Tig Notaro Tells ‘Good Enough’ the Real Secret to Parenting Is Letting Kids Struggle (A Little)

On Good Enough, hosts Natasha Leggero and Sabrina Jalees sit down with fellow comedian Tig Notaro for a conversation that swings from dry comedy to deep parenting truths in a way only these three can pull off. 

Notaro arrives joking about being barely able to “make it through the episode,” then proceeds to deliver some of the most grounded, generous reflections on marriage, raising twins, and growing up with a wild, unforgettable mother.

Tig Notaro Shares Her Parenting Wisdom on ‘Good Enough’

Below are highlights from the conversation, adapted from Good Enough.

How did you know Stephanie was the person you wanted to build a family with?

“I still feel this about Stephanie, that everything just seemed fun with her where I was just like, ‘I’d do that with you because I remember that feeling from 10 years ago.’ You’re like everything seems fun, but it did, and I still kind of feel that way. But when we first got together, Stephanie said she wanted five kids and I was like, five kids. I had only thought of like one because I’d never imagined I would ever be successful in a long-term relationship. So I just thought, well, it’s just gonna be me, you know, bringing this baby on the road. I’m gonna have to have, I’m just gonna have to have my opener, watch the baby while I’m on stage…

…We have our moments and our issues and whatever, but I would say in general, yeah, I really, really enjoy her, and I think that we talk about everything and we laugh. A lot. We laugh a lot.”

How do you keep twins from becoming a single identity?

“We never have dressed them alike or anything like that, and they get their own birthday cakes…they’re in separate classes…It’s like they’re very different already. They’re fraternal twins and it’s essentially like just two brothers were born on the same day. And, it’s so funny because people, when they hear that our sons are twins, they’ll meet them and be like, ‘How do you tell them apart?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, we just look at their faces. They’re very different. They’re very different and look different. Their interests and personalities overlap in certain areas, but in general, it’s like easy that they’re doing it already.”

How did your own childhood—especially your ‘wild’ mom—shape the parent you are?

“My mother was very wild, but in a way that you kind of look up to. I always say the way that I describe my mother is nobody on planet Earth would ever say, ‘Yeah, I think I met your mom.’ You know, it just wouldn’t have, like you would be like, ‘Whoa, she was a force that like walked in the room…’ She loved—I love awkwardness, I got that from her. She loves to make people uncomfortable. I’d have friends over to eat dinner and she’d be like, ‘Tig, I’m going to dye everyone’s mashed potatoes blue.’ And so my friend would come over, we’d be sitting there and my friend would be staring at blue mashed potatoes and be too embarrassed to ask why. And my mother, she just, she was really into pranking…

…It was hard though, there were times where I needed a mother. There were times where I needed stability, and she couldn’t really, she was definitely motherly in ways, but she was not. She wasn’t gonna sit around with my friends’ mothers unless they had that same vibe she had…

I mean, the way to sum up the way I was raised was my mother told me to tell everyone to go to hell if they had a problem with me. It was instilled in me. If I would come home, I’d be like, ‘Somebody did this,’ and she’d like, ‘Tell them to go to hell.’”

What’s your parenting philosophy on letting kids struggle—or solve their own problems?

“This is life and good luck, but you have set up this world that’s safe and loving and supportive and there they go fumbling and struggling in these different ways and you want to fix it, but that’s the worst thing you can do, I feel…At a certain point, they have to answer for themselves and they have to sort out that argument with their sibling or their friend at school…a lot of times when they’re arguing and they’re like, ‘But he said,’ and I’m like, ‘You guys really need to sort this out very quickly because if it’s not sorted, this isn’t happening, and I do not care who did what instead.”

What moment recently made you think, ‘we’re doing something right’ with your kids?

“Stephanie and I experienced the most amazing thing. And  to me, it was part of the conversation we’ve had with Max and Finn about people in need, and that people need help, and to appreciate people that wait on you or people in need on the streets or whatever. Stephanie and I would glance at each other at dinner when we’re out to eat with Max and Finn because it’s almost like they have a bit of an obsession with saying thank you. The wait staff loves it and always comment on how polite they are…

…They went on a field trip, and again, I’m fully bragging, I’m so proud of them. Downtown and each kid was supposed to be given like $15 to $25 and so we gave them each $20 and that was for them to buy tchotchkes or a snack or whatever…and one parent chaperone told us separately about each different child that Max, he had purchased tacos and he left one by somebody sleeping on the sidewalk…The guide that was showing everybody around wherever they were, my other son tipped the guide $10.”

To listen to Tig Notaro’s full conversation, check out Good Enough wherever you get your podcasts.

Read More

• Brianna LaPaglia Opens Up on ‘Live From Bed’ About the Year That Nearly Broke Her
• Tana Mongeau Revisits the Chaos That Made Her—And the Calm She’s Finally Found
• Khloé Kardashian Talks Fame, Forgiveness, and the One Boundary She Won’t Break