How to Deal with Dating Anxiety (Without Overthinking)

If you’ve thrown yourself into the modern dating scene, there’s one feeling you’re probably very familiar with: dating anxiety. Between uncertainty, ghosting, mixed signals, and constant comparisons, dating anxiety can shake even the most confident people. But just like Carla Benzason discusses in “Dating with Anxiety (AKA Hell),” this isn’t just jitters and butterflies. 

Instead, it’s an emotional response to the total unpredictability that comes with dating. And unfortunately, it can lead to a string of self-sabotaging behaviors, like overthinking, self-doubt, and fear of rejection. Here’s the good news, though: dating anxiety is SO much more common than you think. And, even better, there are plenty of ways to deal with it. 

In this post, we’re telling you exactly how to deal with dating anxiety, inspired by advice from Carla Bezanson, host of Don’t Think. We’ll talk about what it is, what causes it, and how you can start coping with it starting today. 

It’s time to check our “Conversation Starters for Dating Apps” and listen to The Dream Bigger Podcast’s episode on getting your spark back. We’re tackling dating anxiety headfirst. 

How to Deal with Dating Anxiety (Without Overthinking)

Dating anxiety has a funny way of making even the most exciting opportunities feel overwhelming. First dates feel intimidating, text-backs feel like an invitation for judgment, and navigating dating apps leaves you questioning your instincts with every swipe. It’s exhausting—we see you.

However, like Carla discussed in “Wherever I Go, There I Am,” even when you try to run from your feelings, they run right alongside you. To overcome dating anxiety, the key isn’t to mute your nervous system. Instead, it’s to approach negative thoughts with greater self-awareness and healthier coping strategies!

To start, let’s cover what dating anxiety is and what causes it. When you understand the why, you eventually create a dating experience that feels less stressful, more authentic, and, ultimately, more rewarding.

Take it from Carla: Don’t let the fact that you’re feeling anxious stop you from dating. Instead, push through doubt, call out the lies your anxiety tells you, and do it scared. 

What Is Dating Anxiety?

Dating anxiety is a form of stress or fear that occurs before, during, or after romantic interactions. As we mentioned earlier, this isn’t the same as pre-date jitters or first kiss butterflies. It manifests as overanalyzing, a fear of rejection, people-pleasing, and physical symptoms that make you want to avoid dating altogether.  

“Are We Too Anxious to Date? ft. Brooke Averick” from We Met At Acme is actually an excellent resource for learning more about this topic! The truth is, dating anxiety doesn’t just impact people new to dating. It affects those with pre-existing anxiety disorders, those healing from past relationships, individuals with insecure attachment styles, and even people who are otherwise confident in every other area of their lives. More specifically, dating anxiety can look like…

• Physical Symptoms: Racing heart, sweating, shaking, upset stomach, nausea, or fast breathing
• Mental and Cognitive Symptoms: Rumination, overanalyzing conversations, perfectionism, and fear of rejection
• Behavioral Symptoms: Avoidance, people-pleasing, and reassurance-seeking

TL;DR: Dating anxiety doesn’t discriminate—but it’s not a personality trait. Most importantly, it doesn’t reflect your worth, value, or ability to form a healthy relationship. It’s simply the result of what happens when emotions, uncertainty, and vulnerability collide.

Interested in a relatable take on this? Tune into “Social Anxiety Is a Full-Time Job.” Carla talks all about Irish goodbyes, spending weeks spiraling over future plans, and overthinking your own personality.

What Causes Dating Anxiety?

Fear of Rejection

One of the most common causes of dating anxiety is worrying about being rejected or not measuring up to someone’s expectations. Instead of just enjoying the experience and getting to know the other person, you start treating every interaction like a test you have to pass. Every delayed text, canceled plan, and awkward silence begins to feel like a personal attack—not a simple mismatch in connection. 

Carla touches on this in her episode, “It Was Never That Deep (But It Felt Like It).” You spiral way too hard, your brain translates inconvenience to catastrophe, and then you have that “Wait…was it really that serious?” moment of reflection.

