for her son’s first day of school. “We showed up together because that’s the right thing to do,” she says. For her son, that visible unity—even in a changed family structure—mattered.

Heal first, then co-parent—because separation comes with an identity crisis

“You can’t co-parent—or even really parent well—until you’ve found yourself again, or really, I think the better word to use is healed,” Pomare reveals. After a breakup, you’re adjusting to custody schedules and new routines, yes, but you’re grieving the version of life you thought you’d have. The holidays. The bedtime chats. The image of your family as it once was.

Pomare describes how it took her about a year to begin feeling steady again after her own separation. That meant therapy, journaling, and sitting with hard questions like: What do I want now? What kind of life do I want to build for my child? Healing, she suggests, isn’t optional. It’s the foundation that allows you to stop reacting from raw pain and start responding with intention.

When your co-parent won’t cooperate, go businesslike and set hard boundaries

Sadly, not every separation ends in peaceful, collaborative co-parenting. Pomare is realistic about that. “Co-parenting isn’t for everyone,” she says. “It takes two people to show up and two people to do the work to be collaborative co-parents.” When one parent refuses to engage constructively, the goal shifts from harmony to containment.

Her advice? Stop trying to win the emotional war and start setting boundaries. “I’m not gonna take the emotional bait,” she explains, describing the discipline it takes not to fire back when aggressive messages come through. Reactivity might feel justified, but it often fuels the very conflict kids are absorbing.

She recommends stripping communication down to its essentials. “Really businesslike communication—short, focused communication on your child,” she says. That might mean limiting conversations to logistics, using email instead of text, or implementing structured weekly updates about school and health. Just child-focused facts.

If tension remains high, Pomare suggests using co-parenting apps that monitor tone and centralize communication. These tools can help remove some of the emotional charge and create distance from triggering exchanges.

At the end of the day, you can’t control how your co-parent behaves, but you can control your response.

To hear all of Gabriella Pomare’s insights on divorce and co-parenting, listen to After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings wherever you get your podcasts.

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