Going Through a Divorce? Start With These 5 Non-Negotiables for Your Kids

Divorce can feel like the kind of decision that rewires your entire nervous system—especially when you’re a parent and the question on loop is, Will my kids be okay?

On After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings, host Deena Margolin sits down with family lawyer and co-parenting expert Gabriella Pomare to unpack what actually protects kids during separation. The biggest takeaway? It’s not divorce that harms children—it’s the conflict, confusion, and emotional crossfire that follows.

If you’re navigating this chapter, here are five things Pomare says matter most.

1. Keep your kids out of the emotional crossfire

Pomare’s philosophy: “What ultimately ruins children is that ongoing post-separation, post-divorce conflict, right?”

Living in two homes isn’t what causes damage. Being used as a messenger, overhearing digs about the other parent, or absorbing adult resentment is.

Feel everything. Grieve. Be angry. But don’t involve your children in it. They are not your therapist, confidant, or emotional support system.

2. Reassure them constantly—even when you’re exhausted

Pomare’s philosophy: “I think it’s the reassurance…reassurance and stability, because they’re so scared.”

Kids don’t understand legal paperwork. They understand change. They’re wondering: Am I still safe? Do both my parents still love me?

Your job is to communicate safety over and over again.

3. Make it safe for them to love both parents

Pomare’s philosophy: “Anytime you wanna speak to your other parent, that’s OK.”

Children shouldn’t feel guilty for missing the other parent. Blocking access—emotionally or physically—creates anxiety. Even when it’s uncomfortable, facilitating connection reinforces security.

4. Heal yourself before trying to “perfect” co-parenting

Pomare’s philosophy: “You can’t co-parent—or even really parent well—until you’ve found yourself again, or really…healed.”

Separation comes with grief and an identity crisis. You’re grieving the life you imagined.

Therapy, journaling, space, boundaries—this isn’t self-indulgent. It’s foundational. A regulated parent leads a regulated child.

5. If your co-parent won’t cooperate, go businesslike

Pomare’s philosophy: “I’m not gonna take the emotional bait.”

Not every divorce is collaborative. If communication turns high-conflict, Pomare recommends stripping it down to logistics only.

“Really businesslike communication, short focused communication on your child.”

Limit contact to essentials. Use email. Use co-parenting apps. Set boundaries. You can’t control their behavior—but you can control your response.

Forget perfection. Forget the stigma of a “broken family.” As Pomare says, “You have the power.”

At the end of the day, your focus is creating a home—maybe two homes—where your child feels safe, loved, and out of the war.

To hear all of Gabriella Pomare’s tips, listen to After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings wherever you get your podcasts.

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