How to Fix a Relationship After a Fight: What to Say and Do

Fighting in a romantic relationship can be totally normal, but how you fix a relationship after a fight matters. We all handle those post-fight moments differently. Some of us hit our mental “do not disturb” button, while others refuse to go to bed angry. And here’s a hint: one of these solutions creates distance, while the other creates devotion.

Like host of Note to Self, Payton Sartain, discussed in “How to Tell If It’s a Rough Patch or the Wrong Person,” there are SO many factors to healthy conflict and navigating fights. And, of course, nobody wants to fight with their significant other. But aside from avoiding arguments, research shows that couples who actively repair their relationship after a fight have higher long-term satisfaction than those who don’t.

See why it’s so important now?

To help, we’re sharing a guide on how to effectively fix a relationship after a fight. We’ll talk about whether fighting is normal, what to do afterward, and how to make the relationship better. We’ll also be doing a little self-reflecting, because as Jillian Turecki and Dr. Will discuss in THIS episode of The Art of Being Well, change BEGINS with you. AKA, it’s a two-way street, baby!

How to Fix a Relationship After a Fight: What to Say and Do

When you think of fighting with your significant other, you probably imagine it like chipping away at an ice block. Something’s wrong, right? And eventually, all of those little moments will shatter everything. However, it’s a little more nuanced than that!

Fighting actually shows that you care enough about your partner, your relationship, and the topic to engage—not withdraw. But when we say it’s important to fix the relationship, we don’t mean to stop arguments altogether. They’ll still happen—it’s inevitable. And that’s actually what “How to Make Forever Last” from Come Together touches on! Instead, turn them into opportunities for growth and understanding. 

Repairing a relationship after a fight takes intention and strategy. Is it easy? Not always. But it is important, so we’re here to tell you how to do it:

Is It Normal to Fight in a Relationship?

Of course,it’s normal to fight in a relationship. But if you don’t want to take it from us, take it from research. Studies show that a disagreement handled with dignity can bring a couple closer. And now you have another question… What does it mean to handle a fight with dignity?

Also nuanced. (Relationships are layered, what can we say?!) If you have a couple that mutually brushes things under the rug, that’s basically considered a shared communication style. Same for couples who calmly discuss problems, or couples who scream and yell until they feel better. (We don’t recommend the latter, FYI.) It isn’t just what the fight is about—it’s what the couple’s communication style is.

And let’s be clear: there’s a difference in normal fighting and hurtful, destructive arguments. Kristin Cavallari covers this in “Red Flags, Gaslighting, & Bad Behavior” on Let’s Be Honest. Dear Gabby host, Gabrielle Bernstein also covered this, which we wrote about in “Ways to Stop Repeating the Same Toxic Relationship Dynamic.” Needless to say, you have resources to double-check that your relationship’s fighting style is normal—not needless.

How Much Fighting Is Normal in a Relationship?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, because every relationship is different. While your friend and their partner may fight once every week, you and yours may fight once a month. And it can be about so many different things: laundry, social media, kids, pets, chores, finances—the list goes on.

Think of it this way: it’s less about how often, and more about how you solve it. “It All Comes Down to Communication ft. Tay Lautner” from We Met At Acme covers this PERFECTLY. If you’re just bandaging arguments with simple apologies, the foundation will always have cracks in it. But if you’re taking intentional steps to repair and move forward, you’re setting your relationship up for success.

Here’s exactly how to do that:

What to Do After a Fight in a Relationship

Take the space to calm down first.

First things first: calm down. Don’t try to fix things immediately, while emotions are still high and you’re still upset or angry. Then you’ll just be reacting—not repairing. 

Listen to podcasts that help you de-stress, read a book, recite these daily affirmations for anxiety to calm your mind and improve your mood. Basically, have a plan in place so you can come back to the conversation level-headed.

Regulate your nervous system before re-engaging.

When your nervous system is unregulated, you’re in constant fight-or-flight mode. We actually discussed this in depth in our post, “How to Calm Your Nervous System!” Basically, you’re on guard, you’re anxious, and you’re in defense mode. And that’s not gonna solve anything. 

