How to Tell If It’s a Rough Patch or the Wrong Person, According to a Relationship Therapist

Conflict in any relationship is normal—but how do you know when it’s moved past the point of normalcy to a toxic space? If you have been wondering whether your relationship is just going through a rough patch or if it is time to walk away, you’re not alone. Payton Sartain, host of Note to Self, recently sat down with relationship therapist Laura Caruso to help you figure this out. 

Caruso, also the author of the upcoming book The Empathy Deficit, shares insights about love, conflict, and compatibility—from how to handle a breakup to what really happens in couples therapy. She also breaks down the difference between healthy conflict and chronic struggle, and shares tools for navigating relationships where one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant. If you are stuck in a hard place right now in your relationship—you deserve the tools and the peace of mind to make a decision from a healthy and strong place.

Healthy conflict versus chronic conflict 

If you are not fighting in your relationship, then something is probably off. It means someone is probably not sharing or being vulnerable. It might also mean that you and your partner are probably people pleasing. 

While some conflict is normal, there is a difference between conflict and struggle (aka healthy conflict versus chronic conflict). Caruso says that often the narrative we create in our minds around love is that it has to be hard. “If you are having conflict but you are able to talk through things and lay through the foundation for repair, beautiful,” she says. “But if you find that you are consistently climbing this battle, it’s not worth it. You are fighting too hard.”

It can be difficult to discern between what is healthy conflict and what has reached the point of toxicity. To know if this is just a phase or truly a mismatched relationship, it’s important to understand that there is a spectrum of conflict. If you are not having any conflict? Red flag. If you are having too much conflict? Red flag. If you are fighting about misunderstandings or when you are in a vulnerable state? That’s normal. 

Navigating relationships with different attachment styles 

A romantic match where one partner has an anxious attachment and the other has an avoidant attachment is very common. Caruso says most often, the woman is the anxious one who needs to externally process, and the man is often the avoidant who needs to internally process their emotions and thoughts.

To navigate this, Caruso says the best thing you can do is create rules and routines for your relationship. For example, you might establish a 24-hour pause or break during conflict where you come back to the conversation and talk about it tomorrow. This gives the avoidant person time to process, and it creates a sense of calm for the anxious person, knowing the time when you will revisit the topic.

Another tool when dealing with conflict between different attachment styles is to understand that not all feelings reflect reality. “Just because you are feeling an emotion doesn’t mean it is reflective of reality,” Caruso explains. “We need to be able to discern between what’s real life and what’s the story in our head.”

Relationship repair or rupture? 

How do you know if a relationship is worth working through? Caruso says that as soon as one partner gives up and doesn’t want to repair, it’s over. That is the far end of the spectrum. Also, if a couple is fighting about the same thing over and over again and things are not changing, Caruso says that’s indicative of a struggle.

One sign that a relationship might be beyond repair is when you are unable to meet each other’s needs, or you have deep, fundamental differences in values. “Conflict happens because you are tired, you had a few too many glasses of wine at dinner, or you are having little miscommunications,” she says. “Whereas struggle is when you have a difference in values or lifestyles that you are constantly rubbing up against.”

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