Why a Mom Feeling Seen and Supported Outweighs Having the Perfect Birth Plan

Deena Margolin, child behavior expert and cohost of After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings, is preparing for baby number three. After having two sons, Margolin feels cool, calm, and collected as she reaches her due date because she has learned one vital lesson—to prioritize her mental health. Margolin is not as concerned with packing the perfect hospital bag or writing out the perfect birth plan. She’s more concerned with regulating her nervous system, self-advocacy, and creating a postpartum plan that supports her—and if you’re expecting, she wants the same for you. 

In a recent episode of After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings, Margolin, along with her co-host Kristin Gallant, discusses how women can take up space in their birth and postpartum experiences. If you are pregnant, have had a child, or you know someone who is about to, you’ll want to keep reading. When it comes to pregnancy, creating a birth plan, giving birth, and postpartum, it’s not about perfection. It’s about women feeling powerful and owning their experience. 

Lessons from previous birth experiences 

For her this pregnancy, Margolin’s birth plan is less about stuff and more about her mental health. “When I was pregnant the first time, I prepared by reading books and buying nursing bras, but this time I am preparing my nervous system. Margolin says. “I am preparing to take up space and preparing to feel scared and safe.”

Margolin had an at-home birth for her first two children, but her first pregnancy was slightly traumatic because she did not feel supported by her team of caregivers. “With my first baby, everyone thought it was going to take a long time because I was a first-time mom,” Margolin recalls. “I started having my first contractions at 5:30 a.m., and in less than an hour and half, I was in active labor.” 

Margolin contacted her birth team—her midwife and doula—but they both brushed her off. “I didn’t feel heard, and I didn’t feel in control,” she recalls. “It took a few rounds of actively asking people to believe to get my birth team to come. 

After her first birth, Margolin decided to do therapy to help her process her traumatic birth experience. “It had such an impact on me,” Margolin says. “I have learned so much since then, and now I am coming into this third birth different—ready to advocate and ready to take up space.”

How to break the fear-tension-pain cycle of giving birth

Although Margolin went into her first birth confidently, because of her bad experience, she went into her second birth nervous and anxious. This time around, Margolin is working on the “fear-tension-pain” cycle. 

Margolin explains that when a woman goes into labor and she feels scared, her brain releases adrenaline and that blocks oxytocin, which is the hormone that helps labor progress and bond with your baby. “Fear actually leads to more pain, and pain leads to more fear,” she explains. “It leads to this loop, and the way we break that is through regulation—intentional grounding and breathing.”

Some practical tools you can use to break that fear-tension-pain cycle are grounding your nervous system through breathing techniques and positive affirmations. Some mantras Margolin says are, “My body is made for this,” and “Every contraction is bringing me closer to meeting my baby.” “I say those over and over, and parrot it with breathing,” Margolin adds.

The importance of self-advocacy during birth 

Ask for what you need—even if it’s uncomfortable. Margolin is going into her third birth confidently because, “I am really giving myself permission to say and do whatever I need in the moment without feeling shame or guilt about it.” 

Margolin also says it’s essential that everyone is ready to pivot from the birth plan if the mom wants to. “I remember looking at my husband during the last pregnancy and screaming, ‘Shut the f*** up!’ or “Stop touching me,’” she laughs. “But honestly it’s just about everyone being able to pivot with me and support me.”

Staying in “the zone” when your kids are present during birth

Margolin’s oldest kids, who are four years old and three years old, will be present during the birth, and she’s prepped them for what birth will look like. 

For Margolin, being up front and transparent with her kids about the birthing process is essential. “I have been really honest with age-appropriate language like, ‘Mommy might be screaming,’ or ‘Getting a baby out is a lot of hard work, and it doesn’t always feel good for moms.” 

She has also explained to her kids that she won’t be available. “I have made it really clear that I am not available, and if they have needs or they feel scared, they can go to dad or grandma,” Margolin adds. 

How to prep your partner and kids for after birth

After her first pregnancy, Margolin jokes that she and her husband were going off love and good vibes. They assumed they’d be great co-parents together and function as a team, but they faced a rude awakening. “He literally went back to work right away,” Margolin calls. “It was me with a crying, hungry baby, and I couldn’t get up to get water or food. My needs weren’t getting met, and I felt completely alone.”

For her third pregnancy, Margolin has a solid plan in place—delineating who does what and boundaries for mom. “The system really is that me and baby are the priority those early postpartum days,” she explains. “My husband is going to take time off, and I am not getting up from bed. He has to be ready to take care of the boys—wiping every butt and making all the snacks.”

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