Relationships

5 Mind Games Narcissists Love to Play: Violet Benson’s Checklist for Spotting the Signs

October 5, 2025

man looking at reflection into piece of mirror with woman behind — Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

If you’ve ever walked away from a fight feeling like you were the problem—even though deep down you know you’re not—you might have been on the receiving end of a narcissist’s favorite pastime: manipulative mind games. On a recent episode of Almost Adulting, host Violet Benson breaks down exactly how these patterns show up, and why they can leave even the most confident person questioning their own reality.

What’s important, Benson stresses, is knowing the difference between someone with a diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder (which affects less than one percent of the population) and someone who just carries a handful of narcissistic traits. The latter? Much more common. But once you know the signs, you can spot the games quicker and save yourself from the emotional rollercoaster.

5 Classic Narcissist Tricks and How to Spot Them Fast

Here’s the breakdown—so the next time someone tries to spin your head, you’ll already know the playbook.

1. Instant soulmate vibes

Meeting someone who seems to share your brain can feel magical—same jokes, same playlists, same outlook. But as Benson explains, that spark is often just mirroring. Instead of revealing their real self, they’re reflecting you back to you.

The goal is to get you to trust quickly and overshare. “Their agenda is actually to get you to drop your guard and as quickly as possible,” Benson points out. Later, those secrets can be used to control you, win arguments, or even gossip behind your back.

2. Love bombing followed by withdrawal

At first, it feels like you’ve hit the jackpot. They’re texting nonstop, planning trips, talking about the future, showering you with compliments and gifts. But once you’re hooked, their energy suddenly shifts. The texts slow down, the affection fades, and suddenly you’re chasing the high they created in the beginning. “They give you so much attention at first, only to then completely pull the rug from under your feet,” Benson explains. You’re left wondering what you did wrong—when in reality, it’s part of their game.

3. The one-up show

Ever share good news only to feel instantly deflated? That’s the “one-up show.” Narcissists struggle to celebrate others because it threatens their spot as the main character. Benson notes they’ll either brag about something bigger, dismiss your achievement, or flat-out ignore it.

It might look like harmless competition, but it’s not. “They will always have to one-up you. That is because they believe that they’re the best,” she says. Even if they have to stretch the truth, they’ll find a way to outshine your moment. If someone consistently downplays your success or pivots the spotlight back to themselves, it’s a red flag.

4. The non-apology

You know that “apology” that somehow makes you feel like the problem? It’s a classic narcissist move. Instead of owning their behavior, they shift the blame back onto your reaction. Lines like “calm down” or “you’re overreacting” aren’t apologies—they’re deflections.

True accountability sounds like, “I’m sorry I hurt you, I’ll do better.” In a toxic relationship what you’ll hear instead is, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which really means, “your emotions are your issue, not mine.” It’s a subtle way of dodging responsibility while making you second-guess your feelings.

5. Reality warp

Gaslighting is the narcissist’s crown jewel—it leaves you questioning not just the fight, but your own memory, your sanity, even your worth. It usually starts small: little lies, small contradictions, subtle digs. Over time, those seeds of doubt snowball until you’re not sure what’s real anymore.

That’s the point. If they can get you to second-guess yourself, they gain control. “The end result of long-term gradual manipulation is a devastation of the victim,” Benson says, because you’ve been trained to believe that maybe you’re the problem. You’re not. Healthy relationships are built on trust, safety, and consistency—not power plays.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free. If someone in your life is constantly love bombing, one-upping, gaslighting, or dodging accountability, you don’t have to play along. Knowing the playbook gives you the power to walk away—and that’s the move they can’t beat.