We Have Endless Options—So Why Does Love Feel So Thin Right Now?

We’ve never had more ways to connect—and yet, by most measures, we’ve never felt more alone. Dating apps promise endless options. Social media offers constant proximity. AI can simulate emotional intimacy on demand. But according to Dr. Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute and author of The Intimate Animal, something fundamental is getting lost in the shuffle.

On The Intersect with Cory Corrine, Garcia breaks down what he calls a full-blown intimacy crisis in this modern, digital age. Humans, he explains, evolved with dual drives: the desire for deep pair bonds and the desire for sexual novelty. Modern life hasn’t erased either instinct—but it’s definitely amplified the tension between them. Add in an “unlimited options” mindset, burnout, hybrid digital lives, and now AI companions, and it’s no surprise that connection feels thinner, faster, and more disposable.

Still, Garcia isn’t pessimistic. If anything, he’s remarkably hopeful. But first, we have to understand what’s actually happening beneath the swipe.

Intimacy and sex aren’t the same thing, and that’s where people get stuck

At the core of Garcia’s research is a distinction most of us were never taught to make. We tend to treat love, sex, exclusivity, and commitment as one bundled experience, but biologically and psychologically, they’re operating on different systems. “There are two parts of monogamy. We’re always talking about two different levers,” he states. The first is social monogamy; think bonding and a true relationship. It’s basically the intense romantic attachment—the deep bond—that only a small percentage of mammals form. The second is sexual desire.

Those two drives don’t always move in perfect sync. In fact, Garcia is clear that “those desires for the deep social connection with a pair bond and for sexual novelty can sometimes can often be in conflict with each other.” That conflict doesn’t mean something is broken—it just means you’re human.

The problem is that culturally, we’ve flattened those levers into one expectation. If you love someone deeply, you shouldn’t experience desire outside that bond. But that’s not how the brain evolved. Garcia points out that “when we love someone…there isn’t also tension and desire for sexual novelty, and that’s not how the human brain works.”

The ‘unlimited options’ mindset is why dating feels so disposable

Garcia isn’t convinced dating apps are the villain. What concerns him more is what abundance does to the brain. “We get on the apps, we see 1,000 people before lunchtime,” he says. That volume creates the illusion that options are endless—and if options are endless, why invest deeply in any one person?

When the brain senses an “unlimited resource,” small quirks start to feel like dealbreakers. Instead of leaning into curiosity, we default to comparison. The thinking becomes someone else won’t text like that, won’t laugh like that, won’t hold their fork like that.

Over time, that mindset makes dating feel disposable. Not because people are worse—but because attention is thinner. Garcia’s fix is simple, if uncomfortable: slow down. “If I could wave my wand, it would be that people go on more second dates.” Not because every match is destiny, but because connection often needs more than one swipe to reveal itself.

We’re ‘connected’ all day, but the connections aren’t thick enough to count as intimacy

“As a species, we are more connected than ever before,” Garcia says. We see more people, interact more often, scroll through hundreds of updates a day. On paper, connection has never been more accessible. And yet loneliness rates continue to climb.

The issue, he argues, isn’t quantity—it’s depth. “These connections aren’t deep enough. They’re not thick enough.” You can have thousands of followers, dozens of group chats, constant notifications—and still lack the kind of bond where someone truly knows you, hears you, and wants what’s best for you.

Garcia often references what researchers call the “need to belong.” Humans are social primates. We evolved for closeness, not just contact. Digital interaction is definitely better than isolation—but it can’t fully replace presence, touch, and the subtle cues our bodies read in real life.

How AI in dating can help

Garcia is cautious when it comes to AI in dating. In his research, a growing number of singles are already using AI to help craft messages, choose photos, or refine prompts. Among Gen Z, that number jumps significantly. Used thoughtfully, he sees potential benefits.

In fact, he says these tools can be useful—especially for people who feel socially anxious or unsure how to initiate connection. But he draws a clear boundary: “Think of them as training wheels.” Training wheels help you build confidence. They’re meant to support you while you learn balance. But eventually, you’re supposed to take them off.

If AI becomes the primary source of emotional processing, flirtation, or even intimacy, something shifts. Real relationships require vulnerability and awkwardness. A chatbot can simulate empathy, but it doesn’t risk anything. Oh, and most importantly, it’s not real.

To hear all of Garcia’s conversation, listen to The Intersect wherever you get your podcasts.

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