What Is Emotional Intelligence in a Relationship? Why It Matters

There are so many things that can make or break a relationship, and emotional intelligence is definitely one of them. But for something SO important, it’s surprisingly easy to leave off your dating checklist. For most of us, we’re looking for the big green flags—healthy communication styles, loyalty, respect—the list goes on. Let us be the ones to tell you: emotional intelligence matters JUST as much. 

It’s not just about understanding other people and relating to them on a surface level. Instead, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. The result is deeper intimacy, better conflict resolution, and more satisfaction. Basically, just like We Met At Acme discusses, it’s the difference between a relationship and a true partnership.  

But we’re not born emotionally intelligent—it’s something we learn, develop, and enhance. So, how do you become emotionally intelligent? And why does it matter for a relationship? You’re in luck, because that’s exactly what we’re talking about today. 

What Is Emotional Intelligence in a Relationship? Why It Matters

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions, while also being aware of and responsive to the emotions of others. When you understand your own and someone else’s emotions, you can use that to guide your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Easy enough, right? Wrong.

You’d be surprised at how many people actually can’t manage their emotions effectively. But before you spiral down the “How to spot characteristics of a narcissist in a relationship” Google search rabbit hole, don’t stress just yet. Remember what we said! We aren’t magically given emotional intelligence—it takes serious effort to develop it.

Looking for a quick how-to guide? “Emotional Intelligence: Practical Tips for Managing Emotions, Setting Boundaries, and Deepening Relationships for a More Fulfilling Life with Dr. Elisabeth Crain” from Life with Marianna is an easy recommendation. If you wanna dig a little deeper, stick with us—you’re about to learn a LOT.

What Is the Key Element of Emotional Intelligence in Relationships?

The term “emotional intelligence” was technically coined in 1990 by Peter Salovey and John Mayer (not that one). However, psychologist Daniel Goleman wrote Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ in 1995 and totally shifted things. Pay attention, we’re about to get science-y in this b*tch. 

Instead of focusing on one key component, Goleman says that there are actually levels of emotional intelligence, including:

• Self-awareness: The ability to recognize your own thoughts, emotions, and beliefs, and understand how they shape your behavior. The Dream Bigger Podcast actually has an incredibly insightful episode about this! Check out Siff’s episode with Jacq Gould on building self-trust.

• Self-regulation: The ability to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in a healthy, intentional way rather than acting on impulse.

• Motivation: The internal desire to achieve, improve, or persist towards a goal. (Here are daily affirmations for motivation if you’re in the market for a little inspo!)

• Empathy: Recognizing, understanding, and sharing the emotions or perspectives of others. Of course, we already talked all about this. Check out “Why Is Empathy Important in a Relationship?” You can also listen to “You Have Selective Empathy” for a deeper understanding of this super important topic!

• Social skills: The ability to communicate clearly, listen actively, and interact with others in a way that builds trust and connection. 

See why it’s important not to be hard on yourself if you struggle with emotional intelligence? It’s not a basic awareness of your emotions or simple emotional regulation. (That’d be too easy, right?) Instead, it’s a blend of key skills that work together to shape how you understand yourself, relate to others, and show up in your relationships.

Don’t stop here! We actually feature Goleman’s book in our post, “Best Books on Emotional Intelligence.” 

How Does Emotional Intelligence Affect Relationships?

Improves Communication Without Escalation

Navigating social situations can feel like risky business—especially with a partner. Maybe you’re reading their tone wrong, or maybe you’re missing their “let’s LEAVE” eyes from across the room. Over time, that constant lack of communication can feel like a weight rather than a misunderstanding. 

It doesn’t have to feel like “Is There ‘The One’ or Are We All Settling?” from Don’t Think. Don’t dive that deep just yet. Emotional intelligence allows you and your partner to understand each other on a deeper level beyond what’s being said aloud. That kind of understanding translates into everyaspect of a relationship.

Strengthens Emotional Safety and Trust

Ultimately, we all just want to feel safe in our relationship. And it’s true, safety can look different for everyone. But it all comes down to one thing: emotional intelligence. It’s what allows both partners to show up authentically, knowing their emotions will be heard and seen—not weaponized. 

Not only does this make you feel safe, but it also builds trust. You know your partner will respond with care and consideration of your feelings, even when conversations areuncomfortable. Start this new era of your relationship off with “Vulnerable Questions to Ask Your Partner!” It’s a great way to open up, learn more about each other, and foster emotional intelligence. 

Reduces Conflict (and Shortens Recovery Time)

Girls Gotta Eat featured an episode titled “How Much Are Couples Actually Fighting (and Why?),” and we really started thinking. There are a million-and-one reasons couples don’t get along. However, there are only a few reasons why disagreements turn into total disconnect. You get where we’re going with this. 

When both partners have strong emotional intelligence, relationships flourish, thrive, and bounce back after conflicts. You’re able to understand that, typically, anger is a secondary emotion. Instead of fighting fire with fire, you can de-escalate, empathize, and communicate effectively. Because, just like “It’s Not About the Lamb Chops” talks about, arguments are rarely surface-level.

