Valerie Bertinelli Says Old Patterns Don’t Just Go Away—Even After Healing

Valerie Bertinelli thought she had already done the work.

After years of therapy, reflection, and writing openly about her life, the actress and bestselling author believed she had moved through the hardest parts of her healing journey. But as she shared on The Bossticks, life has a way of proving otherwise, especially when old patterns show up in new situations.

Instead of seeing that as failure, Bertinelli now views it as something else entirely: a deeper layer of growth. The kind that forces you to question what you’ve accepted, how you’ve shown up, and whether you’re actually living in alignment with what you’ve learned.

She realized ‘enough’ wasn’t enough—and old patterns were still there

The turning point for Bertinelli came when she noticed a gap between what she believed she had worked through and how she was actually showing up in her life. She had already told herself “enough,” but found herself in situations that felt familiar—still tolerating behavior she thought she had moved past: “I realized that enough already wasn’t enough…I said the words enough already, but did I really believe them?”

That realization forced her to look closer at the patterns she thought were behind her. “I was really stumbling over some emotional traumas that I hadn’t yet healed… and tolerating behavior that I never ever thought I would,” she says.

Seeing it clearly in real time changed how she approached it. Instead of brushing it off, she recognized it for what it was—and understood that growth sometimes means facing the same lesson again, just in a different form.

People-pleasing was still running the show

Even after years of self-reflection, Bertinelli realized how much of her behavior was still shaped by a need to keep the peace. She wasn’t consciously choosing it—it showed up in small, familiar ways, like over-accommodating others or trying to smooth things over before conflict could even happen. “I was just trying so hard to please people and trying so hard to make things OK that I allowed people to walk all over me,” she recalls.

That made it way harder to hold boundaries, especially in moments where speaking up felt uncomfortable. Recognizing it for what it was gave her a clearer understanding of how deeply ingrained the pattern had been, and why it took more than awareness to actually change it.

You can’t change other people—only your response

Once Bertinelli stopped expecting other people to behave differently, everything changed. That mindset had kept her stuck, waiting for change that wasn’t hers to control. “I can’t change anybody else or their behavior. I only have control over my behavior,” she says.

Once she accepted that, her focus became more direct. Instead of trying to fix the situation or manage someone else’s actions, she started asking herself what she could do differently to protect her own peace. “So what can I do differently so I don’t feel like sh*t all the time? What is it that’s happening? What do I not have control over? What am I allowing in my life that I really shouldn’t be?” she remembers asking herself.

And that gave her a sense of ownership she didn’t have before. Power rooted in her choices, not someone else’s.

Healing doesn’t happen once—sometimes it means starting over

The idea that you can “finish” healing didn’t hold up when life kept presenting the same challenges in new ways. Instead of seeing that as a setback, Bertinelli began to understand it as part of the process. Growth, for her, hasn’t been linear or one-and-done—it’s required revisiting the same lessons with more awareness each time.

“I thought I did at the time…but it changed because I had experiences…2024 is probably the worst year of my life,” she recalls.

That period forced her to confront what still needed attention. Rather than viewing it as failure, she recognized it as an opportunity to approach things differently—with clearer boundaries, stronger self-awareness, and a willingness to keep doing the work.

To hear all of Bertinelli’s conversation, listen to The Bossticks wherever you get your podcasts.

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