10 Signs That Your Partner Is Controlling: Know the Warnings

There’s nothing more grounding, healing, or powerful than being in a healthy relationship. It’s like your own little safe space, a place where you feel seen, supported, and secure. On the other hand, though, when a relationship feels controlling? It slowly chips away at who you are. 

Sometimes those warning signs don’t show up flashing in neon like Kristin Cavallari talks about in THIS episode of Let’s Be Honest. Instead, they’re more like What We Said discusses in “I Can’t Believe I Dated Him.” These red flags show up quietly, gradually, and a little too far into the relationship. But when control looks a little different than what you expected, how do you know what to look for?

Today, we’re taking a page from The Wellness Process’s episode about subtle signs of an unhealthy relationship. We’ll talk about what you need to keep an eye out for, and what your next steps should be. If any of these signs of a controlling relationship hit close to home, know that you’re not alone—there are always things you can do and people you can reach out to for help.

10 Signs That Your Partner Is Controlling: Know the Warnings

A controlling partner doesn’t always scream at you and give you ultimatums. And more times than not, people think that if their partner isn’t doing those things, then it “isn’t that bad.” Here’s the truth: control can also look like constant criticism, silent treatment, and emotional manipulation. In fact, it’s everything “Top 5 Mind Games Narcissists Play” from Almost Adulting discusses. 

Unfortunately, controlling behaviors are often a subtle form of abuse—and they’re the hardest to spot. Because of this, you may be asking yourself, “Well, what does it even mean to be controlling?” Don’t worry, before we dive into our list of ways to spot a controlling partner, we’ll cover that, too. 

Before we jump in, remember that you aren’t alone. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is Available 24/7 to help. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788. You can also visit their official website for additional support and resources. 

What Does It Mean When a Person Is Controlling?

If someone is controlling in a romantic relationship, it generally means that they’re using some form of manipulation to create a power imbalance. THEY want to be the ones to call the shots—usually to make themselves feel more secure, comfortable, or in control. It all comes back to the 7 stages of trauma bonding.

These signs can look different for everyone. Sometimes they isolate you from friends, family members, and anyone who can tell that something’s off. Other times, they mask extreme jealousy as “just caring about you.” And take it from Let’s Try This Again, there’s a huge difference between isolation and solitude. 

At their core, someone who’s controlling ultimately wants to limit your freedom—whether that’s your independence, social life, appearance, or emotions. And here’s why it can be so tricky: controlling behaviors rarely show up in full force in the beginning. 

Instead, they start off as subtle comments or “harmless” requests that typically get more intense over time. At first? It may feel flattering! That “I don’t want you wearing that” comment can come off as protective. But after a while, it becomes clear that it’s definitely not from a place of love.

And we get it—when you love someone, it can be easy to make excuses. But the bottom line? A relationship should never make you feel like you’re losing yourself. For a deeper, more intimate conversation, make sure to tune into “Trigger Warning: Signs Your Relationship May Be Abusive” from We Met At Acme. 

How Do You Know If Your Partner Is Controlling?

They keep tabs on EVERYTHING. 

At first, your partner may play this off as concern. And, naturally, your response will be something like, “Aww, how sweet, they just want to know what I’m up to!” Until those check-ins feel like surveillance. 

Suddenly, it’s, “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “What time will you be back?” “Who will be there?” And if you don’t answer their phone call or text quickly enough—that’s a whole different battle. You shouldn’t feel like you have to report your EVERY single move to the person you’re dating. Listen to the hosts of That’s the Point and ask yourself: Is this toxic or tolerable?

They isolate you from your people.

Isolation is a huge manipulation tactic, and as Tell Me More discusses in THIS episode, this toxicity can be sooo sneaky. Maybe your partner always has something negative to say about your best friend. Or, maybe they act weird every time you plan a night out without them. Next thing you know, you’re canceling your plans, texting back less, and distancing yourself from your circle. 

They probably hide it under some excuse like, “Well, I just want to spend time with you.” That may sound cute, but it isn’t. “Do I Like Him or Do I Hate Myself?” from Don’t Think can be exactly what you need to hear in moments like these.  

They criticize you under the disguise of “caring.”

Let’s get one thing straight—there’s honesty and then there’s straight-up criticism. Of course, honesty is important in relationships. But if your partner is claiming to be honest while they’re really just making you feel bad about yourself? Red flag. 

We don’t mean like, “I hate the way you do laundry” kind of criticism, BTW. We mean more like… “I hate when you wear so much makeup; I just don’t want people to think you’re trying too hard.” The kind of sh*t your partner should NEVER say to you. They claim they’re trying to help you be “better,” but they’re really just shrinking you and dulling your light.

For more on behaviors like this, listen to “Wolf of Wall Street Ex-Wife on Living with a Narcissist” from Barely Filtered. Trust us, she knows a thing or two.  

They twist things until you start doubting yourself. 

When someone starts making you question your memory, judgment, and sanity, that’s gaslighting 101. Is it normal to have little disagreements in relationships? Of course. What ISN’T normal, though, is if your partner is constantly making you feel like you never know the truth. We Met At Acme breaks this down in “How to Avoid Liars, Cheaters, and Gaslighters.”

What starts as little back and forths turns into large-scale concern. You begin to question your memory, reactions, instincts, and self. And don’t forget, this isn’t simple miscommunication—it’s total emotional manipulation.

“Surviving Narcissist Abuse with Dr. Sherrie Campbell” talks all about why you should be proud AF when you escape this.  

They keep score like it’s a game.

We ALL make mistakes, it is what it is. And when you’re in a relationship, your partner is the one who often sees the worst of it. The hangry attitudes, the “We’re running late and I’m not ready yet” arguments—all normal stuff. However, in a healthy relationship, mistakes are discussed and set aside. 