Increases Empathy and Emotional Awareness

Empathy’s a key component in any healthy relationship—but especially a romantic one. It’s the difference between offering blanket apologies and sincere understanding. And with emotional intelligence, acknowledging your partner’s feelings doesn’t feel like a chore; it feels like a responsibility.

You’re not trying to understand their perspective to get defensive or fight back. Instead, you realize that to show your partner you truly value and respect them, you HAVE to feel their feelings. (In moderation, OBVI.) It’s a silent form of social awareness that speaks volumes about effort.

Tune into “How to Validate ANYONE, the Secret to Healthy Relationships – Dr. Caroline Fleck” from The Gabby Reece Show. The episode focuses on the six ladders of validation, and each matters for improving relationships. 

Creates More Secure, Balanced Partnerships

Here’s what it all comes down to: emotional intelligence creates more secure relationships. Mental health is better, communication is stronger, conflicts are resolved more quickly, and things don’t feel so… heavy. You’re committing to understand yourself and your partner—every single day. 

Well with Arielle Lorre actually discusses this in “Cheating, Compromise, & the Myth of 50/50 Love with Nina Westbrook.” Because emotional intelligence isn’t about tolerating poor behavior. It’s about navigating conflict in a healthy, balanced way.

How to Become Emotionally Intelligent in a Relationship

Practice Emotional Self-Awareness

Before you can understand someone else’s emotions, you have to understand your own. We don’t make the rules. Take the time to fall in love with yourself, get to know your triggers, and learn how you react under stress. 

Fortunately, there are so many ways to do this. In overwhelming situations, grab your “Promises to Myself” journal and write down how you feel. Or sit in a calm, quiet space and practice 5-minute meditations. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s to recognize, label, and understand your emotions as they happen.

Don’t know how to meditate? Listen to “Deepak Chopra on How to Cultivate Inner Peace, Achieve Genuine Happiness, & Heal Your Nervous System” from The Bossticks. This trio talks all about how important—and life-changing—a few minutes of meditation can be.

Learn to Regulate Emotions—Not Suppress Them

Of course, it’s easier to suppress emotions than feel them. Nobody likes feeling bad. But the more you do that, the more you become a ticking time bomb. As Dear Gabby discusses, suppression could be the reason you’re stuck—and what’s stopping you from progressing.

Feel the sh*tty feelings. Process unresolved trauma. Work through the grief. Emotional intelligence relies on avoiding reactive behaviors and making thoughtful decisions. And, unfortunately, you can’t do that if your emotions are all shoved into a tiny internal bottle.

Listen to Understand

When we’re fighting with someone, it’s so easy to put a guard up, get defensive, and stop listening. No shame, we’ve all done it! Until we realize that emotional intelligence is so much more effective. 

Listening to understand is one of the key components of healthy relationship management. And trust us, we know how hard it can be to sit, listen, thoughtfully react, and patiently wait your turn to speak. But the more you listen to understand instead of shifting blame and defending yourself, the more you’re able to create that safe space every partner desperately needs.

Oh, and fix your tone. (We say with love!) Just let “The Art of Effective Communication with Jefferson Fisher” from With Whit tell you why.

Communicate Needs Clearly

As much as you wish it to be true, your partner isn’t a mind reader. And even if they do know you like the back of your hand, communicating your needs is still a huge part of emotional intelligence. Because ultimately, asking for what you want isn’t selfish. Now read that ten times over.

Actually, it’s how to make “forever” last. For example, there’s literally nothing wrong with saying: “Hey, I need some extra reassurance today. Can you give that to me?” It promotes healthy boundaries, reduces interpersonal conflict, and fosters authenticity.

Take Accountability Without Shame

Sooo, it’s time that we stop tying shame and accountability together. Seriously. If anything, accountability is courageous. It’s powerful. And it’s a vital part of emotional intelligence. Being able to look at your partner and admit you messed up? That’s huge.

And it’s everything “Laird Hamilton on Marriage, Partnership, and Building Love That Lasts” talks about. That level of self-awareness promotes emotional growth—not just for you, but for your partner, too. Instead of blaming each other and, again, suppressing emotions, you’re correcting yourself in real-time so the same mistakes don’t happen twice. Effort + accountability = huge boost in emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence isn’t optional for healthy relationships; it’s a total non-negotiable.

To be loved is to be seen—and in relationships, emotional intelligence IS seeing someone for who they are and how they feel. Strong relationships don’t magically appear out of thin air (if only!). They take time, dedication, effort, and whoooole lot of emotional intelligence. And it’s something you have to work at every day. But trust us, it totally pays off. 

If you’re craving more advice just like this, then you’re exactly where you should be. On the Dear Media blog, there’s NEVER a topic we stray away from. Love life advice, health and wellness tips, TV show recommendations, pop culture updates—you name it, we got it. And so do our incredible Dear Media podcast hosts! Nobody’s alone when they’re part of the DM community.