‘Note to Self’ Explains Why Building Your Own Circle Matters Just as Much as Love

On Note to Self, host Payton Sartain sits down with author and Miss Congeniality podcast host Eli Rallo to talk about her new book, her upcoming wedding, and why creating her own friendships outside of her relationship is just as important as romance.

Rallo is no stranger to change. Between living in New Jersey, New York, Houston, and Los Angeles, she has experienced the excitement—and sometimes the isolation—of moving to new cities.

Through it all, she has kept one priority in focus—making sure she has a community of her own. “I love his people, but I find it important to have my own people as well. I think I need to make sure that that’s something that I’m always like doing,” she says.

Why building your own circle matters

Plenty of people rely on their partner’s friends when they move or get married. But for Rallo, that’s not enough. “Even though you’re getting married, you would think that it would make you want to rely on his community more, because that’s yours,” she says. “But I have found a strong desire and need to go outside of that circle because it just feels weird to only have those people in your life.”

While love is central, friendship brings a different kind of grounding. Building a circle that’s truly your own will empower you to grow beyond your relationship and keeps you connected to your own individuality rather than somebody’s partner.

The difference between men and women in friendships

Rallo also reflects on how friendships look different between men and women. Watching her fiancé interact with his baseball teammates highlighted this contrast. “I go to the field and I sit around with the baseball players all day. We talk about baseball, and then we get nervous that we’re going to get traded to a different team. Those are his friends right now,” she admits.

For her, female friendships require something deeper. “There’s a below-the-earth-level that women get with each other that men just don’t,” Rallo says. She points out that while men often maintain friendships for years without conflict, women tend to form relationships that thrive on emotional depth, honesty, and non-judgment.

Creating connections beyond romance

That depth is what keeps Rallo intentional about who she surrounds herself with. “All my friends, I noticed, I was trying to find their through line and they’re all so different in their own way, but they’re all very non-judgmental of themselves and of others,” she says.

That kind of community has to be built. For Rallo, that means saying yes to new opportunities, attending the same Pilates classes, and engaging in those little day-to-day conversations that create bonds over time. While her upcoming wedding is a huge milestone, she makes it clear that friendships outside of her relationship remain just as vital.

Finding balance in the messy middle

The conversation with Sartain also touched on what Rallo calls the “messy middle” of life. Juggling career changes, wedding planning, and frequent moves has made her realize that stability doesn’t come all at once. Instead, it’s something she’s learning to piece together through both her relationship and the friendships she chooses for herself.

“I love his people, but I also want to create my own circle,” she says. “We’re both very independent.” This independence doesn’t detract from her relationship—it fortifies it. By cultivating her own circle, Rallo demonstrates that love and friendship aren’t competing forces but rather complement each other.

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