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Why You RSVP Yes, Spiral for Weeks, Then Irish Exit, According to ‘Don’t Think’

November 24, 2025

If you’ve ever said yes to plans, felt instantly stressed, spent two weeks mentally preparing to bail, showed up as the “best version” of yourself, and then silently slipped out the side door…congratulations, you have the same social anxiety as the rest of us.

On Don’t Think, host Carla Bezanson gets painfully real about the before, during, and after of every social event—the spirals, the overthinking, the fake extrovert energy, the next-day regret. Whether you’re a chronic RSVP-er, a repeat Irish-exiter, or someone who wants to be social but also wants to stay home forever, this one’s for you.

The ‘yes → spiral → panic’ loop is a real anxiety pattern

“I’ll say yes to things…I’m so grateful, I’d love to come,” Bezanson says—and then the countdown begins. Three weeks out, it sounds fun. Two weeks out, she’s doubting everything. One week out, she’s negotiating her escape route. It’s that slow crawl from enthusiasm to dread that so many of us swear is “just being dramatic,” but…it’s literally a documented anxiety pattern.

Clinicians call it anticipatory anxiety—the stress you feel before the thing, sometimes worse than the thing itself. Studies show people with social anxiety often spend days or weeks imagining worst-case scenarios, and their bodies respond as if those disasters are already happening. Your heart speeds up. Your stomach turns. You rehearse conversations you’ll never actually have. By the time the event rolls around, you’re already exhausted from a party that hasn’t even happened yet.

Social anxiety hits about 7 percent of U.S. adults every year, and young adults experience some of the highest levels of “constant worry” in social situations, according to national surveys. Gen Z and millennials report feeling overwhelmed by social interactions and digital expectations, which makes every invite feel like a performance review waiting to happen. No wonder “Can’t wait!” becomes “How do I fake my own death?” in a matter of days.

What Bezanson describes—the weeks of mental ping-pong between wanting connection and wanting your couch—is anxiety trying to protect you from imagined rejection. Your brain basically runs simulations: “What if it’s awkward?” “What if I don’t fit in?” “What if everyone can tell I don’t want to be there?” And instead of helping, those predictions trap you in the RSVP loop.

Then you show up and become a different person

“When I meet new people, whether I want to or not, I become very performative,” Bezanson says. She describes walking into a room and instantly shapeshifting into whatever she thinks other people want: bubbly, sweet, smart, charming, a one-woman improv show. “I become this sort of people-pleasing shell of a human,” she admits, adding that compliments don’t even land because she feels like she’s just mirroring everyone else anyway.

If that sounds uncomfortably familiar, that’s because this is social anxiety—just not the low-key, hide-in-the-corner version people imagine. Psychologists describe these moves as safety behaviors, the over-smiling, the over-talking, the over-performing, the “please like me” energy you slip into without meaning to. They’re meant to protect you from rejection, but they actually crank your anxiety higher by keeping your attention glued to how you think you’re coming across.

Research shows people with social anxiety go into what’s essentially performance mode—hyper-aware of every gesture, sentence, laugh, and micro-reaction. Your brain is convinced you’re being evaluated, so it acts like each social situation is a pop quiz you didn’t study for. Imposter syndrome doesn’t help either. It loves to tag-team social anxiety, creating the perfect storm of “Everyone can tell I’m faking it” + “I need to overcompensate so they think I belong.”

Because being in performance mode is exhausting, your brain starts begging for micro-escapes. For Bezanson, it’s the bathroom scroll or the fake “I’m just checking something” phone break every ten minutes—aka the modern cigarette. Therapists say these quick resets are normal, but the goal isn’t to hide, but to regulate. Same with alcohol: two drinks might hush the overthinking, but drinking to function in social settings can turn into a rebound anxiety nightmare the next day.

The healthier move is tiny grounding habits that don’t wreck you later. Step outside for real air instead of doom-scrolling, take three slow breaths before you answer a question, or remind yourself you don’t need to be the entertainment to belong. You’re allowed to show up as the low-battery version of yourself and still count it as “being social.”

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And finally, the Irish exit you planned all week

“I personally think that the person who invented the Irish exit had crippling anxiety,” Bezanson jokes. She says it’s never about rudeness, but the mental gymnastics of interrupting conversations, getting someone’s attention, and bracing for the inevitable “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” By the time she’s worked up the courage to leave, she’s already been scanning for exits since she walked in.

The real spiral, however, doesn’t start until you’re already home. That’s where psychologists say post-event processing kicks in, the replay loop that turns one tiny slip (“Did I seriously say ‘gruel’ instead of ‘great’?”) into the headline your brain writes about the entire night. This after-the-fact autopsy is one of the biggest predictors of worsening social anxiety. You think you’re decompressing, but your brain is actually gathering evidence that you should avoid future events…which is exactly why the next Irish exit starts forming in your head before the invitation even hits your inbox.

Bezanson tackles this with a little strategic planning before she ever leaves the house. “I have a dog, I’ll just be like, ‘Oh, Herbie’s home alone. I’ve got to get home,” she explains. “Maybe it’s just, ‘I have a very early morning tomorrow.’ Whatever, have it in the back pocket.” This tiny bit of prep work cuts down dread because your brain isn’t spending the entire night calculating your escape route.

And the other thing that softens the whole spiral? A reality check. “What really helps me is to remind myself that people are either as self-conscious as I am, or if they’re not, they’re surely as f*ck not thinking about me,” Bezanson says. “No one’s actually watching me as closely as my brain says they are.” In other words, you’re not the headline in anyone else’s mental recap…and you never were.

For more insights, tune into Don’t Think wherever you get your podcasts.