A Therapist Explains Why Sibling Dynamics Are Messy and How to Fix Your Rivalry

When psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb joined Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg on Girls Gotta Eat, she tackled one of the most common yet misunderstood family dynamics: how siblings can grow up in the same household and share the same parents yet emerge with entirely different experiences.

Whether you were the favorite child, the athlete, “the good one,” or the problem child, those labels—both spoken and unspoken from a parent—can follow you well into adulthood. 

The New York Times bestselling author and TED speaker breaks down the complex psychology behind sibling dynamics and offers a roadmap for healing childhood wounds.

Siblings Often Have Different Experiences Growing Up

Why your sibling’s childhood was different than yours

Gottlieb explains that the assumption that siblings share identical experiences is one of the biggest sources of conflict between adult brothers and sisters. “They feel like they are being gaslit, but they are not,” she explains. “They’re just having very different experiences of a similar environment.”

This happens because parents, whether intentionally or not, treat their children differently. Everyone has different experiences even in the same household. Genetics play a significant role—even with the same parents, you might have a less easygoing personality than your sibling. A sensitive child who tends to push back requires different parenting approaches, which can be challenging for parents depending on their own emotion capacity. The result? One child might remember a warm, supportive household while their sibling might recall feeling overlooked or criticized—and both memories can be accurate.

The heavy weight of being the favorite

According to Gottlieb, the topic of favoritism strikes a particularly deep chord for most adult children because it taps into questions of worth and value. “It hits something deeper—about this invisible ledger of who gets what and who was favored and valued,” Gottlieb says. 

While parents generally love all their children, Gottlieb says it’s common for parents to bond more easily with the child who reminds them of themselves or matches their expectations, even if it’s difficult for them to admit it. “Parents try to hide that, but it’s picked up very easily by the other people in the household,” Gottlieb says.

Contrary to popular belief, being the “golden child” isn’t always easier. “The golden child has a lot of pressure,” Gottlieb explains. “They deserve praise and acknowledgement. They wonder if they deserved it or earned it, and they have a lot of pressure to keep up with that.”

How parents can break the cycle

To parent from a healthy place, Gottlieb encourages parents do the work of examining the parts of themselves that’s holding onto unhealed childhood wounds or unmet dreams, desires, and wishes. “Kids are not here to make your dreams come true,” she says. “You need to get to know the child you have and embrace the child you have; separate that from whatever unhealed childhood wounds you are bringing into your parenting.”

When competition and jealousy follows you into adulthood

Adult sibling rivalry often centers around major life milestones—finding a partner, landing a dream job, buying a house. “What it is really is this feeling of, ‘I want my sibling has,’” Gottlieb says. “You are feeling bad about yourself and your own time. It’s especially poignant when it’s a sibling because you feel left behind.”

So, that competitive feeling isn’t really about your sibling. It’s about your own unmet desires and timeline anxiety. “You can hold two things at once,” she advises. “You can be happy for them and feel incredibly sad and envious at the same time.” 

From siblings to friends in adulthood

Gottlieb encourages adult siblings to have honest conversations about their family experiences—what worked well, the challenges, and even what was difficult for them about their siblings. “It opens up this beautiful adult honesty if it’s said with compassion and grace,” Gottlieb says. 

Rather than arguing over facts, focus on emotional realities. You need to make room for the fact that you had a different experience from your siblings. When you do, Gottlieb says you create room for friendship. “We are not talking about specific events, but about our emotional experiences,” she says. “Lead with ‘This is what it was like for me. What was it like for you?’”

These conversations can transform sibling relationships into healthy friendships. “That’s how you get close as adults,” Gottlieb adds. “You guys have this shared history, and no one has known you as long as your siblings have. When you can harness that as adults, there is something so beautiful about that.” 

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