Why Trying to Give Kids a Stress-Free Life Might Backfire

Resilience is one of those words that sounds powerful but has slowly become a little vague. It’s often used to describe a certain kind of kid: the tough one, the gritty one, the child who somehow “bounces back” no matter what life throws their way.

But according to developmental psychologist Ann Masten, that version of resilience misses the point entirely.

After decades studying how children grow, adapt, and recover from hardship, Masten has come to a much broader understanding of what resilience actually looks like. It’s not a personality trait, and it’s definitely not about raising invincible kids.

On Raising Good Humans, host Dr. Aliza Pressman sits down with Masten to unpack the science behind resilience and the concept she’s become known for: “ordinary magic.”

The phrase captures something surprisingly hopeful. The forces helping children adapt to life’s challenges are often far more common, and far more ordinary, than we tend to think.

Resilience isn’t a personality trait

When people talk about resilience, they often describe it like an individual superpower. Some kids are naturally “strong,” the thinking goes, while others are simply more fragile.

Instead, Masten says resilience is more the capacity of a system to adapt successfully to serious challenges. That system can be a child, but it also includes the environments surrounding that child. Think of things like the relationships, institutions, and conditions that shape development.

Children don’t grow in isolation. Their ability to adapt to adversity is influenced by everything around them. Understanding resilience this way prevents us from labeling children as naturally tough or not.

Many children do better than we expect

Early studies were designed to understand why children exposed to difficult circumstances developed problems later in life. But when researchers followed groups of at-risk children over time, they noticed something surprising: many of them were doing relatively well.

So scientists began asking a different question. Not just why children struggle, but why so many manage to adapt despite adversity. Over time, those studies revealed a hopeful pattern. Humans are an adaptive species, and many of the systems that help children cope with difficulty are deeply embedded in both biology and culture.

Still, resilience isn’t unlimited. As Masten notes: “There’s no such thing as invulnerability. We’re all vulnerable.”

The goal, then, isn’t to eliminate vulnerability entirely, but to understand the conditions that help children recover and adapt.

‘Ordinary magic’ matters more than perfection

The concept Masten is best known for is what she calls “ordinary magic.” The phrase refers to the idea that many of the factors that help children overcome adversity are surprisingly ordinary.

“The idea of ordinary magic really is a recognition that some of the most powerful protective factors and processes that make it possible for a child or a parent or a family to overcome adversity are perfectly ordinary resources and relationships and opportunities,” Masten states.

Rather than dramatic interventions or perfect parenting strategies, resilience often grows out of everyday experiences. The supportive relationships we mentioned earlier. The stable routines and learning opportunities we give our kids. Even cultural traditions. They all help children build the skills they need to navigate challenges.

“It doesn’t require anything rare or exceptional to make it through,” notes Masten. For parents, that idea can be reassuring. 

Children need manageable challenges, not a stress-free life

Another important distinction Masten makes is between harmful adversity and the kinds of challenges that help children grow. In many parenting conversations today, stress is treated as something children should avoid altogether. But development doesn’t work that way.

Masten suggests thinking about many difficulties as challenges rather than harmful stress. Learning how to navigate those challenges—especially with support from adults—is part of how resilience develops. Parents, teachers, and coaches often help children through what psychologists call “scaffolding,” offering just enough guidance to help them manage a situation without solving it completely for them.

A child might work through a conflict with a friend, struggle with a difficult subject in school, or face disappointment after failing at something. But those “tough” experiences help kids gradually build confidence in their ability to handle problems.

At the same time, Masten does note that some forms of adversity—such as abuse, war, or severe instability—are simply too overwhelming and harmful for children. But when challenges are manageable and support is present, those experiences can actually strengthen a child’s ability to adapt over time.

To hear all of Masten’s insights on parenting and raising resilient children, listen to Raising Good Humans wherever you get your podcasts.

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