Past Relationship Experiences

Being burned in a past relationship can totally put you off of matching with potential partners. In the back of your mind, you’ll always have doubts, making you wonder if this is just “too good to be true.” Let us be the ones to tell you: that is self-sabotage 101. But it’s not entirely your fault—your nervous system can be to blame, too. It’s just trying to protect you from getting hurt again.

Carla has such an empowering episode for this, titled “There’s No Prize for Suffering / with Alicia McCarvell.” In other words, your mental health and dating life don’t have to stay trapped in the shadow of your past relationship.

Low Self-Esteem

If you struggle with confidence, chances are, you may be filling those gaps by placing extra importance on dating outcomes. And we say this as your virtual bestie, not someone putting you down. People who lack self-esteem may try to find it in potential partners, naturally increasing anxiety long-term. (Carla refers to this as “Chronic Not Enough-Ness.”) Instead of forming meaningful relationships and focusing on the present moment, you’re too busy worrying about being your date’s perfect match. 

And, let’s be real, that would cause anyone anxiety. For a little relatable reassurance, listen to “I’m Fine, But Only If You Like Me.” Carla talks about one super important point: needing to be liked is the fastest way to lose your mind. 

Anxious Attachment Style

Your attachment style plays a huge role in dating. More importantly, if you have an anxious-attachment style, chances are, you probably also have a fear of abandonment. (Too close to home?) This can quickly lead to overanalyzing texts, seeking reassurance, and worrying about where your relationship’s headed. Not only does this mess with your future love life, but it also messes with your mental health. 

But don’t start panic-deleting your dating apps—your attachment style isn’t a life sentence. There are tried-and-true ways to heal, move forward, and stop letting anxiety lead the way. In fact, research shows that intentional self-awareness and emotional regulation are two powerful ways to develop an “Earned-Secure” attachment style!

Negative Thought Patterns

Our minds can be INCREDIBLY convincing. And when experiencing dating anxiety, every minorly off interaction suddenly becomes “proof” that the relationship is falling apart. You start to assume the worst, overanalyze conversations, and focus on potential problems—not facts. For example, you assume they didn’t text you back because they were cheating on you. Never mind the fact that they could’ve been showering, eating, or working! See how this can become a full-on overthinking spiral?

If anyone understands where you’re coming from, it’s Carla. Just tune into “Challenging Negative Thoughts While Having 900 of Them!” In this episode, she talks about things like OCD loops and catastrophic thinking—because when you’re stuck in negative thought patterns, your brain loves to lie to you.

Fear of Vulnerability

Whether you have social anxiety disorder or you’re the life of the party, opening up to someone new IS intimidating! It requires an emotional risk that, at times, no amount of confidence can completely erase. However, that fear of vulnerability is simply a reflection of the possibility of getting hurt, being disappointed, or being judged—and it’s incredibly common.

Carla talks about this in her episode, “The Lie of Having Your Life Together.” Even though it may look like the people around you have it perfectly figured out, you’re typically just seeing their highlight reel. 

Dating App Pressure

Modern dating apps have made meeting people easier than ever—and reducing dating anxiety harder. Between endless swiping, ghosting, mixed signals, and the pressure to make a memorable first impression in just a few photos and prompts, it’s easy to feel like you’re constantly being evaluated. But remember: an app is just a tool, not a reflection of your worth.

Another fan-favorite episode from Carla: tune into “Not Everyone Has to Like You (Unfortunately).” In it, she discusses caring less, anxious mind reading, and how to stop letting other people’s opinions send you into a sense-of-self spiral.

How to Cope with Dating Anxiety

Fortunately, coping with dating anxiety is much easier than your brain is making you think it is. From deep breathing to managing mental health conditions (looking at your, our OCD and social anxiety girlies), here’s how to get out of your head and back into the present. This way, you can date with more confidence, clarity, and peace. 

Manage Overthinking

The sooner you can recognize thought loops, the quicker you can interrupt them. This is especially true after dates or during texting convos, when you think things like:

• “They used one exclamation mark instead of two. Something must be wrong.”
• “They only like me because I put on my best performance tonight.”
• “I doubted my connection with them yesterday. Does this mean I don’t actually like them?”
• “They liked my Instagram story, but haven’t texted me back yet. Clearly they don’t care.”

