‘Girls Gotta Eat’ on Why ‘Protecting Your Peace’ Is Quietly Ruining Friendships

If your group chat is lively but your real life feels…lightly abandoned, Girls Gotta Eat is speaking your language. Hosts Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg dig into why friendships are quietly getting more one-sided, with the internet’s favorite line as the thesis: “Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.” They get specific about how “protecting your peace” can slide into opting out of community altogether, especially when people start treating plans like optional suggestions.

Friendship takes effort, and sometimes effort looks like showing up when you’re tired, anxious, or mildly annoyed at the idea of putting on jeans. They also call out the slow rot that comes from avoidance, because “the thing that ruins friendships is not conflict, it’s avoidance.” 

‘Girls Gotta Eat’ Explains the Rise of One-Sided Friendships

“Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager”

Hesseltine and Greenberg frame this quote as a snapshot of how modern friendships actually function. People want support, community, and someone to show up when life gets heavy. What’s missing is the follow-through and the willingness to be mildly inconvenienced for someone else.

Saying no isn’t the problem. The issue is when every plan, milestone, or emotional moment gets filtered through “Does this serve me right now?” That mindset builds isolation fast. And the result is friendships that look active online but feel thin in real life. You’re “keeping in touch,” but not actually showing up. And when people don’t show up, patterns form. Invitations slow. Trust erodes. Nobody announces it, but the village slowly dissolves.

Community doesn’t happen by accident. Villages are built by people who remember birthdays, sit on bathroom floors, go to the thing even when they’d rather stay home, and don’t treat connection like an optional add-on.

Friendship is inconvenient sometimes and you don’t get to be shocked by that

Here’s the thing, effort is part of the deal. “Friendship is inconvenient sometimes,” Greenberg states. Not in a dramatic, life-ruining way—but in the very real sense that showing up often requires time and energy, or doing something you wouldn’t pick if the night were entirely about you. “I really have a problem with people being like, just skip it. You don’t have to go,” she continues. Because when skipping becomes the default, the disappointment on the other just goes unspoken; it hasn’t disappeared.

Greenberg frames it through reciprocity. You can’t want people to treat your milestones like they matter if you’re unwilling to do the same. “I want people to show me that the things that I prioritize are important to me,” she says. That expectation doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

The fix for friendship anxiety isn’t ghosting, it’s saying the thing

Silence does more damage than discomfort. Avoidance can feel easier in the moment, but it chips away at trust. Letting things slide, pulling back without explanation, or slowly disengaging doesn’t protect anyone—it just leaves confusion behind.

The hosts also unpack the fear underneath that avoidance. One friend admitted the reason she stays quiet is simple: “The people will leave me.” But that’s BS. If calmly explaining that something hurt your feelings causes someone to disappear, the friendship was already on shaky ground.

They argue that conflict, when handled directly, often deepens relationships instead of ending them. Greenberg explains, “Every time I’ve faced conflict head-on with a friend, I feel like I’ve gotten closer with them.” Saying the thing creates clarity. It sets expectations. It gives people a chance to show up differently.

Use the ‘friendship closeness event importance matrix’ before you bail

If you need something more concrete than vibes, Hesseltine and Greenberg offer an actual decision-making tool. “This is the friendship closeness event importance matrix,” Hesseltine says while sharing a drawing of four quadrants, laughing. The idea is simple—how close you are to someone and how important the event is should determine whether you show up, not just how tired you feel that day. It may seem silly, but it works.

The non-negotiable zone goes first. Hesseltine says, “Close friend, important event. You have to go. You have to go.” That’s weddings, major milestones, the moments people remember forever. If you skip those, the relationship changes, whether anyone says it out loud or not.

On the other end, they acknowledge that not everything deserves your presence. A less close friend and a low-stakes event doesn’t require the same commitment, and sending a gift or support from afar can be enough.

The matrix gives permission to say no strategically, without becoming the friend no one can count on. It replaces guilt and avoidance with clarity—and makes it a lot harder to justify flaking on the moments that actually matter.

To hear the full conversation on friendships and showing up, listen to Girls Gotta Eat wherever you get your podcasts.

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