Aliza Pressman Drops the Realest Parenting Advice You’ll Hear All Week

If you’ve ever snapped mid-tantrum and immediately googled “am I a bad mom,” you’re not alone. Modern parenting culture practically dares you to stay zen through spilled yogurt, bedtime meltdowns, and school emails marked “urgent.” But no one—and especially no parent—is calm all the time.

On Raising Good Humans, host Dr. Aliza Pressman sits down with Caitlin Murray of Big Time Adulting to answer the internet’s favorite parenting question: how to stay cool-ish without losing your mind. Whether you’re the parent secretly rage-breathing in the school-pickup line or wondering if your kid’s iPad habit means therapy later, this conversation is the reminder you actually need—you can be human and still raise good humans.

The lie we’ve been sold about ‘calm’ parenting

“There’s this whole thing around gentle parenting and keeping calm all the time, and using a calm voice and being firm,” Murray says, “but calm all the time—like always calm—nobody’s f***ing always calm.”

She’s right. Somewhere between Instagram Reels and parenting TikToks, “gentle” turned into “emotionally mute.” The internet tells parents to breathe through tantrums and respond to defiance like a customer service rep, but real life doesn’t sound like that.

Real life is snapping when your toddler refuses shoes after the fifth reminder. It’s muttering “are you kidding me?” under your breath at 7:45 a.m. when everyone’s running late. Parenting isn’t calm—it’s controlled chaos held together by caffeine and guilt. And as messy as that can be, kids don’t need perfectly calm parents. They need real ones.

“It’s not particularly healthy for kids to grow up in a household where there was an underlying seething that was never expressed,” Pressman explains. Research on emotional regulation backs it up—when parents suppress frustration or sadness, kids don’t learn how to process their own. They see a blank face and assume big feelings are bad.

How to know if you’re pushing your kid or just being controlling

Once you’ve accepted that you’re not a Zen monk with a stroller, the next parenting trap shows up fast—trying to turn “supportive” into “successful.” It starts with good intentions—signing them up for piano lessons, encouraging soccer tryouts, nudging them toward “grit.” But without realizing it, the line between encouragement and control gets blurry. That’s where Pressman’s test comes in: “Ask yourself the first question, ‘Is what I’m asking my child to do, questioning their value as a human, their worthiness, if they don’t do it?’”

If the message is “In this family we ski, and if you don’t, you’re not one of us,” that’s not encouragement, but emotional blackmail. Parenting experts have long warned that when kids feel like love and belonging depend on achievement, they keep hustling until they’re running on fumes. It’s a straight line to anxiety, perfectionism, and that inner critic that never logs off.

But as Pressman explains, there’s a better way. “In this family, we try skiing, and it’s uncomfortable and hard, but we do it 12 times before we make a decision about it.” That subtle shift turns pressure into persistence. You’re not demanding performance, but teaching resilience. And as it turns out, kids thrive when they have both guidance and wiggle room. 

Bullying vs. being a jerk 

Every parent dreads hearing the word “bullying,” but not every mean moment counts as one. About one in five U.S. students say they’ve been bullied at school, and nearly one in four report some form of it online, according to the CDC. Globally, it’s closer to one in three teens. So yes, it’s common, but the definition matters.

To be clear, bullying isn’t just someone being rude once. “Bullying is targeted,” Pressman explains. “There’s a power dynamic. The person who’s bullying is more powerful, either socially or physically, and they’re enlisting others to participate.” Being a jerk, on the other hand, is a one-off or situational thing. It stings, but it doesn’t have the same ongoing, power-based pattern.

If your child is dealing with true bullying—repeated targeting, exclusion, or humiliation—they need adult support and intervention. But if it’s a kid being unkind or immature, that’s a chance to help your child build thicker skin, boundaries, and perspective. As Murray says after her own son was teased for being “a nerd,” she told him, “But you are and that’s a good thing.” Learning the difference helps kids handle conflict without assuming every unpleasant moment is a crisis.

Stop obsessing over minutes and start asking better questions

“The problem with screens isn’t the screens themselves and the problem with phones isn’t the phones themselves,” Pressman points out. “It’s what is it taking you away from?” That shift—from counting minutes to noticing what’s missing—is exactly where the science has landed. The American Academy of Pediatrics now advises parents to focus less on hard limits and more on displacement. What are screens replacing? Is it sleep? Movement? Meals? Connection? Because that’s where the damage actually shows up.

“You want to avoid screen time during mealtime and sources of connection,” Pressman explains, adding that exercise and outdoor time are just as essential. “You don’t want to do it before bed. Or have screens or phones, certainly in the bedroom and at night.” She’s right. Phones at dinner kill conversation, late-night scrolling wrecks sleep, and when screens sneak into every space, connection gets crowded out. 

The research lines up. Kids who eat dinner without devices, play outside every day, and sleep without screens in their rooms report higher well-being than those living under strict “one-hour” rules. With those boxes checked, Pressman says, “You can’t overdo it if you have those limits…there aren’t enough hours in the day.”

So, instead of “How long is too long?” try asking better questions:

• What’s this replacing? 
• How does my kid act after using it? 
• Is this adding value or just filling space?
• Are we still connecting in real life?

Those questions shift the focus from control to connection—and that’s where the real wins happen.

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