What Are Self-Sabotaging Relationships? A Guide to Growth

Relationships are complex—and anyone who says they’re not is lying. Sorry, not sorry! They’re exciting, emotionally enriching, and passionate, of course. But they’re also challenging, unpredictable, and sometimes, overwhelming. Essentially, exactly what THIS episode of The Art of Being Well talks about. But it makes sense, right? 

Two people come together with different love languages, attachment styles, anndddd… unconscious behaviors that can potentially sabotage the relationship. And, dare we say that nearly everybody has them? Some people push their partner away, some emotionally shut down—it happens. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t toxic and strenuous. 

So, maybe you’re the one with the self-sabotaging behaviors. Or, maybe your partner is! Either way, we’re here to the rescue. Today, we’re talking ALL about what it means to self-sabotage. And, of course, we won’t leave you high and dry without tips for how to stop doing it.

Turn on “Practical Tips for Managing Emotions, Setting Boundaries, and Deepening Relationships” from Life with Marianna, get cozy, and let’s heal those wounds together.

What Are Self-Sabotaging Relationships? A Guide to Growth

A self-sabotaging relationship is basically when you (or sometimes both of you) get in your own way… over, and over, and over again. It’s essentially everything Tony Robbins discusses in THIS episode of The Bossticks. And it’s not that you don’t want things to work—quite the opposite! You actually want it to work so bad that the little mini-you in your brain is basically in full-on freakout mode. 

Red lights flashing, sirens blaring, “I’m scared of being vulnerable” on a loop 24/7—the whole shabang. Because the truth is, the fear of getting hurt is a HUGE driving force behind self-sabotaging behaviors. And it’s why we LOVE the “Jay Shetty on Mastering Your Mind & Opening Your Heart” episode from Transform. That said… It’s not the only reason. 

It could also be from a fear of intimacy, past trauma, poor mental health—we’ll get to ALL the reasons in a sec. Here’s the thing to remember: it’s so common. Seriously. You’re not the only one standing in your own way, and you’re definitely not the only one with destructive behaviors. 

However, you know we’re gonna tell it like it is: these behaviors can seriously chip away at the relationship if left unchecked. Whether it’s you or your partner. So, first, let’s talk about what self-sabotaging looks like in a relationship. 

Then, don’t worry—we’ll get to the juicy tips on how to stop the self-sabotage charade later.

What Does Self-Sabotaging in a Relationship Look Like?

Constant Overthinking and Anxiety

If you ever have to ask yourself, “Am I trusting my gut or self-sabotaging?”, that’s your first sign right there. Constant overthinking and anxiety will negatively impact things long-term. As far as what it looks like, think: obsessing over “what-ifs,” constant reassurance-seeking, and analyzing everything.

It creates tension! And conflict, and distance, and misinterpretation—need we go on? Catch it early so you can course-correct. And listen to “Do It Scared” from Don’t Think while you’re at it—it’s the boost of encouragement we all need.

Pushing Your Partner Away Unintentionally

Distance doesn’t always mean disinterest. Sometimes it’s just a projection of deeper fears—vulnerability, abandonment, or even low self-worth. And, chances are, that distance is (ironically) the last thing that person wants. 

Nonetheless, this will inevitably lead to issues further down the road. Recognizing the signs early can help you communicate instead of pulling away. 

Avoiding Vulnerability

We mentioned it above, and we’re mentioning it again—because it’s that important. If you (or your partner) totally avoid vulnerability? That sacrifices a healthy relationship for a defense mechanism.

And this comes with no judgment—opening up IS hard! But unresolved issues build resentment. Learning to face conflict prevents tiny problems from becoming break-up-worthy arguments. 

For a boost of encouragement, listen to “Gabrielle Union on Embracing Vulnerability, Moving Through Creative Blocks, and No Longer Going 50/50” from She’s So Lucky. It’s an episode dedicated to all those who NEED the wisdom to let their vulnerable side show a little more.

Creating Conflict Over Nothing

Feel like you or your partner is always making something out of nothing? That’s one red flag that can’t be ignored. And we’re not talking about like… “What’s your view on marriage and kids?” 

We mean fights over minor inconveniences, misinterpreting neutral comments and blowing up over them, or ALWAYS reacting on the defensive. These patterns lead to a lack of trust and slowly eat away at emotional safety.

