How Often Should You Be Having Sex? ‘Live From Bed’ Has the Answer

You’ve probably Googled it: How often should couples really be having sex? Maybe you wanted receipts to prove your relationship is normal. Maybe you were comparing yourself to friends who swear they’re doing it daily. The obsession with finding a “magic number” has turned into one of the biggest stressors for couples, but it’s also one of the most misleading.

On Live From Bed, host Jade Iovine sits down with sex educator Shan Boodram to unpack why the search for a perfect number is setting couples up to fail—and what actually makes a sex life healthy. Whether you’re having it once a week, once a month, or more than that, this conversation flips the script on how often you should be doing it and what matters more.

The obsession with sex frequency

Somewhere along the line, “how often are you doing it?” became the relationship pop quiz question. Suddenly you’re left wondering if you and your partner are failing some invisible test. The truth? “There is no magical number,” Boodram points out, and trying to force one usually just makes couples miserable.

Research shows that while frequent sex often correlates with higher relationship satisfaction, the effect plateaus around once a week. Pushing beyond that doesn’t automatically make couples happier—it just feeds the pressure to keep up with unrealistic expectations. And when partners don’t match on what feels “normal,” that mismatch is what causes stress.

It’s a setup we’ve all fallen into: comparing your relationship to someone else’s highlight reel or treating intimacy like a quota you have to hit. Instead of deepening connection, it becomes another metric to track.

Why most couples get this wrong

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is treating mismatched libidos like a math equation. One partner wants it five times a week, the other only once, so you split the difference at three, right? Nope.

Boodram explains that this approach typically relies on what “compassionate desire”—essentially, one partner having sex primarily to please the other. While this sounds loving in theory, it creates a problematic dynamic. The mindset becomes, “Well, I want it, you should do it for me because I want it,” Boodram explains. But here’s the kicker—people expecting compassionate desire often aren’t actually “servicing their partner in other ways.” They just have “an expectation of what a lover is supposed to do, what your natural obligation is supposed to be.”

Studies show this creates a cycle of sexual aversion. When sex becomes a service performed rather than pleasure shared, the person providing that service naturally starts wanting it less. 

The real questions to ask when your numbers don’t match

Instead of arguing about frequency, Boodram suggests asking better questions. “If you want to know why my number is 20 and your number is 100, then you have to really realize, okay, well, what is happening for you? What’s happening for me that’s not happening for you?” she says.

This reframe is revolutionary. Rather than seeing mismatched desire as a problem to solve through compromise, you start investigating the quality and dynamics of your sexual experiences. Is the sex you’re having actually enjoyable for both of you? Do you feel connected, or does it feel rushed and routine? These are the real variables hiding underneath the numbers.

Don’t stuff down the awkwardness—go ahead and bring it up. Because while it might feel uncomfortable to say, “I really want more foreplay” or “Lately I feel too tired,” studies show that couples who talk openly about what they want, what they enjoy, and what feels bad end up happier in the long run.

What actually determines a healthy sex life

Forget numbers. The real sign of a healthy intimacy is whether both people actually want the sex they’re having. Studies consistently show that satisfaction has way less to do with hitting a certain frequency and more to do with how free, safe, and connected you feel in bed.

Boodram breaks it down into what she calls the “freedom framework.” First, freedom to explore—that means loving who you love and trying what excites you, whether that’s switching positions, experimenting with toys, or yes, bringing food into the bedroom if that’s your thing. Then there’s freedom from scripts—dropping the idea that you have to perform sex a certain way because of how you were raised, your gender, or what you saw in a movie. Finally, there’s freedom not to—the ability to say no without guilt, which ironically makes the yeses way more “emphatic, juicy, [and] joyful.”

This is why chasing a “magic number” backfires. When couples pressure each other to keep up with a quota, it strips away the very freedoms that make intimacy exciting in the first place. One person feels forced, the other feels rejected, and nobody walks away happy. But when both partners feel free to say yes, no, and “let’s try this,” sex stops being a chore and starts being something you genuinely look forward to.

Catch the full conversation on Live From Bed streaming now.

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