Violet Benson Unpacks Gaslighting, Love Bombing, and More Narcissist Tricks

We throw the word “narcissist” around a lot these days, but what does it actually look like when you’re dating one—or at least someone with those traits?

On Almost Adulting, Violet Benson pulls back the curtain on the mind games that keep people hooked, confused, and questioning their sanity. From love bombing to gaslighting, Benson explains exactly how these traits show up and why they’re so effective on others.

Why narcissists feel familiar but dangerous

We’ve all been there: dealing with someone who meets your legitimate questions with accusations that you’re being “toxic,” “crazy,” or “so insecure.” Someone who minimizes your pain, choosing instead to center the conversation around themselves and their own needs. 

This, Benson says, is the true definition of narcissism.

She’s clear that, contrary to current trends that diagnose everyone as a ”toxic narc,” this isn’t about slapping a label on everyone who hurts your feelings. Narcissistic personality disorders, which are rare and severe mental health conditions, are not the same as narcissistic tendencies, which are more common. As she explains, ”they may not be a narcissist, they may just be a total jerk.”

The important part is recognizing the behavior—because once you can see the game, you don’t have to play it.

The 5 big mind games to watch for

The episode centers on what Benson calls the five biggest tricks from the narcissist’s playbook, such as the false sense of connection, love bombing, the need to always one-up you, the fake apology, and gaslighting.

1.  False connection: “You meet someone and it feels like an instant connection with them…they’re mirroring you and they’re faking it,” Benson says. The goal is to make you feel seen and safe, only to weaponize your secrets later.
2.  Love bombing: It sounds romantic at first—constant attention, gifts, promises of a future together—but Benson warns it never lasts. “They give you so much attention at first, only to then completely pull the rug from under your feet,” she says. The cycle keeps you chasing the highs of that initial rush.
3. Always one-upping you: Narcissists can’t stand being outshone, even by the people closest to them. “They will always have to one-up you,” Benson says. That can mean dismissing your wins, comparing you to others, or making up stories just to shift the spotlight back on themselves.
4. The fake apology: “It’s important to pay attention to how someone apologizes to you,” Benson explains. A genuine apology acknowledges responsibility, while lines like “I’m sorry you feel that way” are nothing but deflection.
5. Gaslighting: The most devastating tactic. Over time, small lies pile up until you can no longer distinguish what’s real. “The end result of long-term gradual manipulation is a devastation of the victim, which potentially could be you,” Benson warns. Even the most confident person can start to doubt themselves under constant psychological pressure.

Bonus: punishment through control

As if five weren’t enough, Benson adds a bonus tactic—explosive anger when their image is challenged. She calls this one the ”Why would you do this to me?” and points out how disproportionate reactions are used to scare partners into silence. This is a form of punishment through control, where the narcissist uses their anger and manipulation to maintain power in the relationship. From silent treatment to changing the locks, these punishments are designed to train you not to question them again.

It’s a reminder that narcissistic behavior is about power, not partnership. “They wanted you to feel beneath them because that’s the only way they can feel okay about themselves,” Benson says.

Breaking the cycle

The hardest part, Benson admits, is not figuring out why narcissists act the way they do—it’s understanding why we allow them to stay in our lives. Research shows they often target people with lower self-esteem, but Benson reminds us that we always have a choice. “No one has power over you without your permission,” she says.

That doesn’t mean walking away is easy. It means recognizing that staying will hurt more in the long run than leaving ever will. “Trust me, staying with them will be so much more painful than if you walk away and suffer for like a couple of weeks until you get your heart back,” Benson says.

This episode is about empowering yourself to see the signs. Whether it’s the fake apology, the sudden withdrawal of affection, or the relentless need to one-up you, Benson makes it clear that these patterns are nothing more than strategies of control.

For anyone who has ever wondered if they’re “the crazy one,” Benson’s message lands with clarity—you’re not. You’re just dealing with someone who thrives on confusion. And the sooner you can spot the games, the sooner you can choose not to play.

Read Next

• Want to Get a Leo Obsessed with You? Try These Tips
• 10 Signs Your Parents Are Narcissists
• Gaslighters, Liars, Cheaters, and Narcissists: How to Spot a Toxic Partner
• ‘The Valley’ Star Jesse Lally Has Heard the Rumors—and He’s Setting the Record Straight