Ignoring Red Flags or Repeating Toxic Patterns

Ever find yourself brushing things off that you’d tell your friends to run far and fast from? That’s an extremely subtle (but serious) form of self-sabotage. When you start ignoring red flags and repeating old toxic patterns, you set the relationship up for the outcome you’re scared of. 

And, you know where we’re going with this… you’re letting this define how you think of yourself. Spot these patterns ASAP so you can break that cycle and thrive like you deserve to.

Also, listen to “Do I Like Him or Do I Hate Myself?” from Don’t Think. If you can’t spot the signs, Carla Benzanson will do it for you (with love!).

Why Do People Self-Sabotage Their Relationships?

So, now you know what self-sabotaging looks like, you’re probably wondering what can lead to self-sabotage. There’s, unsurprisingly, SO many reasons—but we’ll name a few of the top ones:

Fear of Getting Hurt or Rejection

Have you listened to “The Anxious Avoidant Trap” from Almost Adulting? Because if you haven’t, this episode basically sums up everyone terrified of getting hurt or rejected. On one end, you have the partner who subconsciously creates conflict. (AKA, what we mentioned above.) On the other hand, you have someone who will avoid conflict at ALL costs. 

Both are coping mechanisms, and both are forms of self-sabotage. 

In this case, though, avoidant personalities are so deeply scared of pain, vulnerability, or abandonment that they’ll “jump ship” to avoid it. That can look like cheating, lying, or trying to control the situation. Whatever the behavior, the intention is the same: to protect themselves before someone has a chance to hurt them.

Low Self-Esteem

Someone who has low self-esteem, ultimately, will never feel like they’re deserving of a healthy relationship. So, instead of giving someone else the power to hurt their feelings? They’ll be the ones to create the problems—basically guaranteeing the outcome they feared.

That “I knew this was gonna happen anyway” mindset is a classic sign of self-sabotage. It reinforces those negative beliefs, protects them from emotional vulnerability, and, ironically, prevents them from the love they know they want. This is exactly how toxic patterns form.

Don’t worry, though, Real Pod’s got just the thing you need. Tune into “Listen to This If You’re Craving a Deeper Relationship with Yourself, featuring Self-Connection Specialist Jacq Gould.” You might just find that rock bottom is the turning point for purpose. 

Unresolved Emotional Baggage

Old wounds run deep, and they may not even show up UNTIL someone’s in a relationship. Take the fear of abandonment, for example. Things get tense, the relationship feels shaky, and emotions are high. So, what does one partner do? Begin looking for an “exit strategy.” 

Their mindset becomes “This is doomed, anyway. I should probably leave before I get left.” And THAT’S where miscommunication crawls up from the depths and self-sabotage sneaks in. Instead of talking it out and clearing the air, they make up their mind and move on.

“How to Make Peace with Your Past and Move Forward with Power ft. Nia Sioux” from She’s So Lucky is exactly what you need to listen to. This episode is all about reclaiming your story on your own terms—and turning it into a source of resilience.

Desire to Control Outcomes

Here’s the thing: it’s not uncommon for someone who’s experienced loss to want to control things around them. They lost something once, and they never want to feel that powerless again. Does that make the behavior healthy? Of course not!

However, it’s generally not the kind of behavior we discussed in “Signs That Your Partner Is Controlling.” Instead, in their mind, that control feels like protection. The more they can manipulate, the less someone can blindside them. The problem with this? 

That micromanagement and overanalysis become exhausting. In this case, we can’t recommend “From Homeless to Healed: How Jewel Broke Free from Pain to Pursue a Life of Happiness & Purpose” enough. This episode of Real Pod shares insights on how to transform a victim complex into strength.

Habitual Patterns

Unless someone actively puts in the work to change a behavior, it’s not going anyyywhereee. Unfortunately, patterns don’t magically fix themselves, and they can manifest in a number of ways. Just take it from “Why You Keep Repeating Old Patterns (And How to Finally Break Free)” from Dear Gabby.

Pushing your partner away when things get hard, repeated overthinking, or falling back into old arguments—all self-sabotaging behaviors. Before you know it, you’re dealing with the classic “same-old, same-old” thing. Same misunderstandings, same arguments, even more distance. 

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships

Last, but certainly not least, let’s talk about how to stop self-sabotage in its tracks. The sooner you rein it in, the quicker you can experience healthy, fulfilling relationships. Here are our top tips: 

Increase your self-awareness through reflection or journaling.