Before talking to your partner, listen to “Lauryn Bosstick on Nervous System Regulation Practices & Building Routines to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed” from The Bossticks. And listen while you deep breathe, go for a short walk, or quietly reflect. When you bring your body back to balance, you’re more level-headed and able to communicate effectively.

Start the conversation with a specific apology.

Nothing can make matters worse than half-ass apologizing when things are already tense. And if it’s someone you care about (which you clearly do), that lack of accountability hits deep. Start the conversation with a sincere breakdown: what you did, how it affected your partner, and how you plan to move differently going forward.

And remember what we said earlier: it’s just as important to forgive yourself as it is for your partner to forgive you. To understand just how important, listen to the Mayci Neeley podcast episode on The Real Pod!

Schedule a time to calmly reconnect.

This ties into our previous point: schedule time during the day when you can have a calm conversation. No distractions, no high emotions, and no lingering anger. And most importantly, don’t force the conversation. 

If your partner asks for a few hours, it’s probably best to give it to them. It’s not that they’re avoiding you or the relationship—they’re probably just trying to cool down.

Is Space Good in a Relationship After a Fight?

Space can be good in a relationship after a fight, but it depends on what that space entails. If it’s temporary and mutual? It’s absolutely beneficial. Especially because high emotions can trigger fight-or-flight responses, and then both partners are overwhelmed and overemotional.

But here’s the difference: there’s a clear distinction between healthy space and emotional withdrawal.

Healthy space is intentional, respectful, and balanced, allowing a couple to maintain their independence, prioritize their emotional growth, and recharge their minds without disconnecting. You recognize the need to take a second to move forward; it’s mutual and understood. On the other hand, emotional withdrawal is a defense mechanism that causes a person to shut down and disconnect from an emotional connection. Think: one-word responses, physical distancing, cold behavior, and avoidance.

Maybe it’s a result of fearful-avoidant attachment, or maybe your partner just hasn’t learned how to break down those walls. Regardless, it’s important to figure out where that space is coming from—and whether it’s helpful or harmful. Every relationship is different!

Curious to learn more? Listen to “Why We Love the Way We Do (Attachment Styles Explained)” from Scheananigans. Or, tune into “Attachment Styles Explained: Why We Chase Unavailable People (and What to Do Instead) with Thais Gibson” from Well with Arielle Lorre!

How to Repair a Relationship After a Fight

Take Responsibility

This one’s so important: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! We get it, nobody likes saying “Hey, I effed up.” But it’s what can make or break those post-fight moments in a relationship. Just listen to “Laird Hamilton on Marriage, Partnership, and Building Love That Lasts” from The Gabby Reece Show. Gabby and her Husband talk all about accountability—and why it matters for longevity.

Acknowledging your mistakes rebuilds trust, validates your partner’s feelings, and addresses emotions. And when you own your actions rather than blame someone else for them, it shows one crucial aspect: you care about your partner more than your ego.

Validate Your Partner’s Emotions

Speaking of validating your partner’s emotions! This is another extremely important component of repairing a relationship after a fight. You don’t always have to agree with your partner—that was never part of the deal. You should, however, hear them out. 

Listen to how they feel, what they have to say, and their perspective on the fight. When they feel like their emotions are validated, they’re less likely to feel attacked and more likely to open up. This also naturally de-escalates the situation and even demonstrates empathy. Always approach fights as  “we vs. the problem,” not “you vs. me.”

Empathy is so important that we wrote an entire post about it to explain why. Check out “Why Is Empathy Important in a Relationship?” 

Offer to Reconnect Through Quality Time

Sometimes, to reconnect, you need to set aside a little quality time together. This doesn’t necessarily mean going out on a fancy date! It could mean cozying up on the couch while you ask your partner vulnerable questions. It could also mean planning a picnic. Or having a move night. Or scheduling a vacation. 

It doesn’t matter what your quality time looks like—it just matters that you have it. More importantly, it helps rebuild intimacy, emotionally regulate the relationship, and even prevent future conflicts. Quality = intentional, and that’s what really matters. 

