Valerie Bertinelli Gets Honest About the Work She Didn’t Know She Had Left

Valerie Bertinelli has lived a life most people only see in headlines—from her early fame to her high-profile marriage to Eddie Van Halen, to building a second act as a bestselling author and beloved TV personality. But on The Bossticks, as she reflects on the personal experiences behind her latest book, she pulls back the curtain on her most unfiltered thoughts. 

Bertinelli is clear that her perspective has shifted through the years. Bertinelli spoke candidly about the kind of growth that doesn’t happen all at once; the kind that forces you to unlearn old patterns, question what you’ve accepted, and get honest about who you are now.

Below, the most powerful moments from the conversation, adapted from the episode.

What made this book feel more vulnerable than your previous ones?

“I didn’t plan on talking about any of this in my book, and as I was going through some of the hardest times in my entire life, which is saying a lot cause I’ve had a big life, I realized that I was really stumbling over some emotional traumas that I hadn’t yet healed. And I was letting people take advantage of me, and tolerating behavior that I never ever thought I would. And I really thought that I’d healed from and wouldn’t allow that behavior again. So, I thought I’ve just got so much more work to do. Oh shit, I got more work to do…

…But yet, it’s really exciting to do the work…and listening to ourselves and listening to our emotions because emotions are information, that this is what makes us a full, authentic, vulnerable human being and our power, like Renee Brown says, is in our vulnerability. So, that’s where I want to be.”

What emotions have taught you the most about yourself?

“Grief, anxiety, just plain sadness. Like I got in the shower this morning and I was like, why do I feel sad? What’s happening? I just could feel the sadness…and I’m in a part of my life that I’m absolutely adoring. So why am I feeling sad? Well, there’s a lot of sh*t going on…there’s a lot of stuff going on politically and publicly that is really sh*t…it’s really disturbing. It’s heavy. It’s so heavy. And anybody that’s been through any kind of sexual assault, abuse is really getting activated right now…and it’s really harmful to see that none of these men…are being held responsible for it, and it’s really disturbing.”

When did you realize you still had work to do on your boundaries?

“I realized that enough already wasn’t enough, that I…I said the words enough already, but did I really believe them? I thought I did at the time…but it changed because I had experiences…2024 is probably the worst year of my life. I had like four surgeries. I was going through some emotional crap with someone…And I had no choice but to say, ‘OK, I’m obviously…I can’t change anybody else or their behavior. I only have control over my behavior.’ So what can I do differently so I don’t feel like sh*t all the time? What is it that’s happening? What do I not have control over? What am I allowing in my life that I really shouldn’t be?

What were you allowing in your life that you wouldn’t tolerate now?

“I was letting some people shape who I was, because I wasn’t firm enough and didn’t feel strong enough in who I really know who I am now…I didn’t think I was allowing it, but I was just trying so hard to please people and trying so hard to make things OK that I allowed people to walk all over me.”

How did your perspective on your parents change over time?

“Interesting because the more, and I could only do this after they passed, which is a little unfortunate…I would love to be able to really hug my mom and my dad now and say, ‘I get it. I really get it.’ And I would do the same thing with Ed, with Wolfie, my son’s father, because I get it now. I get what trauma, how it affects the brain, how it affects our emotions, how it affects our body…I understand that they didn’t have the models that they needed to be the best people that they could be, but had they, I know they would have been. I know in their hearts they were really good people and I love them. It doesn’t stop me from being angry at my dad for cheating on my mom. I’m still angry about it, but I love him…and I know that if he knew better, he would have done better.”

Did that forgiveness impact your healing?

“Yeah, I think so…It was a big part of it, because then I realized I didn’t have to perform all that time to make them happy. I didn’t have to be the good girl. I didn’t have to make sure that everybody was happy so that I could then relax, and I don’t know if I ever relaxed my entire childhood, but I don’t know if I ever relax now either…I still have this thing where I feel like I’m on high alert, and maybe that has to do with being in the public eye since I was 12 or 15, and maybe that has to do with there’s still that people pleasing in me that I don’t want to say anything that might offend somebody, because I know we’re all different and we all go about healing or go about our lives in different ways, and I’m not here to judge anybody. I’m just trying to offer you what’s happened to me and if you can use it.”

How do you feel about your body and weight now?

“I feel like I did a lot of damage by being the spokesperson for a company that sold weight loss…and I think it’s a billion dollar industry that is dangerous. Because I think unless and until you deal with the emotions that are helping you to use alcohol or drugs or food as a process to avoid feelings…you’re not gonna get to the real heart of why you’re gaining weight…I don’t want to be obsessed with that anymore…I’m not gonna white knuckle it anymore. I’m gonna go up and down in weight…I have a couple different sizes of jeans in my closet, and I’m not embarrassed by it.”

What changed in how you see Eddie Van Halen now?

“I love him dearly. And this is to not say anything against his second wife or my second husband. I just love the father of my son that I knew since I was 20. I knew that we would never be intimate again, but he would always be one of my dearest friends, because he was just—he was Ed. He was just a huge part of my life….And near the end of his life, I could be much more compassionate…because I understand now…as long as we’re not dealing with those traumas, we’re going to use things to numb our feelings. So now that I know all this… I feel like I can just have more compassion.”

What do you remember about your relationship with Eddie in the ’80s?

“We grew up together. We got married far too young…our lives were insane. We waited 10 years to have Wolfie. We went through a lot in those 10 years—basically the ’80s, which I don’t remember too much of between the drugs and the alcohol. It was fun. You know what? I’m not gonna lie, it was a lot of fun…but I would never—I would not do it again. I’ve done it. I don’t need to do it anymore.”

What is it like watching your son Wolfgang perform?

“My jaw drops when I watch Wolfie on stage. He’s just phenomenal…Some of my favorite moments are sitting in 5150 watching Wolfie create his records with his team. He’s—it’s just…I’m like, that’s my son.”

What advice would you give to people pursuing a career in the public eye?

“Don’t believe the good and don’t believe the bad. Don’t believe any press…you must find your center in yourself and you must ground yourself. And I didn’t learn that until the last few years—that I was not gonna amount to really anything emotionally until I let go of how people perceived me. Now I can watch somebody literally write months and months of lies about me and be like, ‘Oh, isn’t that interesting?’ Doesn’t change who I am though. It’s just their perception of me…doesn’t mean it’s true.”

What are you looking for in a partner now?

“I want somebody that calms me, that reciprocates what I give. I like the idea of a big burly guy with a beard and a guitar. I don’t know if I could do a musician again. Been there, done that…It would be nice if he had a job because I’ve dated men without jobs and that’s not fun. And I’m not here to judge…After what I’ve been through and the amount of money that I’ve had to put out, please have a job, or at least a retirement fund…I want to know what your interests are. It gives us something to talk about, like what do you do for fun? What do you do that confuses you, what do you do that challenges you? I just want interesting people, I don’t want to be stressed.” 

How do you define spirituality at this stage in your life?

“Making a connection with some sort of higher power, universe, God—whatever you want to call it. I was raised Catholic. I don’t necessarily believe in organized religion. I think it’s used more as a power play…It’s just looking for the goodness, the positivity in the world, because it’s always there. Finding the gratitude—it’s always there…

…It’s just finding that peace within us…we are all connected in some way. It’s all energy, and that energy is what you put out in the world. And the more positive energy you put out…the more positive energy there is.”

To hear Valerie Bertinelli’s full conversation, listen to The Bossticks wherever you get your podcasts.

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