Stop Blaming the ‘Other Person’ When Your Partner Cheats. Here’s How to Rethink Infidelity, According to ‘Give It To Me Straight’

If you’re tempted to vilify the “other woman” while letting your partner off with a warning, rethink it. As Alexandra Madison and Jon Bouffard say on Give It To Me Straight, infidelity isn’t a group project. When a commitment is broken, accountability rests with the person who made the promise to you. Full stop.

Why we blame the wrong person when someone cheats

Around 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women admit to cheating on their spouse, according to the Institute for Family Studies. That’s roughly one in five marriages, which means if you’ve been through it, you’re far from alone—and yet, in the fallout, most of us instinctively hunt for a scapegoat outside the relationship.

Psychologists say that’s not random. Research on defensive attribution shows we blame the outsider as a way to protect ourselves. It’s easier to villainize a stranger than to face the truth that the person who promised loyalty broke it. Gender roles play a role, too, particularly in heterosexual relationships. Studies from Cardiff Metropolitan University found that women are more likely to blame the other person than their cheating partner, while men typically direct blame at the unfaithful spouse. Culture has taught us to pit women against each other instead of holding men accountable.

That’s exactly the trap one listener fell into when sharing her story. She describes how the woman her partner cheated with “knew we were together and pregnant.” Alex—who just gave birth to a baby girl—isn’t letting that slide. “Your husband knew you were pregnant!? Your husband f**king knew. Who cares what she knew?” she says. “Yes, the other woman, she’s a piece of sh*t in her own, but he is to blame.”

She’s not wrong. As experts point out, the affair partner didn’t take vows with you—your partner did. They’re the one who lied, disrespected, and risked your trust. Shifting blame might feel easier in the moment, but it only delays the accountability conversation you need to have with the person who actually betrayed you.

What it says about your partner

Studies show people who cheat once are about three times more likely to cheat again in their next relationship. That doesn’t mean everyone is doomed to repeat it, but it does show cheating is usually less about a random slip and more about how someone handles honesty and boundaries.

Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, calls infidelity a “slow betrayal.” It rarely happens overnight. The cracks start small—messages that stay private, “friendships” that become off-limits, location shares that mysteriously get turned off, and secrets that chip away at trust. Over time those cracks turn into “windows,” letting intimacy and attention leak somewhere else. By the time your partner ultimately crosses the line, it’s less about one reckless night and more about the choices they stacked along the way.

And if you’re tempted to believe someone’s “I made a mistake” apology while they’re still sliding into the same DMs? Alex is clear: “He doesn’t like you!” Jon adds, “You don’t have a family. That guy, there’s no family. It’s you and your kid.” The point lands because it cuts through the wishful thinking. Still watching each other’s stories? Still sneaking contact? That’s not remorse—it’s a backup plan.

Those choices aren’t random either. Psychologists link traits like low conscientiousness, narcissism, and “moral disengagement” (aka the mental gymnastics of “it wasn’t really cheating”) with higher odds of infidelity. Attachment style also matters. Anxious partners often chase validation outside the relationship, while avoidant ones use cheating as a messy exit strategy.

Redirect your energy where it belongs

“The fact that you even thought to waste your time on the other woman as opposed to look directly at your husband and go, ‘What the f**k are you doing?’” Alex says. “That’s where the problem lies.”

That’s the energy shift. Stop circling the rival, and put the spotlight back on the relationship you actually live in. The affair partner’s choices are gross, sure, but they’re not your problem to fix. The only person you can hold accountable is the one who broke the agreement with you.

“It’s wild that people think that the other person is even in the f**king equation,” Jon points out. “It’s your husband. It’s your partner.” If your partner refuses to cut ties, block numbers, or shut down contact, they’re showing you exactly what (and who) they prioritize. Believe them the first time.

Redirecting your energy doesn’t mean forgiving—it means putting your time, therapy money, and emotional bandwidth into what truly matters: healing yourself, making clear decisions about your future, and surrounding yourself with people who can hold the line with you.

Read Next

• How To Find Someone On Dating Apps and Prove They’re Cheating
• Les Alfred Says ‘Being Realistic’ Is Secretly Sabotaging You
• How to Forgive Yourself for Cheating