How to Move On When You Can’t Get Closure

Because I Love You host Bria Jones and her father Carlos faced a shocking family revelation—the man they believed was Carlos’ father, Bria’s grandfather, was not his biological father after all. Making this discovery even more complex: Carlos’ mother passed away before he learned the truth, leaving him without the chance to understand why she kept this secret. Without access to answers from his mother and uncertainty about whether his biological father is still alive, Carlos has been forced to find healing without traditional closure. 

While this situation may seem unique to Bria and her family, most of us have experienced moments when discussing a difficult situation just isn’t an option. Here’s what Carlos and Bria have learned about moving forward.

Accept the pain

“The first step in understanding that closure is not always possible is accepting that pain, going through that grieving process,” says Bria. 

Psychologist and grief specialist Mary Frances O’Conner told NPR that “grieving is a form of learning.” It teaches us how to be in the world without a person we love, or in the case of Bria and Carlos, how to live with a new and challenging reality. 

Focus on what you do have

Bria encourages her father to focus on “what was there,” such as the fact that he “had a father figure who was present. Of course, there were lies involved in that, but you had a man who stepped up in your life who did not have to. The amount of love that you were given, and the amount of love that our family has been given despite this, is really admirable and special. That should be focused on too.”

Even if it’s hard to see at first, there may be a “glass half full” interpretation of your situation that can provide you with a sense of closure, even if you don’t get to talk through it the way you want to.

Forgiveness is for you, not for them

“When I had unforgiveness, I only stayed mad,” Carlos explains. “And when you stay mad, you cause problems in other areas and other relationships in your life. You explode or you have a lack of patience. You say things that you shouldn’t. You do things that you shouldn’t, you eat things that you shouldn’t, you drink things that you shouldn’t.” 

Even if someone hurts you badly and you don’t want to let them off the hook, holding on to your anger may hurt you more than it hurts them.

“Unforgiveness is not healthy,” says Carlos, while acknowledging that forgiving someone who has harmed you is extremely difficult. But forgiving people “doesn’t mean that now you’ve gotta let these people back into your life. That’s not necessarily what forgiveness is,” he explains. “Forgiveness is giving yourself freedom back.”

Create boundaries

After forgiveness comes boundary-setting. “You decide what that relationship looks like,” Carlos says. “If you were to cut these people off, it doesn’t mean you didn’t forgive them. It means you forgave them. You want to move on, but you’re taking that information and choosing to do what’s best for you in the future.”

Bria mentioned that Carlos took some time to set really firm boundaries before allowing some of his family members who’d kept the truth from him back into his life. “At one point when you were processing things, you didn’t talk to anybody in your immediate family. And that was a temporary decision that you made so that you could get through things. You needed some distance,” she says. “You were severely hurt by the choices that the people closest to you made, and it was incredibly valid. So you needed to create some healthy distance so that you could hear your own thoughts. And I think that was a great choice for you. And now you’re able to have a healthy dynamic with these people, but it took you a minute.”

Don’t tie your identity to your trauma

No matter what you experienced, you are more than your trauma, Bria says. “You can’t let this consume you and say, ‘I’m not worth having a dad,’” she tells Carlos. “You can’t turn it into that narrative. You have to now learn how to validate yourself in other ways. And so building your self-worth and your self-confidence without that closure is gonna be really essential.”

Carlos says that having a strong sense of self has been crucial to his healing process: “Carlos the man, the father, soon-to-be grandfather, I always stand strong in who I am. I’m very comfortable in my manhood of who I am. This is not something that’s gonna take me out forever.”

Find community

After doing some research into her family’s situation, Bria learned that one in four children in the U.S. grow up without their biological father. “One out of four people is experiencing something similar to you in some capacity,” she tells her dad. “There are so many people who can relate to your story. It’s not that it makes it better, it’s just you’re not alone in this.” 

Additionally, Bria also learned that four percent of people discover, often later in life, that their father isn’t their biological dad.

As rare or unusual as your experience may seem, you are not alone. Seek out people who have been through something similar. “Regardless of your circumstance,” Bria says, “I wanna remind you, anyone who relates to this situation, you can live a happy, healthy, balanced life regardless of where you’ve come from or what’s happened to you. It might take a little bit more work, but you can. There’s somebody out there who’s done it.”

To hear the full story of Carlos’ discovery, listen to this episode of Because I Love You.