Identify Repetitive Triggers and Commit to Change

We all have triggers—and, good news—we’re all valid in that. As we discussed in our post, “How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship Without Being Controlling,” recognizing those triggers is the first step toward committing to change.

For example, maybe your partner has abandonment issues, and too many missed calls and texts make them anxious. (Something The Squeeze discusses in “Thais Gibson: How Attachment Styles Shape Our Relationships!) Or maybe your partner rolling their eyes triggers your feeling of disrespect. 

Regardless, be open about what sets you off so you AND your partner can commit to making changes. This isn’t a simple fix—it’s a silent way to say, “I see you, I hear you, and I respect you.”

Use Gentle Touch and Affection Thoughtfully

Thoughtful, intentional affection can make a world of difference after a fight. And not just because it feels nice—physical touch promotes mental and physical well-being. This reduces fight-or-flight responses, lowers cortisol, boosts oxytocin, and promotes relaxation. 

So it’s not just in your head; gentle touch has real psychological benefits. From back scratches and hand-holding to cheek kisses and hugs, physical affection is a nonverbal way to demonstrate empathy and signal to your partner that everything’s okay.

Practice Patience

Patience is a major example of emotional intelligence, which is vital in relationships. And we don’t just mean patience towards your partner; we mean patience for yourself, too. Dear Gabby covers this in DEPTH in the episode “Why Patience Is So Hard & How to Start Manifesting with Faith.” 

We all mess up, say things we don’t mean, and become a little irritable. We’re only human. Apologize to your partner, communicate where you fell short, and admit that you are working on being more patient. It’s not the easiest process, but it’s definitely worth it.

We have even more tricks up our sleeve in our post, “What Is Emotional Intelligence in a Relationship?” 

How to Make a Relationship Better After a Fight

Frame conflicts as growth opportunities rather than threats.

A fight doesn’t always have to mean conflict. And this is a hard mindset shift, we get it. But instead of thinking negatively each time you and your partner fight, view it as an opportunity for growth. 

Arguing about finances? It can create the foundation for discussing shared goals. Going back and forth about which partner handles which chores? This can lead to conversations about teamwork and empathy. (And a mutual listen to “Chore Play Meets Foreplay with Shan Boodram” from Come Together. Seriously, it relates more than you’d think.)

Ultimately, how you view a fight can totally alter how you approach conflict. And this can be the difference between chaos and clarity.

Create new habits that prevent future fights.

Remember what we said earlier, sometimes the relationship just needs boundaries around triggers. If you know that leaving your shoes in the walkway inevitably starts a fight, make a conscious effort to be more mindful of this habit. Or if you know that your partner’s tone, even if it’s unintentional, can set you off, tell them that!

Setting boundaries now prevents fights later. You’ll still have minor conflicts, but you won’t have mental screaming matches over the same things over and over again.

Set rules for arguing in calm moments.

Every argument should be approached calmly, respectfully, and empathetically… as if, right? Easier said than done, and we get that. It sounds good on paper, but it’s much harder to actually apply in the heat of the moment. Instead of trying to be the perfect partner, just set realistic rules.

Here are a few examples you can use as inspiration:

• Never go to bed angry.
• No name-calling—ever. (Here’s more on things your partner should never say to you!)
• Take a pause, not a disappearance.
• Stay on the current issue without bringing up the past.
• Assume your partner has good intentions before reacting. 
• Don’t try to “win,” try to understand.
• Come back to the conversation after emotions settle.
• End every argument with reassurance.
• Don’t shut down, even when it’s uncomfortable.
• Apologize when you mean it, and say exactly what for.

Relationships require mutual effort; no partner should be doing the heavy lifting on their own. Communicate, prepare, and you’ll never struggle to resolve a conflict ever again. If you need a little loving reassurance, listen to “How We Should Handle Modern Relationships ft. Mel Robbins.” (When Mel talks, we’re all ears. Always.)

Fights are totally normal in relationships—it’s how you handle them that matters.

When you’re fighting with your partner, it’s easy to get lost in the moment. Your emotions are high, your feelings are hurt, and you’re probably on edge. But take a beat and remember that conflict doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. With the right strategies and a mindful approach, you can fix any fight life throws your relationship’s way.

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