A controlling partner, on the other hand, keeps a scoreboard. They’ll bring up things you did months or even YEARS ago anytime you express frustration or discomfort. Suddenly, you’re stuck in a cycle of guilt and defensiveness, trying to “even the score.” You deserve to feel taken care of, not toyed with. 

They make you feel responsible for their emotions. 

Nothing is more exhausting than feeling like you’re responsible for the way someone feels. And don’t get us wrong, this can be a natural response in a relationship. When your partner’s sad, you’re sad—that’s just called empathy. 

But when you’re dating someone controlling, their emotions aren’t just yours to bear; they’re YOUR fault. They’re insecure because of something you did, they’re angry because of something you said, it’s never-ending. It’s not your job to constantly carry the emotional baggage for two. Tune into “We Carry TOO MUCH!” to learn why this can be so harmful. 

They guilt you into things you’re not comfortable with. 

This sign is huge, and it can get serious fast. Whether it’s physical intimacy, big decisions, or everyday things, you should NEVER be guilted into saying yes. Ever. You are your own person, and you can make your own decisions. 

If someone’s trying to obtain financial control to “save you the stress?” Red flag. Making you feel bad about not being “in the mood?” Red flag. Whenever your partner begins to guilt trip you about having preferences or boundaries, that’s another form of manipulation.

To learn more about financially abusive relationships, listen to the two-part series of The Dating Detectives, starting with “Decades of Deception: Part 1.” And for more on intimacy, listen to “The Sex Talk You Never Got” from Note to Self, featuring human sexuality expert Dr. Tara.

They control the vibes of the room.

Nothing is worse than feeling like someone else’s mood dictates the way the room feels. It’s almost like when a controlling partner’s mad, you don’t even want to breathe the wrong way in fear of setting them off. When it’s just the two of you, it’s overwhelming. 

But when you’re in a group? It’s embarrassing. Someone who’s controlling thrives when the environment bounces off their mood—and it’s unfair AF. And don’t even get us started on how they’ll act if you try and ignore it. No one should have that much power over a shared space. 

Listen to what Lauryn Bosstick from The Bossticks has to say about toxic patterns and choosing the wrong partners in THIS episode.

They overstep your boundaries and then try to play it off. 

You could have boundaries about your phone, communication style, social media—they’re YOUR boundaries. But a controlling partner doesn’t care about that. Instead, they do things like open up your texts, go through your things, or show up unannounced. 

Their common excuse? “I didn’t think you’d mind,” or “I was just curious, no harm!” Based on “Narcissists & Boundaries” from Almost Adulting, this is typical behavior. Let us remind you: boundaries aren’t suggestions. If the person you’re dating has NO regard for that, it’s time to know when to walk away from a relationship. 

They make you feel smaller than them. 

Remember what we said earlier about controlling partners wanting ultimate power? This is where that comes into play. They don’t want an equal—they want to be the one in charge. This way, it’s easier to belittle you, make you feel bad about yourself, and decide the dynamic. 

They’ll try to dress up condescending comments and power plays as if they’re “only doing it because they care.” But now? You know that’s not true. If you’re always finding yourself shrinking to make someone else happy, that’s never love. Check out “Women Have Been Told to Play Small. Here’s How to Break the Habit” for a little empowerment boost.

How to Deal with a Controlling Partner

Acknowledge what’s actually happening. 

The first step is always the hardest, so have grace with yourself here. In order to acknowledge toxic people traits, you have to be willing to look at things from a different POV. It’s easy to make excuses for the people you love, but you can’t do that anymore. Not when your mental health and well-being are on the line. 

Set boundaries and stick to them.

Boundaries aren’t a subtle way to say “Hey, this is up for debate!” Don’t let your partner make you think otherwise. When you draw those clear lines in the sand, communicate the why. If they aren’t willing to respect that (or are CONSTANTLY trying to test them), that’s an instant indicator that something’s off. 

If you need help here, check out our post, “How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship.”

Stop justifying and start acting. 

There are a THOUSAND excuses for controlling behavior. “They had a bad day,” or “Things are tough at work.” However, this shouldn’t be an instant justification for getting treated like sh*t. More importantly, you don’t need a reason for wanting to be treated with love and respect. 

Reach out to someone for help.

We seriously can’t emphasize this enough—you are NOT alone in this. Talking to someone you trust can often be exactly what you need to get back that perspective you lost along the way. Reach or to a therapist, trusted friends, or family members you know will understand. These people can help you weigh your options and find the support you need (and deserve).

Know when to walk away—and that it’s okay.

Leaving a relationship can be a scary, stressful, overwhelming, or intimidating experience. Add a controlling partner into the mix, and it feels ten times worse. Know this: You’re brave, strong, and powerful. You’re ALWAYS allowed to choose yourself. “The Let Them Theory Will Change Your Life” from Almost Adulting will shift your ENTIRE perspective. 

Your story, your rules. Don’t let someone else direct the plot.

Being in a controlling relationship is hard—it’s both mentally and emotionally taxing. However, know that it isn’t your fault. Controlling people tend to hide their true colors until you’re deep into the relationship. And by that point, it’s easy to think, “Well, I’ve invested all of this time and love, I can fix this.” It’s not YOUR job to “fix” anyone—don’t let your partner make you believe otherwise. 

At Dear Media, we love, support, and stand with all victims of violence—you’re never alone here. For more on relationships, self-love, and respect, head over to the Dear Media blog. We talk ALLL about this kind of stuff—and so do our incredible podcast hosts. Also, don’t forget to treat yourself to something from the DM shop. This “Resilience” Tee feels perfect for you.