Thought loops and overthinking are literally just your brain’s way of tricking you into thinking that something has to be wrong. Carla actually talks ALL about this in “OCD and the Never-Ending Thought Loops!” In most cases, your brain is just psyching your heart out. Check out our post, “Thought Patterns That Are Low-Key Ruining Your Life”—we have a feeling it’s just what you need.

Build Comfort with Uncertainty

As much as we may hate it, uncertainty is a normal part of dating. We can never be 100% sure of outcomes, expectations, or where a relationship may lead. But isn’t that kind of the beauty in dating? You may meet the love of your life tomorrow, and it won’t be your anxiety that got you there. (It may be the result of listening to “Manifest True Love & Attract Your Soulmate in 5 Steps” from Dear Gabby, though.) 

Instead of letting uncertainty scare you, become familiar with it. It may feel super uncomfortable at first, but that’s totally normal. Over time, your brain learns that tolerating ambiguity ultimately reduces stress—and emotional exhaustion. It’s worth the effort, trust us. 

To help with this, listen to “My Imposter Syndrome Has Imposter Syndrome.” It’s a good reminder that you are deserving of a beautiful relationship—regardless of how anxious you are now.

Create Realistic Expectations

Don’t go into EVERY single date assuming this will be “the one.” (Cue: “Is There “The One” or Are We All Settling?”) By doing so, you’re putting unnecessary pressure on your date, your experience, and your feelings. Instead, view dates as opportunities to learn about compatibility! 

Figure out what you like, what you want, and what you expect from future partners. AKA, use each experience to add to your dating checklist. Sometimes, you may love someone’s humor, but hate the way they talk to the server. Other times, you may appreciate someone’s gentleness towards you, but dislike how little they open up about themselves. 

Every date is a new, exciting opportunity—not a guaranteed relationship. And that’s okay!

Reduce Dating App Stress

One of the most underrated tips of them all: reduce your dating app stress. While they’re fantastic for meeting new people, they don’t come without their faults. More specifically, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in your own thoughts, start comparing yourself, and mistake someone else’s behavior for your own worth. Start reducing stress by…

• Setting healthy boundaries around app usage 
• Avoiding constant checking and monitoring
• Limiting comparison to other people
• Focusing on quality interactions over quantity

Need a little help here? “Call It Respect My Boundaries” from Grey’s Anatomy’s Camilla Luddington and Jessica Capshaw’s podcast, We Ride at Dawn, is a great place to start. After that? Tune into “Sami Clarke and Nikki Novo on Trusting the Path You’re On When It Doesn’t Make Sense Yet” from Transform.

Stay Present During Dates

As easy as it is to get into your own head, make a conscious effort to stay present during dates. Don’t think about what may happen in the future, whether they’ll text you when they get home, or, honestly, even how they’re perceiving you. Instead, just enjoy the now. 

This may seem challenging, but it’s actually really simple. Practice mindfulness by bringing your attention back to the conversation in front of you. Pay attention to what they’re saying, how you feel around them, and whether you’re genuinely enjoying yourself. Instead of wondering “Do they like them?” try asking yourself something more important… “Do I like them?”

One final go-to resource, and it’s one of the most important: tune into “People ARE Judging You… So Now What.” Carla talks about how confidence comes from exposure, and how that shift helped her stop letting people’s opinions control her life. Majorly helpful in the dating department.

When you realize where dating anxiety comes from, you can finally kick it to the curb—for good.

We’d be lying if we said that dating wasn’t intimidating, challenging, and, at times, hard. But we’d also be lying if we said that you can’t build a healthier relationship with it. You don’t need to swear off your dating apps and become celibate! Instead, follow these tips, prioritize awareness, and put yourself back in the driver’s seat. 

Interested in more helpful advice just like this? Head to Dear Media, where we cover everything from dating tips for a single mom to all things pop culture, health and wellness, beauty and style, parenting, and careers. We do it all around here, thanks to our incredible Dear Media podcast hosts.

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