The ‘Dating Detectives’ Say Self-Defense Is Dating’s Best Kept Secret

Claudia thought she had found love. Within weeks of meeting Melissa online, she was moving across state lines, signing a lease, and even got a tattoo to prove her loyalty. But it didn’t take long before the fairy tale became a nightmare—and a cautionary tale on The Dating Detectives.

It’s also why hosts Mackenzie Fultz and Hanna Anderson encourage listeners to consider safety long before things escalate. “After doing this podcast a little bit, I was like, ‘Man, I really wish I knew self-defense,'” says Anderson, “and I think more people should.”

That’s how their Don’t Get Killed Club—a self-defense workshop where women can learn practical skills to recognize danger, set boundaries, and walk away safely—was born. As Claudia’s experience shows, knowing how to protect yourself before you become too deeply involved in a relationship to get out is the key to survival.

Why self-defense is more than just fighting

Most people picture punching and kicking when they hear the term “self-defense.” But as Anderson makes clear, that’s not necessarily the case. “It’s not about being the strongest or winning a fight,” she explains. “It’s just like, how do you gtfo basically, how do you get yourself out of situations safely? Ideally, de-escalate before anything even happens.”

Claudia’s story shows how easily boundaries get blurred when someone’s attention feels intoxicating. By the time she was financially tied up with Melissa, it was harder to walk away. That’s why these workshops matter. They reinforce that defense isn’t just physical—it’s also learning how to identify the moment when a relationship, or a date, crosses the line.

Linking red flags to real-life protection

When Claudia first arrived at Melissa’s apartment, the warning signs were already there. She describes how her apartment was empty. “There’s not a lot of food. And I’m like, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ And she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m a vegan. It’s challenging for me to find healthy food options. I’m very strict about my diet,'” Claudia recalls. At the time, it seemed like a quirk. In reality, it was one of many ways Melissa isolated and controlled her.

Claudia eventually reached a breaking point in her relationship with Melissa. She describes feeling isolated, spiraling, and even shaving her head in the middle of a mental health crisis. In an effort to escape, she told Melissa during an argument, “I’m gonna be real honest with you. I miss my ex. I don’t wanna do this with you. This is not working.”

Instead of accepting the breakup, Melissa tried to keep the relationship going, insisting, “I can heal with you” and framing Claudia as “too broken” to recognize love. Claudia recalls that her attempt at leaving “backfired,” making her doubt her own instincts.

Despite Melissa’s efforts to convince her to work it out, Claudia recognized she was trapped in a cycle of control and emotional manipulation. Her eventual way out wasn’t a single dramatic escape but a gradual process—acknowledging the red flags, reaching a point of emotional exhaustion, and deciding she couldn’t continue. That clarity is what allowed her to separate from Melissa and reclaim her independence.

That’s the overlap between Claudia’s story and the mission of the Don’t Get Killed Club: learning to spot the subtle patterns that can snowball into something dangerous. Self-defense is about refusing to ignore your instincts when something feels off.

Community matters in self-defense

The Don’t Get Killed Club isn’t happening in a vacuum. The workshops are designed to be small, social, and rooted in connection. Anderson shares, “It’s fundamental practical scenarios that I just feel so much better about,” says Anderson, “and also, I give everybody free pepper spray.”

It’s that mix of practicality and community that turns a class into something bigger. Instead of feeling like a lecture or a boot camp, it’s a way to practice life-saving skills while also connecting with women who understand their importance.

Why this matters now

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and the timing of this episode is particularly relevant. “This is a great time to really talk about it,” Fultz says. “You can protect yourself, and there are options.”

Claudia’s story isn’t unusual—too many women have been swept into relationships that start fast, look promising, and end in emotional or physical harm. The Don’t Get Killed Club offers tools that people can actually use to feel safer in their own lives.

You can sign up for the Don’t Get Killed Club’s various self-defense courses on their website.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you are not alone, and help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788 to connect with an advocate 24/7. For more resources and confidential support, visit thehotline.org.

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