Want to Truly Move On From Your Ex? Stop Hooking up with Them

Love and relationships are never entirely black-and-white, and Payton Sartain is the big sister and best friend helping you navigate the messiness. On a recent episode of Note to Self, Sartain hosts another “Ask P” recording session, as she answers listeners’ questions and talks through all the messy, beautiful in-betweens of life and love. 

Sartain doesn’t hold back and dives into the advice we’ve all needed at some point—hooking up with an ex you’re not over, managing financial conflict in relationships, and moving cities for your partner’s career when you’re still building your own. While she admits that she might not always have the “correct” answer to life’s biggest questions, she always has heartfelt, thoughtful words of wisdom that you can relate to. 

Hooking up with an ex you’re not over

One Note to Self listener shared a weird situation with an ex. After dating for a year and a half, the listener and her ex broke up. That was almost a year ago, and since then, the two have been hanging out and hooking up sporadically. Although she doesn’t feel like she is being led on, the listener shares her confusion when her ex calls her “babe” or “love” or when they talk about relationships. The listener doesn’t know how to bring it up with her ex, but she does want clarification on the status of their relationship. 

Sartain’s advice is simple and straightforward—run. “I would not be in this situation,” she says. “I think everyone is different, but I would have a true breakup.”

Sartain is such a big proponent of a clean breakup because it allows you space to reflect and figure out your own feelings. “It doesn’t mean that you dislike your ex or you are not ending amicably, it just means you are taking time for yourself,” she advises. “It allows time and space so that in the muddiness of the feelings of a breakup, you can get clarity.”

Sartain encourages directness and for the listener to be clear about what she wants or doesn’t want with her ex. “Men like directness; all people value directness,” she adds. “It’s really difficult to completely f*** over someone who is being direct with you versus someone is shy and mousy. The more clear and direct you get, the more your life gets better.”

Moving cities for your partner 

Another caller asked Sartain about what it’s like to move cross-country for your partner. The listener has been with her boyfriend for a few years, and after graduating from grad school, he plans to land a job across the country in the professional sports world. Although she works remotely, the listener shares her anxiety about how her life revolves around her boyfriend’s career. 

Sartain, who is engaged to Major League Baseball player Joe Ross, knows all about moving for love. From Los Angeles to D.C. to Dallas to Milwaukee to Florida to Philadelphia, Sartain has moved several times in the last few years for her fiancé’s career, but she has been very transparent on her show about the identity crisis that moving caused. 

Sartain shares that she had to reframe her perspective of what it meant to be an independent woman. “Early on, I was afraid of looking stupid because so much of my personality was me taking care of myself and being single,” she recalls. “Appearing to be following Joe around was my worst nightmare, and people brought it up constantly.”

As an independent woman, Sartain had to do the internal work and understand why independence had become a part of her personality. “Being independent makes me feel powerful and safe,” she explains. “Independence is very important, but once I decided that Joe was my lifelong partner, I said f*** it; there are risks to everything, and love makes you look stupid sometimes.” 

She encourages people in similar situations to decide how much you are willing to deal with. “Once you acknowledge the hard realities, set yourself to deal with those things the best you can.”

Managing finances in relationships 

Managing finances with your partner can be difficult—it’s no surprise that money is consistently cited as one of leading causes of divorce. One Note to Self listener asked Sartain for her advice on how a young couple should split their finances when both work.

In Sartain’s opinion, couples should talk about finances more. She encourages the idea that splitting finances will be different for every couple. “I used to be really independent, and I didn’t want Joe to pay for things, but I don’t feel bad about myself for allowing Joe to pay for more things,” Sartain says. “I’m pretty sure that Joe is making five times more than I am this year.”

Sartain encourages all couples to figure out what works best for them when it comes to splitting finances. “What is spent in our relationship is a reflection of how much each of us makes,” she explains. “For example, if Joe makes 10 times what I make, he pays for 10 times what I pay for—that’s what works for us.”

Read Next

• It’s Okay to Start Over and Reinvent Yourself After a Breakup
• Now I Ain’t Sayin’ She’s a Gold Digger—But a Prenup is Important
• Moving Soon? Allison Kuch Has Advice After Relocating a Dozen Times With NFL Husband, Isaac Rochell