Stop Begging for Crumbs: The Red Flags You’re Ignoring Because You’ve Already Wasted So Much Time, on ‘What We Said’

You’ve seen them. You’ve ignored them. You’ve even convinced yourself they’re not that bad—because you’ve already invested so much time. That’s the trap. Those tiny gut-check moments in relationships don’t magically disappear just because you’ve stuck around.

On What We Said, best friends and cohosts Jaci Marie Smith and Chelsey Jade Curtis sit down to read listeners’ wildest dating stories and call out the patterns we all need to stop normalizing. Whether you’re stuck in a situationship or deep into a long-term thing that feels off, these insights could save you years of wasted time.

The chauffeur treatment

One of the clearest red flags is when someone constantly takes your time, energy, and resources but never brings you into the actual good parts of their life. A listener shared how her high school boyfriend “would use [her] as a chauffeur for him and his friends every night,” but never invited her out.

This went on for years, with her repeatedly asking “if girls were coming” so she could join just to feel included in basic social activities. The hosts called it out right away: You’re good enough to provide services but not good enough to actually be part of the group.

“You should never have to beg,” Smith says, and “should never have to feel like you’re begging for a morsel of their time and attention.” She’s right—when someone consistently treats you like a convenience instead of a priority, it’s not love, but exploitation dressed up as a relationship.

Psychologists explain that the foundation of a healthy partnership is balance, where both people give and both people receive. That balance is called “reciprocity,” and without it, the dynamic can quickly tilt in the wrong direction. Studies from the American Psychological Association show that when one person does most of the giving, conflict increases and satisfaction fades.

Ask yourself: Do you feel like you’re part of their world, or just a convenience in it? Do you feel valued, or do you feel like you’re begging for scraps of attention? If you’re always the one driving the car—planning, paying, showing up—while they just enjoy the ride, that’s not cute. That’s one-sided, and the longer it goes on, the more it will wear you down.

The ‘sunk cost’ trap

Perhaps the most dangerous mindset keeping people in toxic relationships is what Smith identifies as “the sunk cost fallacy.” One listener admitted, “In my head, it just seemed like I invested so much time and effort on him to just let it go.”

This economic principle explains why people stay in situations that are clearly bad for them—they feel like leaving would waste all the time they’ve already invested. But as the hosts point out, staying in a relationship because you’ve already wasted three years doesn’t make sense if the alternative is wasting three more years.

The truth is, time spent realizing what you don’t want is not wasted. It is information, and it’s valuable. Think of it like tuition you’ve already paid: expensive, yes, but it comes with lessons you’re supposed to use moving forward. If you walk away and apply those lessons, the “loss” turns into growth.

‘Love bombing’ followed by impossible standards

Some red flags come disguised as grand romantic gestures. One story featured a guy who took his girlfriend to NBA games in his Mercedes and bought her an Apple Watch—classic “love bombing” behavior designed to create artificial intimacy quickly. But the mask slipped during a car ride when she asked about his biggest fears. His response? “My wife getting fat.” Not financial ruin, not losing loved ones, not personal failure. His wife’s potential weight gain was his deepest terror.

“That is like a common thing,” Smith points out. And she’s not wrong. Studies show love bombing is everywhere—over 70 percent of women and more than 60 percent of men report experiencing it in modern dating. On top of that, research finds that nearly one in five women and one in four men have received hurtful weight-related comments from a partner, which is tied to lower body image and worse relationship satisfaction.

The combo is toxic: over-the-top gifts and attention at the start, followed by impossible standards you were never told about. Real love doesn’t hinge on your weight, and genuine connection isn’t built with courtside seats or designer tech.

If you get even a whiff of love bombing, slow it down. Don’t let the shiny gifts or big nights out trick you into thinking it equals intimacy. 

Small behaviors, big character reveals

It’s easy to get swept up in the big stuff—anniversaries, trips, surprise gifts—but the truth is, the way someone treats you in everyday moments usually tells you more than any grand gesture ever could. “The little things that guys do, especially when you’re in a relationship with them, speaks volumes about their true character,” Curtis says.

Think about it. Do they pause their game or mute TikTok when you’re talking, or do they keep scrolling while you’re pouring your heart out? Do they take five seconds to rinse their dishes, or leave them in the sink for you to deal with? Do they notice when you’re stressed and step in, or do they act like it’s not their problem?

Relationship research backs this up. Studies show that the couples who last aren’t the ones buying roses every Friday—they’re the ones consistently turning toward each other in small ways, day after day. 

Want the full conversation? Tune into What We Said, streaming now wherever you get your podcasts.

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