Is the Maternal Instinct a Myth? Dr. Becky Kennedy—the Instagram Parenting Whisperer—Thinks So

Being a parent is arguably one of the world’s most important jobs—yet there’s there’s no formal training, no certification process, and definitely no handbook. If you’re feeling the weight of parenting, Dr. Becky Kennedy (aka Dr. Becky), has a message: You’re not failing, you’re just unprepared.

If you’re drowning in parenting guilty and second-guessing every decision, the clinical psychologist bestselling author, and Good Inside founder says it’s time to rewrite the rules of parenting—starting with ditching the scripts, embracing mess, and choosing connection over control.

“We have a lot of questions not because it’s so hard, but because the world has really underprepared us and told us a story that doesn’t make sense about what this stage is going to feel like,” she explains on Khloé Kardashian’s Khloé in Wonderland show. “Parents are under-supported and undereducated. It’s like a surgeon saying they didn’t need medical school because they had an instinct. I’d never hire them.”  

Khloé Kardashian & Becky Kennedy Break Down Parenting Myths

The biggest parenting myth: Your kids will heal you

If you’re expecting parenthood to magically resolve your childhood trauma, Dr. Becky has news for you: it doesn’t work that way. In fact, kids do the opposite—they trigger every unhealed part of your past. “Every single thing that is unhealed about your childhood acts itself out,” she explains. “The plus of that is parenthood is a time where you can become the most empowered and capable version of yourself.”

Think about it: Your kid starts whining, and you immediately feel frustrated. If that’s you, Dr. Becky says it’s important to understand that whining represents helplessness as a kid. If you grew up in a “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” household, you probably learned that showing vulnerability was dangerous. Now your child’s helplessness triggers that old fear. The solution isn’t to eliminate the triggers. It’s to do the internal work. Instead of immediately yelling or disciplining, parents can learn to regulate their emotions first, then respond with both boundaries and empathy.

Moving away from meltdowns and temper tantrums

When you set a boundary as a parent, tantrums are not only normal—they’re necessary. That is a hard, but inevitable part of the human experience. No one likes to see their kids upset, but your job as a parent isn’t to keep your child happy with you. Kids need to learn that life isn’t about constant pleasure and that they can survive disappointment. After all, a temper tantrum at 5 years old is much better than one at 25 years old.

Dr. Becky says there is a balance in parenting with setting boundaries and giving a kid what they want. Learning this balance prevents kids from becoming entitled, out-of-control adults who can’t handle hearing “no.” 

“We say, ‘My kid doesn’t listen,’ but the hard truth is, as parents, we are not setting the boundary soon enough,” Dr. Becky explains. 

Teaching emotional regulation starts with you 

Dr. Becky believes kids are innately “good inside.” They’re born with big feelings but zero tools to manage them. Your job as a parent, she says, is to teach those tools. Not through lectures or time-outs, but through modeling and practice.

“We teach kids to swim—not by lecturing them or sending them to their room, but by teaching, practice, and repetition. The same goes with emotional regulation,” she says.

To help kids regulate their emotions, you have to learn to regulate yours. Dr. Becky uses the airplane metaphor: Think about your kid as the passenger and you as the pilot. Pilots have mandated rest in order to pilot well. Nobody wants a freaked-out pilot.

In moments of disappointment, frustration, fear—turbulence—your kids are going to feel that. “What you want to hear the pilot say is, ‘We get you’re scared, and it’s going to be hard. And you are going to get to the other side,'” Dr. Becky says.

How to deal with mom guilt 

Motherhood is not martyrdom. One of the most damaging myths Dr. Becky tackles is the idea that good mothers sacrifice everything for their children. This martyr complex doesn’t serve anyone—especially not your kids. You are not supposed to self-sacrifice all the time. If you want to give your kids your best, it requires rest. 

That voice telling you you’re messing up your kids? Dr. Becky says to expect it—and then silence it: “‘This feeling is a sign that I am doing something new. But I am not doing something wrong.’ When you do this, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities.”