Health & Wellness

Still Attracting Narcissists? ‘Let’s Be Honest’ Says It’s Because You Don’t Actually Love Yourself

November 7, 2025

There’s always that one person who makes your skin crawl. Maybe it’s the coworker who talks over everyone, or the friend who won’t stop playing victim, or the guy who keeps ghosting you after three perfect dates. You tell yourself they’re just toxic, but what if the reason they bother you so much has nothing to do with them and everything to do with what’s unhealed in you?

On Let’s Be Honest, host Kristin Cavallari unpacks the uncomfortable truth about triggers: they’re mirrors. After spending six years essentially alone post-divorce, she realized she kept attracting narcissists because she had zero self-love. Whether you’re stuck in the same dating pattern or constantly surrounded by chaos, this convo’s about understanding that your outer world is just reflecting your inner one back at you—and how to finally shift what you see.

Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists—And How You’re the Problem

Your life is showing you what you secretly believe about yourself

“I had zero self-love,” Cavallari admits, looking back on her long track record of dating the wrong kind of guy. “And that’s why it really makes sense to me why I attracted my whole life, the men that I did.”

She traces it back to growing up with a narcissistic father—never feeling enough, never feeling liked. That early pattern shaped how she saw herself, and by extension, the kind of love she accepted. “When you have no real self-love, you put up with a lot of shit from people across the board,” she says.

After her divorce, Cavallari says the universe gave her a crash course in solitude. “I think what the universe will do sometimes is when you need to find self-love, real self-love, it forces you to be alone,” she explains. Not the cozy, candle-lit kind of alone—the kind that makes you sit with yourself long enough to notice what you’ve been avoiding. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also where everything starts to click.

The people who trigger you the hardest are your greatest teachers

Cavallari used to hate victims. Like, couldn’t-stand-to-be-around-them hate. Then she realized why. “Growing up, I never had anyone take care of me. I was never able to not be tough. I had to be independent and grow up really fast,” she says. Watching other people be comforted, nurtured, or cared for triggered something in her—because it reflected what she never got to have.

That’s how triggers work. They aren’t random. They’re roadmaps to the parts of yourself still waiting for attention. “Triggers are our biggest clues into what we need to work on,” Cavallari explains. Maybe someone’s neediness bugs you because you’ve never let yourself depend on anyone. Maybe confidence annoys you because you still play small. Or maybe someone’s honesty feels harsh because you’ve spent years avoiding confrontation.

A Medium once told Cavallari something that reframed everything: “God only sends us angels.” Every person is showing you something about yourself. The ex who ghosted you, the boss who micromanages, the friend who overshares—they’re all mirrors for what’s unresolved inside you. “It’s actually there for a reason, to teach you something,” she says.

The real test of healing, Cavallari adds, is when nothing can shake you. “If we’re fully healed, fully healed, nothing should trigger you. Nothing.” When you can witness someone’s behavior without taking it personally, you’ve leveled up. If you still find yourself spiraling, that’s just feedback—it’s your body saying, “hey, we’ve still got work to do.”

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A post shared by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari)

How to shift what the mirror shows

If life’s just holding up a mirror, the good news is you’re the one holding the brush. You can’t control every situation, but you can control the energy you bring into it. The work starts inside—always. You can’t manifest your way out of self-doubt or journal your way past a wound you refuse to look at. You have to dig into what’s running the show underneath.

Cavallari’s own “inner work” toolkit is wide—hypnotherapy, meditation, journaling, grounding, even tea ceremonies—but the message is simple: be what you wish to seek. If you want love, start radiating it. During a recent tea ceremony, she visualized “a shimmery gold light shooting out from my heart, touching my girlfriends, touching the tea huntress, touching our neighbors, touching my kids who were at school.” That’s what she means by embodying love—becoming the source instead of chasing the supply.

The first step is awareness. Most people move through life on autopilot, reacting without realizing what they’re reacting to. Cavallari suggests setting reminders throughout the day that say: “Write down your thoughts.” What’s looping in your mind right now? Is it kind? Critical? Hopeful? You can’t rewrite what you won’t acknowledge.

Once you see it, you can redirect it. When that old “I’m fat” loop sneaks in, she cuts it off fast. “Oh my god, you look the best you ever have,” she tells herself. “If you could talk to 18-year-old Kristin and be like, ‘Look what we’re going to look when we’re 38.’ Just stop.” It feels weird at first, but that’s how rewiring works. The more often you correct the narrative, the faster it changes.

She even challenges listeners to a two-week reset. Journal a few times, meditate when you can, put your feet in the grass, practice gratitude before bed or on your morning drive. Start small. Build proof that you keep promises to yourself. Each time you do, you add to your self-worth bank.

And maybe the biggest shift of all—stop gripping so hard. “Control is a form of fear,” Cavallari says. When she finally stopped forcing outcomes and surrendered a little, life opened up. When you give up the illusion of control, you make room for better things to find you.