Health & Wellness

Still Friends With Your Ex? ‘Scheananigans’ Says You Might Be a Psychopath

October 23, 2025

Everyone loves to call staying friends with your ex the “mature” thing to do after a breakup, but that might actually be a red flag. Like, textbook red flag. Forget the “we’re just evolved adults” narrative—science says keeping your ex around might have less to do with emotional growth and more to do with manipulation.

On Scheananigans, host Scheana Shay and her manager Mark dive into the messy psychology behind ex-friendships, unpacking everything from why some people cling to old flames for “closure” to how others do it for clout, comfort, or control.

What the science says

“A study published in Personality and Individual Differences suggests that staying friends with an ex might not always be about maturity,” Scheana explains. “It could indicate psychopathic tendencies in some people.” Before you panic-text your therapist, let’s break down what that actually means. Researchers Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling at Oakland University surveyed hundreds of adults about their post-breakup relationships. They found that people who stay close with their exes often share what psychologists call “dark personality traits”—think selfishness, emotional manipulation, or a general lack of empathy.

“Many admitted that they kept exes around for personal gain, including access to sex, money, or information, and sometimes using charm to maintain those ties,” Scheana adds. It sounds dramatic, but it checks out. In a 2017 study, people scoring higher on narcissism and psychopathy were significantly more likely to report keeping exes close for instrumental reasons. Maybe it’s networking, maybe it’s backup attention, maybe it’s just having someone who still laughs at your jokes. Whatever the motive, it’s not exactly selfless.

That said, the study doesn’t say everyone who’s friendly with an ex is secretly a villain. Intentions matter. Later research found that many people stay friendly for more neutral motives—security, civility, or shared logistics like mutual friends or kids—and those friendships usually work out fine.

The difference between “on good terms” and “actually friends”

“I think being on good terms with an ex is different, too, than being friends with,” Scheana points out. And that’s an important distinction that gets totally lost in translation. Because “on good terms” just means you can exist in the same room—or the same digital space—without wanting to throw hands. “Actually friends” means you talk, share updates, swap gossip, and maybe even grab a bite because you want to, not because you feel guilty, nostalgic, or nosy.

Experts agree that the label “friend” gets thrown around way too easily post-breakup. Clinical psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren says most people who try to be friends too soon are still emotionally entangled. In other words, if you’re low-key still stalking their new situationship or trying to prove you’ve “won the breakup,” you’re not friends—you’re performing emotional CPR on something that should’ve been buried months ago.

And then there’s the gray area, where most ex-situations live. You’re still connected online. You see each other’s stories. Maybe you drop a like or a “haha” react now and then. But are you really friends? Or are you just not strangers anymore? Real friends talk, care, and show up; ex-friends hover, double-tap, and keep tabs.

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When it’s actually healthy and when it’s absolutely not

So now that we’ve established that not all ex-friendships are created equal, how do you figure out if yours falls into the healthy category or the psychopath category? Scheana says, “If the friendship is genuine, empathetic, and not rooted in personal benefit, it’s likely healthy rather than manipulative.” But how do you actually assess that? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Why are you still friends with this person? Be brutally honest. Is it because you genuinely enjoy their company and care about their well-being—or because it’s just… convenient? Do they still boost your ego when you need it? Do you like knowing they’re there as a backup option, just in case? Or maybe they’re connected to people (or perks) you don’t want to lose access to? If you’re keeping them around because it feeds your ego, not your peace, that’s not friendship, but emotional leftovers.
Would you be okay if they got into a serious relationship and stopped being available to you? If your answer is “well, that would suck” or you feel a twinge of jealousy at the thought, that’s your sign from the universe to log off. Genuine friends want the best for each other, even if that means less frequent contact.
Are you transparent about this friendship with your current partner? If you’re hiding texts, downplaying how often you talk, or “forgetting” to mention hangouts, that’s not a friendship—it’s a secret. And secrets are rarely innocent. Therapists recommend a no-contact reset period post-breakup to let feelings cool, then setting clear, daylight-friendly boundaries if you attempt friendship again.
Does your ex know about your current relationship? Similarly, if your ex doesn’t know you’re seeing someone, or if you’re deliberately keeping that information from them, ask yourself why.
Would you be comfortable with your current partner having the exact same relationship with their ex that you have with yours? If not, that’s called a double standard, and it usually means you know on some level that what you’re doing isn’t quite right.

Scheana’s ultimate take is pretty simple: “I have done both. And those who I was friends with, I’m on good terms with.” She acknowledges she’s been friends with exes in the past, but over time, those “friendships” naturally evolved into just being on good terms—cordial when they run into each other, but not actively in each other’s lives. And honestly? That’s probably the healthiest outcome for most people. Not cutting someone out of your life entirely (unless they were toxic, in which case, absolutely cut them out), but also not forcing a friendship that serves no one except your ego.