What Payton Sartain Wants You to Know About Growth in Your 30s

Adulthood doesn’t come with a syllabus, and Payton Sartain is the first to admit she’s still figuring things out. On Note to Self, the host opens up about the lessons she hasn’t mastered yet—patience, processing emotions, and finding joy without a “purpose.” Instead of waiting for all the answers, Sartain leans into what she calls the “messy middle,” sharing insights that many of us can relate to.

Her early thirties have brought new challenges but also clarity. As she puts it, “I don’t really have all the answers to these things quite yet, but that’s kind of the point.” Here are some of the biggest takeaways from her reflections—including the five lessons she’s still learning and giving herself grace to grow through.

1. Practicing patience

Patience isn’t passive—it’s a skill Sartain’s actively building. “I really need to work on practicing patience,” she says. “I am an extremely anxious person, and I’m also a perfectionist, and I want everything, and I want it right now.” It’s the perfect storm for rushing outcomes, especially in relationships.

Her real-life example with fiancé Joe Ross drives it home. When conflict pops up, Sartain admits, “I need to know the answer right now,” while Ross often needs time to process. Giving him space has changed their dynamic: “He has led great conversations and begun the conflict resolution himself.” 

To get there, she works on “reframing the urgency of things,” reminding herself “this is not an end-all.” On a bigger life scale, she’s treating this season as preparation, not purgatory. That mindset shift helps her trust that good things are on the way.

2. Reframing disappointment instead of avoiding it

Disappointment cuts deep for Sartain because, as she admits, “I love and truly deeply care for honestly so few people in my life.” When she invests in relationships or work, even small letdowns feel big. But she’s learning not to run from it but to see it differently. “Accepting disappointment is very freeing, and making room for it is very freeing,” she says. 

By allowing disappointment, she also leaves space for good surprises. As she explains, “On the other side of disappointment is like excitement and surprise by someone and being impressed by someone, I would say, or feeling special.”

3. Not believing every feeling 

Sartain is the first to admit she feels things intensely. “I am definitely one to feel things very deeply…often to the point of pain,” she says. Nostalgia, for example, isn’t comforting for her. “I think there’s supposed to be like an edge of warmth in there too with the feeling of nostalgia. People like that feeling. I hate it. I find it so physically painful.”

That realization pushed her to rethink how she relates to emotions. Instead of letting them dictate her reality, she’s practicing observation. Tools like the feelings wheel—a chart that organizes emotions in a circle from broad core feelings to specific ones—help her classify and name what she’s experiencing. 

From there, it’s about processing, something she admits doesn’t come naturally. “Processing to me has always confused me,” she says. “There is either wallowing in emotions or letting them consume you.” But learning that middle ground—naming the feeling, giving it space, and then letting it pass—is helping her build resilience. 

4. Finding joy in ‘purposeless’ things

Sartain is rethinking what it means to be productive and realizing that joy doesn’t always need a purpose. For her, that looks like elevating everyday rituals, whether it’s having coffee at home in one of her favorite mugs or keeping her space clean.

She shares a quote from author Kurt Vonnegut that recently struck her: “We’re here on Earth to fart around and of course, the computer will do us out of that. And what the computer people don’t realize or they don’t care is, we’re all dancing animals.” 

To Sartain, that’s a reminder that not everything needs to be efficient. In fact, she notices when she leans into small, analog joys—chatting with neighbors, walking her dog Winnie, or even running errands the “inconvenient” way—she feels more grounded. “I do find myself feeling a little bit more creative and a little less stressed, even though you would think that doing things more efficiently would provide me with less stress.”

5. Reclaiming sensuality without shame

For Sartain, this lesson runs deep. She reflects on her upbringing, saying, “I did come from a conservative Christian background…there was a lot of shame around sex, particularly for women.” Even though she’s challenged those beliefs, the guilt lingers. “That feeling of guilt and shame though, like never completely went away,” she says.

She’s now working on separating herself from those ingrained patterns by reconnecting with sensuality first. “I think sensuality is being connected to your senses and being very connected to life and being very alive, and that’s something that I’m working on in order to improve my connection to sexuality as well.” For her, presence and relaxation are key. “Being actually turned on outside of feeling myself and having a few drinks really requires presence from me, and it really requires me to be relaxed and to feel very connected.”

You can listen to the full conversation and more of Sartain’s reflections on Note to Self wherever you get your podcasts.

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