Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex? Nobody Can Get You Over Them But You

You know it’s over. Logically, you get it. But somehow your brain didn’t get the memo, and now you’re three months post-breakup still checking their Instagram story at 2 a.m. and listening to the same sad playlist on repeat. You’ve gotten advice from friends, heard the “you deserve better” speeches, maybe even tried the whole “just focus on yourself” thing. And yet—here you are. Still thinking about them. Still wondering what went wrong. Still not over it.

On It’s Always Something, host Davis Roe sits down with her best friend Maddie to get brutally honest about breakups, first loves, and why moving on is so much harder than anyone tells you it’s going to be. Whether you’re fresh out of a relationship or still hung up on someone from years ago, this one’s for you.

How to Get Over Your Ex: Uncomfortable Truth About Moving On

Nobody can make you get over it

Here’s the uncomfortable truth that no one wants to hear: your friends can’t fix this for you. Neither can the podcasts, the self-help books, or the well-meaning advice from your mom. Moving on from someone is an inside job, and until you actually want it for yourself, nothing anyone says is going to stick.

“Nobody can do it for you,” Maddie says. “Anyone in your life can tell you this, this, and that, but until you want it for yourself is when you’ll get it.”

Research backs this up. One University of Illinois dissertation found the bond hits a halfway point around 4.2 years—so yeah, your brain taking forever is unfortunately on-brand for being human. Studies also suggest people who initiate the breakup tend to move on faster. Why? Because they’ve already made the decision. They wanted it.

The same principle applies to healing. You can know in your bones that someone isn’t right for you, but until you truly decide—in your core—that you’re done, you’ll stay stuck. And part of that decision means getting honest about what you were actually in love with.

“Did I love you, or did I genuinely just love that someone was so obsessed with me?” Maddie asks. It’s a question worth sitting with. Because a lot of the time, especially in your early twenties, relationships are more about ego than actual love. When someone’s obsessed with you, that feels like love. When they’re texting back immediately and making you feel like the center of their world, that feels like love. But it might just be your ego getting fed—and losing that validation can feel like losing a person, even when the person themselves wasn’t really the point.

Out of sight, out of mind is real

If you’ve ever tried to stop thinking about someone while still following them on social media, you already know it doesn’t work. You can’t heal from something you’re still consuming every day. And yet, so many of us keep the door cracked open—just in case. Just to see. Just to know.

“Out of sight, out of mind is the truest thing ever,” Maddie says. “If you actually want to stop thinking about somebody, they need to be gone.”

But it’s not just about unfollowing. Maddie explains that she went as far as avoiding her entire sad music playlist for five months after her first breakup. “If I listen to one sad song, they say one sad thing and I think one thing about that person, I’ll think about them for months,” she says. Instead, she only listened to house music and rap, anything that wouldn’t trigger the spiral.

It sounds extreme, but it’s actually smart. You’re not just removing the person—you’re removing everything that makes you think about them. The songs, the places, the playlists. All of it.

It’s an active choice every single day

Getting over someone isn’t passive. You don’t wake up healed with clear skin and zero thoughts. It’s catching yourself mid-thought and deciding not to let it snowball into a whole emotional rerun.

“It’s going to be an active decision every single day,” Davis says. “No, I can’t text him. No, no, no. I’m going to go on a walk instead of sitting in my bed and crying.”

That’s the work. Noticing when you’re about to go down the rabbit hole and choosing to interrupt it. Maddie puts it bluntly: when the thought pops up, you don’t entertain it. You shut it down. “My brain is my own social media,” she says. “And you’re blocked.”

Think of it as mental redirection. The thought shows up, you acknowledge it, and then you eject. You don’t replay the memories. You don’t reread old texts. You don’t romanticize the version of them that only exists at 2 a.m. You choose something else—movement, distraction, noise, anything that pulls you forward instead of backward.

Maddie even compares it to toddler-proofing a room. “You have to genuinely think about yourself as a toddler,” she says. “I’m toddler-proofing this room for myself…You just have to make the best [environment] for yourself so you can thrive.”

It sounds a little silly, but it’s actually kind of genius. You’re not just hoping you’ll feel better—you’re setting yourself up to feel better. You’re building a life that doesn’t include them. And eventually, that life becomes the new normal.

For more insights, tune into It’s Always Something wherever you get your podcasts.

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