Emily Oster On Why Parenting ‘Rules’ Are Making Us Miserable

Parenting comes with no shortage of “rules”—many delivered with the kind of certainty that leaves new moms and dads terrified to step out of line. But what happens when those rules aren’t actually based on solid science?

Harvard-trained economist and Brown University professor Emily Oster has made a career out of answering that question. The bestselling author of Expecting Better and Cribsheet sifts through the data behind some of parenting’s most hotly debated topics. Her goal isn’t to tell parents what they should do, but to give them the facts so they can make choices that work for their family.

“I’m a person who specializes in data to relax people,” she told The Real Stuff host Lucie Fink. “Your goal is just to share the facts. And a lot of times that winds up calming people down,” Fink shares of Oster’s advice. It’s a mindset that has shaped Oster’s work—and one that resonates deeply in a world where uncertainty can be overwhelming.

Why parenting rules feel overwhelming

Oster says one reason parenting feels so stressful is that advice often lumps serious risks together with minor inconveniences, without explaining the difference.

She points to sushi during pregnancy as an example. While it’s often treated as a hard “no,” the actual concern is foodborne illness like norovirus—unpleasant, but not harmful to the fetus. “It’s not dangerous to your fetus,” she explains, it’s just that “no one wants norovirus.” Yet this gets grouped with far more critical rules, like avoiding smoking or heavy drinking, creating the sense that every guideline is equally urgent.

Her fix is to use evidence to weigh the actual risks and then deciding what works for your comfort level and circumstances. For instance, while U.S. guidelines say no alcohol in pregnancy, large European studies show an occasional small drink doesn’t cause harm. “About 40 percent of obstetricians will tell their patients it’s fine to have a little bit of alcohol,” says Oster, “but then of course, the official guidance on this is like, absolutely not.” Some might choose to have that glass of wine, while others avoid it entirely to sidestep guilt—both can be equally valid.

Myths vs. data: What the research actually says

Much of Oster’s work involves taking long-held beliefs and examining them through large-scale, peer-reviewed research. The results are often liberating:

Breastfeeding vs. formula: While breastfeeding has some short-term benefits, Oster says the claims about higher IQ, reduced obesity rates, fewer chronic illnesses disappear when you account for factors like income and education. “The better job you can do adjusting for those differences across families, the smaller the effects of breastfeeding appear,” Oster explains. That means formula-fed babies can thrive just as much as breastfed babies, removing a source of guilt for many parents.

Sleep training: Few topics stir up as much emotion as sleep training. Critics worry it damages attachment, while proponents credit it with saving their sanity. Oster points to studies showing it can improve sleep for both parents and babies without negative effects on emotional bonds. “We don’t see differences in attachment or mood for babies in the short term or the long term,” she says. In fact, better sleep can improve parental mood and even strengthen relationships.

Staying home vs. daycare: Whether a parent stays home or a child attends daycare, long-term developmental outcomes are strikingly similar when the care provided is high-quality. Some studies find small early differences in cognitive skills or behavior, but these even out over time. “All of these options can be made to work well for your child,” Oster says.

Focus on the real risks

If modern parenting culture leaves us obsessing over low-risk rules, what are the dangers we should actually be focusing on? “We’re putting all of our energy into the things that are just not a big deal. And we’re not talking about the big issues,” Oster advises. She points to two that rarely get the same attention as pregnancy sushi:

Pools: Drowning is one of the leading causes of death for children under five, yet pool safety isn’t discussed with the same urgency as food restrictions. Simple precautions like fences, locked gates, and swim lessons can be lifesaving.

Cars: From car seat misuse to distracted driving, vehicle-related incidents pose major threats to kids. Evidence-backed safety precautions, like proper seat installation and rear-facing seats for younger children, make a measurable difference.

Why parents judge each other (and how to stop)

Beyond the data, Oster has spent time analyzing why parents are so quick to judge one another. Her conclusion? We often reverse-engineer our justifications.

“I’ve made this choice and I want it to be right,” she explains. Oster mentions how problems arise “when people want the decision to be so right that it is right for other people.” In other words, we defend our own decisions by positioning them as universal truths.

Social media fuels this, creating echo chambers where nuance gets lost and personal preferences get reframed. A mom who thrives on attachment parenting might feel threatened by someone who uses a structured routine, and vice versa. Oster suggests acknowledging that your choice works for you without assuming it should work for everyone else.

Aim for consistency over perfection

For all her research and expertise, Oster doesn’t pretend she follows every best practice perfectly—and she doesn’t expect parents to, either. “It’s much easier to tell people what is the best practice in the data than to achieve that best practice,” she admits, joking that her husband is far more consistent about certain parenting rules.

Her advice is to stop chasing perfection and start aiming for consistency. When you understand the actual risks, you can choose where to focus your energy and let go of the rest without guilt. 

You can hear more of Oster’s insights by listening to the full episode of The Real Stuff, available now wherever you get your podcasts.

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