In order to connect with your inner thoughts and feelings, you have to be willing to dive deep. To really sit with yourself, take a step back, and call things for what they are. The best way to do this? Meditate, journal, and practice daily mindfulness. Oh, and listen to “What I Had to Leave Behind to Gain Peace” from Note to Self.

It’s easy to think about how you feel when emotions are high. But the real change happens when you sit down, examine your behaviors, and create a plan of action. Want a few go-to resources? Check out “What to Think About When Meditating” and “How to Journal for Mental Health.”

Set and maintain healthy boundaries—with yourself and others.

You can set boundaries in a relationship without being controlling. And, in fact, you should. Boundaries are your way to decipher between “this is fine” and “you’ve crossed the line.” Whether you’re navigating your emotions or your partners, boundaries help you stay grounded in what feels good. 

Remember: they’re not walls to keep someone out—that’s the OPPOSITE of what we wanna do here. Instead, they’re like… a pretty garden fence. They’re designed to protect your peace, define the space where you feel safe, and ensure your needs aren’t overlooked.

Listen to “Feeling Happy? Don’t Tell Your Friends” from Almost Adulting. The queen, Violet Benson, explains why emotional boundaries are essential for protecting your well-being—even from those you love.

Practice open and honest communication (even when it feels hard).

At the core of self-sabotaging in relationships lies miscommunication. Someone in the relationship isn’t communicating their true thoughts, feelings, or fears, and it’s leading to total chaos. There’s only one way to fix this: talk about it. And not surface-level convos, but the kind of communication that THIS episode of Everything Is the Best talks about.

We know, easier said than done. But someone can’t know why the vibes are off (or how to fix it) if they don’t even know what’s going on. Practice by starting small! Try something like… “Hey, I notice when we fight, you pull away. It makes me feel totally out of the loop. How can we fix this?”

Or, if you’re the one pulling away, try “I realize that whenever we argue, I really struggle with pulling away to protect my feelings.” From there, your partner can recognize behaviors, and you can work together to fix them. It’s you two versus the problem, not vice versa!

Address past trauma.

Like we mentioned earlier, trauma can really linger until the worst possible time. AKA, you’re in the healthiest relationship of your life, but you’re still weighed down by things from the past. First off, this is totally normal. Second, you can change this. 

As soon as you recognize that reaction, figure out the root cause. Maybe it’s from childhood trauma, or maybe it’s from a bad relationship in the past. Whatever you’re dealing with, communicate with your partner and realize you’re not alone. 

Also, tune into “Body First Healing with Britt Piper: How to Get Unstuck & Recover from Trauma with Somatic Healing.” This episode of The Balanced Blonde shares essential steps for creating a new baseline of safety, presence, and purpose.

Prioritize personal growth alongside the relationship.

As important as it is to evolve with your partner, you also have to evolve with yourself. Don’t forget that this is your first time living, too. You’ll grow, adapt, change, adjust—you’re constantly on the journey to meeting a newer and improved you.

So, foster that! Prioritize personal growth by challenging yourself to break toxic patterns, recognizing harmful habits, and creating a game plan for growth. When you want something bad enough, nothing can stand in your way. 

“Building a Better Mindset” from Transform basically creates your mindset toolbox for you. You’ll have to listen in for all the juicy details. 

Don’t let self-sabotage ruin your chances at finding “the one.” Use these signs, tips, and how-to steps to heal yourself AND your love life!

When you engage in behaviors that sabotage you, your relationship, or your chances at a healthy, fulfilling love, you’re planting cracks in the foundation before the house is even built. Instead of letting life guide you where you’re supposed to be, you’re grabbing the reins. And you’re creating a sh*t storm (we say with total love). SO, realize that you deserve healthy, enriching, “I can’t believe this is my life” love—no questions asked.

Want more of where this came from? Head to the Dear Media blog, where you can find posts like… 

• How to Spot a Narcissist Early in a Relationship
• Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable
• Questions to Ask Your Partner About Yourself

Don’t stop there, though! You have to check out all of our incredible podcast hosts, who never shy away from giving us real, raw, and unfiltered advice. (That we could all use to hear.) And, finally, make sure you stay updated with the DM Shop! The “It’s Couture Honey” graphic tee is a HOOOTTT commodity—don’t miss out.