Relationships

Can’t Stop Going Back to Your Toxic Ex? According to ‘Don’t Think,’ It Takes 13 Tries to Finally Leave

January 20, 2026

You already know they’re bad for you. You’ve known. You’ve journaled about it, vented about it, blocked them…then unblocked them. You swear you’re done—until one text, one apology, one “I miss you” pulls you right back in. And the worst part? You don’t even recognize yourself anymore.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I just leave? What is wrong with me?”—take a breath. According to Don’t Think host Carla Bezanson, that stuck, obsessive, can’t-quit feeling isn’t a lack of self-respect. It’s psychology. And in her latest episode, she explains why walking away often takes way more than one try, and what actually helps when you’re finally ready to make it stick.

Why you keep going back even when you know it’s bad

The word trauma bond gets thrown around a lot online, usually to mean “we bonded over shared trauma.” That’s not what it actually is. A trauma bond forms when you emotionally attach to someone who is actively hurting you—and then becomes the same person who temporarily soothes that pain.

As Bezanson explains, it’s a dynamic where someone breaks you down and then positions themselves as the only one who can lift you back up. “It’s like someone lighting you on fire and then they’re like, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m the only person in the world who has the fire blanket and can put the fire out.’”

This bond is reinforced through intermittent reinforcement—the same psychological mechanism behind gambling addiction. Bezanson compares it to pulling a slot machine lever. “You’re pulling the lever over and over again because sometimes you win and you never know which time you’re going to win, but you know that if you keep pulling it, eventually the good feeling will come again.” You stay because sometimes it’s good, and your brain keeps chasing that high, even when the lows are destroying you.

The hardest part? In the beginning, toxic relationships are usually more good than bad. The red flags creep in slowly. By the time it’s clearly awful, you’re already hooked—desperately trying to get back to those early days. But as Bezanson puts it, “That place was never real because it was literally designed to pull you into the relationship.”

Why shame makes it worse and keeps you stuck

If trauma bonding is the hook, shame is the glue.

At first, your friends and family show up hard. They listen. They validate. They tell you you deserve better. But as the cycle repeats, that support can start to feel…thin. Not because they don’t love you, but because watching someone you care about repeatedly return to someone who’s hurting them is brutal.

“It does become painful for people to watch someone they love repeatedly go back to somebody who treats them poorly and is destroying them,” Bezanson says. And when you sense that exhaustion from your support system? Cue the shame spiral.

You start feeling embarrassed. You’re terrified people will give up on you. So you start lying—about where you’re going, who you’re texting, whether you’re still in contact. Bezanson admits she lied constantly about seeing her ex, telling her mom and friends she was traveling for work when she was actually getting on a plane to see him.

“It gets to that point where it doesn’t make sense,” she explains. “And even you know it doesn’t make sense. And that’s one of the most frustrating things. It becomes this question on repeat in your head of, ‘Why can’t I just leave? What the f*ck is wrong with me?’”

Nothing is wrong with you. Understanding trauma bonding is the first step toward being gentler with yourself—because as Bezanson points out, “Half of the battle is shame.” Once you stop beating yourself up for staying, you can actually start figuring out how to go.

@carlabezanson Well I mean it doesn’t work #fyp #foryou ♬ original sound – 🧁 snarly carly

What actually helps (and what doesn’t)

Here’s the part most people don’t want to hear: you can’t force yourself to be done before you’re done.

Research shows that on average, it takes about seven attempts to leave an abusive or toxic relationship for good. Bezanson was told by her therapist it could be as many as 13. She didn’t hit all of them—it took her four or five tries—but every single attempt matters.

“It’s like riding a bike,” she explains. “You fall, but you don’t go, ‘Well, f*ck, I fell. I’m never, ever doing it again. I’m not trying again. I’m done.’ You get back on and then you try again and you wobble a little less until one day it sticks.”

One of the biggest things that changed everything for her wasn’t willpower, but specialized support. A therapist who understood unhealthy relationship dynamics didn’t tell her to block him or quit cold turkey. Instead, she taught her to put space between the urge and the action.

That pause matters. When the text comes in and your body screams respond, delaying the response interrupts the brain loop. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to not feed the craving immediately.

And about blocking: doing it before you’re ready often backfires. “It’s like putting a piece of cake in the kitchen and then going in your bedroom and closing the door,” Bezanson says. “You still know the cake is right there.”

Blocking works when you genuinely don’t want access anymore—not when you’re secretly hoping they’ll text so you can feel chosen for five seconds. It works when curiosity finally feels heavier than relief, when you stop wondering, “What would happen if I replied?” and start trusting that nothing they say will change the outcome. That’s when “out of sight, out of mind” stops being a cliché and starts being real.