Do You Like Them or Do You Just Hate Yourself? Carla Bezanson Explains What’s Going On

You meet someone and your brain goes “absolutely not.” They’re vain, self-centered, maybe even kind of a dick. Fast forward three weeks and you’re checking your phone every five minutes, rearranging your entire schedule around their availability, and crying to your bestie about why they won’t text back. Everyone in your life is asking what you’re doing and honestly? You’re asking yourself the same question—but you can’t stop.

On Don’t Think, host Carla Bezanson unpacks why we chase people we don’t even like and how to stop confusing chaos for chemistry. Whether you’re mid-situationship or recovering from one that ate your self-esteem for breakfast, this episode is your official reality check.

Do You Like Them or Do You Just Hate Yourself?

What ‘playing ego games’ in dating actually looks like

You don’t pursue someone because they light up your life. You pursue someone because getting them lights you up. It’s not love; it’s validation currency. Bezanson knows the feeling too well. She tells a story about meeting a guy in Nashville, feels that instant ick, and still ends up chasing him like he’s the last emotional validation token on the planet.

“At first the game is ‘He’s not dateable, we have nothing in common, but it’ll be fun to get some of his attention,’” she explains. Then the goalpost shifts. “If I can just get him to like me…if I can get him to date me, to be my boyfriend, then I’ll have proved I’m lovable.”

That’s how ego games work. You keep moving the target until the chase itself becomes the addiction. Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement—the same mechanism that makes slot machines irresistible. The attention is unpredictable, the dopamine hits are inconsistent, and suddenly you’re hooked on the high of “maybe.”

Then comes the gut punch. “Here I had scratched and clawed my way to win this game and to win this prize,” Bezanson says. “And I’m smacked in the face with, ‘Holy shit, I don’t want any of this.’” She remembers standing in a hotel bathroom on New Year’s Eve, realizing she’d spent months chasing a life she didn’t even want. “I got so caught up in the ‘Can I get it?’ that I didn’t ask the question, ‘Do I even want it?’”

Why we appoint terrible people as ‘challenges’

So, why do we do this? Why does the sweet, emotionally available person who brings you flowers make you go “meh,” while the emotionally unavailable one who treats you like a side quest becomes your Roman Empire? “If I decide your opinion matters for whatever reason,” Bezanson says, “then I have to get you to like me so that I can like me.”

Read that again. We don’t just date people—we assign them jobs. Specifically, we appoint the most emotionally distant ones as the judges of our self-worth. The harder they are to win, the more valuable their validation feels.

“If Joe Blow shows up at my doorstep begging to take me on a date, he has flowers, he loves me to death…that doesn’t heal the little girl inside me,” Bezanson points out. “It doesn’t make me feel like I’ve won. I need to win.” She explains she needs the guy who doesn’t like anyone, who’s not ready for commitment, who’s got others chasing him. “If that guy chooses me, then yeah, that heals my little wounds,” she says. “That makes the little girl inside me who got picked last in gym class finally feel like she matters.”

For some, that might sound delulu, but experts say it’s deeper than that. When love has ever felt inconsistent, our brains learn to confuse effort with worth. The harder someone is to win, the more their approval feels like proof that we’re finally enough. There’s also what researchers call self-verification bias—the unconscious pull to seek out relationships that match how we already feel about ourselves. If deep down you believe you’re unworthy, you’re more likely to chase people who reinforce that narrative. It’s why someone’s inconsistency can feel magnetic, while kindness feels “off.”

How to tell if you’re playing this game right now

Sometimes, the easiest way to spot an ego game is to ask one brutally honest question: If they offered you everything you’ve been begging for—commitment, consistency, actual effort—would you even want it? “Do you want to grow old with this guy or girl?” Bezanson asks. “Do you want them to be the mother or father of your children? Do you want that person as a role model for your babies?” If the answer is “no,” but you’re still stuck trying to “win” them, you’re not in love—you’re in competition.

When you find someone who feels like forever, your body knows. Science shows that in secure, long-term relationships, your brain releases oxytocin—the bonding hormone that lowers stress and promotes calm. Studies also find that couples with secure attachment patterns literally co-regulate each other’s nervous systems—heart rates sync, your body unclenches, and both people experience more emotional stability. But when you’re hooked on chaos, that calm can feel boring. 

“The spark feels like a bear is chasing you,” Bezanson explains. That thrill is often your nervous system’s stress response kicking in. “Those aren’t butterflies,” she jokes. “They’re moths, and they’re literally eating you from the inside out.” She’s not exaggerating. Neuroscience research shows that the “spark” you feel with emotionally unavailable people is actually your fight-or-flight system activating—adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine all spiking at once. In other words, it’s your body mistaking anxiety for attraction.

Stop auditioning for people who don’t even deserve the role

The hardest part about all of this? Recognizing it while you’re in it. Bezanson admits she’s repeated this cycle multiple times, and she’s not alone. Most of us have at least one ex where, if we’re brutally honest, we were more in love with the challenge than the person. “Play ego games, win ego prizes,” she says. And those prizes? They suck. They’re relationships that drain you, people who make you feel small, situations where you’re constantly trying to prove you’re worthy of basic human decency.

The solution isn’t easy, but it’s simple: Stop hitting the slot machine. Stop chasing people who make you feel like you need to earn their affection. Start recognizing that someone’s unavailability is not a challenge to overcome, but information to accept. And maybe, just maybe, ask yourself the uncomfortable question: “Do I actually like this person, or do I just really, really hate myself right now?”

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