Health & Wellness

Feeling Weird About Sex in Your Relationship? ‘Note to Self’ Explains Why

October 1, 2025

Your partner wants to go down on you, but instead of relaxing, you’re mentally running through whether you fed the dog, if you smell okay, or calculating how much time this is going to take. Maybe sex feels like just another item on your to-do list in a long-term relationship, something you know you should want but can’t quite get into.

On Note to Self, host Payton Sartain sits down with Tara Swart, MD , PhD, a professor and sex educator, to unpack why this happens—and the word that keeps coming up is “shame.” Whether you’ve always felt uncomfortable receiving oral or you secretly judge yourself for wanting sex “too much” (or not at all), this conversation makes one thing clear: Shame doesn’t just sit in your head, it shows up in your body. And that’s why so many of us struggle to relax, even in relationships that feel safe and loving.

Sexual Shame: Feeling Weird About Sex in Your Relationship?

You probably have sexual shame

Shame is sneaky. It’s not always loud or obvious—it often hides “in the shadow,” as Swart puts it. “Shame, especially sexual shame, it’s not something that you’ll feel when you go get a coffee, something that you’ll feel when you go to the bank…but it does lurk in and come up and manifest in times that matter.”

For example, you might cringe at compliments during intimacy, or find yourself tensing up when things get spicy. Those reactions might feel random, but they’re usually rooted in early messages from family, religion, or culture about what’s “okay” or “respectable.” And according to Swart, it’s “very common.” She’s not wrong. Studies show sexual shame is everywhere, even if it looks different from person to person.

What sexual shame actually looks like

You know it’s sexual shame when the stuff that should feel good ends up stressing you out. Swart says one example is women who hate receiving oral sex. When she asks why, the root is almost always shame. “Why wouldn’t you enjoy pleasure from oral, from a partner that loves you?” she points out.

It can also show up as obsessing over smell or taste even though your partner has reassured you a million times. That anxiety has nothing to do with hygiene. It comes from all the messaging that tells you your body is somehow “wrong.” Shame also plays out in how people view their sex drive, whether it’s feeling guilty for wanting it too much or feeling broken for not wanting it enough. Either way, it creates a lose-lose situation that kills intimacy.

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How to start working through it

There’s no quick hack for unlearning shame, but there are proven tools that help. Sex education has been shown to dial down shame and turn the volume up on pleasure. “Shame is reduced when you are more educated sexually,” Swart says. This can mean reading books, listening to podcasts, watching educational YouTube videos, or consuming content from credible sources. Therapy is another option, especially modalities that focus on the body. Swart highlights practices like somatic therapy or sexological bodywork, which help people connect physical sensations with emotional safety.

Even small shifts make a difference. Talking openly with your partner about triggers, setting the mood with things that make you feel grounded, and practicing self-compassion can all help your body unlearn the tension.

The long-term relationship reality

Over time, quantity of sex matters less than quality of connection. Swart uses the phrase “erotic solutions” to describe the creative ways partners can nurture intimacy outside of penetration—things like lingering foreplay, cheeky texts between meetings, or just finding new ways to feel wanted.

The big point? Foreplay doesn’t start when you’re naked. It starts with how you talk to each other, how you show up emotionally, and the little signals of love and attraction that build all day long.

For more insights, tune into Note to Self with Payton Sartain wherever you get your podcasts.