What if finding your soulmate had less to do with swiping and more to do with shifting your energy? In a recent episode of Dear Gabby, bestselling author and spiritual teacher Gabby Bernstein breaks down her step-by-step process for manifesting love—whether you’re calling in a new partner or looking to deepen the relationship you’re already in.
According to Bernstein, the journey starts by getting clear on what you actually want and learning to embody the energy of love before it shows up. “The more full and complete and whole we become inside,” she says, “the more of a magnet we are for that love and that romance that we desire.”
From setting non-negotiables to becoming the love you seek, the episode offers a roadmap to attracting the kind of partnership that truly supports who you are.
Get clear on your non-negotiables
Before you can attract the right person, Bernstein says you need to get honest about what you absolutely need in a relationship—and what’s just a bonus. “Be very crystal clear about what is non-negotiable,” she says. “What will I absolutely not live without, right? Kindness, respect, appreciation, certain morals. These are non-negotiables.”
The key is distinguishing between superficial preferences and core values. Height or career might be nice, but “a non-negotiable might be that they have the same values as me, they’re kind to me, they respect me.” Bernstein shares a story about someone who nearly overlooked her soulmate because he didn’t match her original “ideal” on paper.
Her advice? “When you go on your next date, or you’re in your relationship that you’re currently in, look at that non-negotiable list, speak up for it, ask for what you want.” If those core values aren’t present, Bernstein suggests, “Moving on, moving on. Do not waste a moment in a relationship where the non-negotiables are not in alignment with yours.”
Act like your soulmate is already in your life
One of Bernstein’s most powerful tools for attracting love is what she calls “acting as if.” Instead of waiting for a relationship to bring you joy, she suggests embodying the feeling of love now—as though your soulmate is already by your side. “Assume the energy of what it feels like to be in that romantic state,” she says.
She shares a personal story from her 20s, when she would walk through New York City imagining she was holding hands with her future partner. “Even though there was nobody next to me, I actually would have my hand out to the side and just sort of call in this energy of a feeling of just walking through the streets of the West Village…with my beloved.”
The practice worked: Years later, those imagined walks became a reality with her now-husband. “It’s one of our favorite things to do.”
Stop trying to be cool
In a world where it’s easy to fall into a performative mode—especially when dating—Bernstein reminds listeners that authenticity beats perfection every time. “There is nothing sexier than your authentic self,” she says. Putting on a persona might seem appealing at first, but Bernstein warns that it rarely leads to lasting connection: “Trying to be the cool girl or the cool guy, that’s not attractive…it might work for a second, but it doesn’t actually last.”
She learned this lesson while dating her now-husband. admitting that in the early days, she was trying to be someone she wasn’t. “Who I really am is goofy and fun and outspoken and loud,” she says. After they broke up and spent a year as friends, Bernstein stopped pretending—and that’s when everything changed. “That’s when he really fell in love with me. And that’s when I was able to fall in love with him…because we realized, oh, just being ourselves without any of this bullshit is actually what really makes the alignment match.”
Let go of a timeline
If you’re constantly wondering when love will arrive, Bernstein wants you to stop watching the clock. A simple shift you can make is releasing the need for your relationship to happen by a certain date or age. “One of the most valuable methods to attracting your soulmate is to surrender the timeline,” she says.
Whether you’re in your 20s, 40s, or beyond, love doesn’t run on a schedule. “Do not underestimate God’s timing, the timing of the universe,” she says. Her own mother met her soulmate in her 50s, a reminder that it’s never too late for meaningful connection. “The timeline is making you anxious. It’s making you thirsty. It’s making you needy…and that needy nature, it’s not attractive. It doesn’t work.”
Instead, trust the process and add in a little prayer: “Thank you universe for revealing to me what is of my highest good.” Here’s to creating space for the kind of love that arrives with ease—not pressure.
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