Wedding Rules Are Dead—Here Are 5 Traditions to Ditch and What We’re Doing Instead, According to ‘Note to Self’

You know that moment when you’re knee-deep in wedding planning feeling overwhelmed by all the “must-haves” and “traditions” that don’t feel like you at all? The white dress, the stiff ceremony, the awkward receiving line—and then public vows? Hard pass. 

Here’s what no one tells you: Those “rules” were written by people who aren’t you, for weddings that aren’t yours, in a time that isn’t now.

On Note to Self, host Payton Sartain sits down with Jaleigh Friend, founder of The Friend Club and wedding industry expert, to demolish every outdated wedding rule that’s making modern couples miserable. Through honest conversation about Sartain’s own wedding planning journey—which according to PEOPLE, will kick off in November—they reveal which traditions you can absolutely ditch without the world ending.

You don’t have to have a long, formal ceremony

For years, ceremonies were expected to stretch 30 to 45 minutes with layers of readings, prayers, and processions, but Sartain isn’t interested in keeping people glued to their chairs. “Our ceremony is going to be six seconds long,” she says, adding that because she and her fiancé, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Joe Ross, aren’t religious, they’re skipping that component altogether.

She’s not alone. Most modern couples keep it short (think 15 to 30 minutes) yet the pressure to pad the timeline with traditions you don’t even care about can make the whole thing feel like a performance. Research shows secular ceremonies are often wrapped up in under 20 minutes, while religious ones can stretch past an hour. So if you’re not into the pomp and circumstance, you’re well within the norm to cut it down.

Your vows don’t have to be public

Who decided your most intimate promises had to be performed in front of everyone you know? The idea that vows need to double as entertainment for your guests is actually kind of bizarre when you stop and think about it. Sartain gets it. She and Ross are planning to do theirs “over coffee in the morning.” According to her, that’s one of their special times together, so it “felt more like us.” She admits she worried at first—“If I don’t do my vows to him in front of everyone, are people going to think I don’t like him?”—but then she realized that’s the trap: caring more about how your wedding looks to others than how it feels to you.

Turns out, she’s just saying out loud what a ton of brides are already thinking. Zola’s 2025 trend report calls private vows one of the biggest “ins” of the year. Couples are ditching the stage fright and choosing to keep their words private, whether that’s whispering them over takeout, scribbling them on a napkin, or saving them for the Uber home.

You can drink before the ceremony

You can serve alcohol whenever you want at your own party. Yet somehow, the wedding industry has convinced us that cocktails must wait until after the ceremony, creating this artificial timeline that serves no one. “I want cocktails before the ceremony,” Sartain says. “No one needs to be sober watching me say my ‘I do’s.’” When vendors pushed back with their usual “we don’t normally do it that way,” she kept asking, “but can you do that?”

The resistance to pre-ceremony cocktails isn’t about logistics but control. Traditional wedding timelines keep guests sober and serious for the “important part,” but what if your important part is everyone being relaxed and having fun? Weddings are parties. Parties have drinks. The ceremony is part of your party. Do the math.

Formal receptions are optional

The sit-down dinner with assigned seating and multiple courses has become the default wedding reception, but who said that’s the only way to celebrate? Sartain’s doing “black tie with a buffet, which allegedly [is] not the right thing to do, but I don’t want people having to sit at their chair for too long.” That flips one of the biggest reception myths—the idea that formality equals quality. Think about your best parties. Were they the ones where you sat in assigned seats eating predetermined meals, or the ones where you could move around, mingle, and eat what you wanted?

The formal reception format was designed when weddings were more about displaying family status than celebrating love. Modern couples are choosing interactive experiences (think food trucks, cocktail parties, family-style dinners, even pizza and dancing). The goal is creating an atmosphere where your guests genuinely enjoy themselves, not where they perform “wedding guest” for four hours.

You don’t owe anyone an invitation

The guest list is where wedding planning gets really toxic, with families pressuring couples to invite distant relatives or “family friends” the couple has never met. But the truth is your wedding isn’t a family reunion or a networking event. “If I think someone is going to embarrass me or make Joe’s family uncomfortable, they’re not coming to my wedding,” Sartain tells Friend. She even kept her bachelorette party to just her closest gal pals, prioritizing authenticity over obligation—and she’s hardly a unicorn. According to The Knot, the average wedding in 2024 had about 116 guests, down from around 130 before the pandemic. 

If you’re trimming your list, start with your ride-or-dies. Your “must have” people who you want belly laughs with, who show up no matter what. Let the rest be the extras, and if some feelings get hurt, that’s okay. They’ll get over it. Your wedding, your rules.

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