Maybe Marriage Was Never the Point: Why Women Don’t Want to Get Married or Have Kids Anymore

Between the 4B movement, viral dating horror stories on social media, and the House passage of the SAVE Act, American women seem more dissatisfied with men than ever before. Coming In Hot host Caroline Baudino has noticed a side effect of this: “There’s been so many younger women in my life […] saying that they didn’t wanna get married or have kids. I think there is a real decline in [interest toward] the idea of marriage and children.”

Growing up, Baudino always pictured herself married with kids, despite her tumultuous family life. She was basing her vision on the TV show Little House on the Prairie. “I loved the family. I loved Charles Ingles,” she explains. “I loved the little family even though they really didn’t have much. I loved seeing their love and their respect for each other.”

In Little House, Baudino says she found a model for how marriage and family should work. Are modern women lacking such models? What drives their hesitation toward marriage?

The world is too scary

“I can see why younger generations now don’t wanna get married and have kids,” says Baudino. “When you’re witnessing everything that’s going on in the world; natural disasters, wars, and everything. It’s so fucked up—so why would you wanna bring a kid into this, right?”

Women have more independence—and less tolerance for bad marriages

“Women have become so independent and they have become so badass,” says Baudino, “There’s this whole new generation of women that are working and making their own money and taking care of themselves. They’re like, ‘Why the f*** am I putting up with his s***?’”

Baudino reached a breaking point in her previous marriage when realized being man-less was far from the worst fate. “I’d rather be alone than in bad company any day,” she says, adding, “I don’t need to pick up after you. I don’t need to take care of you. I don’t need to baby you.” Instead of focusing on the needs of a husband, Baudino suggests taking up this attitude toward relationships:

“If we can help each other be the best versions of ourselves, help each other take care of a home and children so that we both and we all get to live our best lives, then amazing.

I will consider it. But I was like, if you think that I’m gonna sit home and just take care of you and do everything for you while you go live your best life, that’s not gonna happen. That doesn’t actually work for me. I would actually rather be alone ’cause I personally love my own company.”

Moms don’t get enough support—and they’re talking about that

Thanks to social media, women now see beyond the “marriage and kids made my life complete” narrative. As Baudino points out, “There isn’t a lot of support for women. They do give up the most [in order to have a family]. A lot of the time when you do stay home and take care of the kids, you don’t know what you’re gonna have to handle.” 

Women are more open about their struggles with things like sick children, infant mortality, neurodivergence, and more general parenting challenges. “We’re actually seeing so much more from all around the world, and 24 hours a day you really are seeing ‘the hard.’ Moms are finally feeling like we can say ‘It’s not that easy,’” she points out. 

Women are also more open about not receiving the support they need from friends and family. “Hey, where is the damn village?” asks Baudino. “Everyone says there’s a village. There’s no village.”

So now what?

First of all, marriage and kids are not for everyone. The fact that women feel less like it’s the only option for them is not exactly a negative. As Baudino says, “I don’t want you diving into marriage. Life is very hard. Marriage is hard. Kids are hard. It’s all really hard.” 

For those who want marriage and kids but fear disappointment or failure, Baudino wants you to know that it is possible. The most important step along the way is being comfortable with your own company. 

“It starts with you in the relationship with you,” she says. “The relationship you have with the person in the damn mirror. I do think that you can be married, you can be a mom, you can be a wife, you can be a daughter, and you can be the best version of you. I genuinely believe that. But you have to do the work. You gotta figure out who you are. So stop rushing for someone to take care of you.”

How to achieve that? Baudino suggests this technique: “I walk up to the mirror every single day and I remind myself, ‘You are smart, you are capable, you are strong, you are beautiful, and you can do hard things. Yes, you can.’ I say that to myself so that I feel good and I feel confident.”

It’s far better to be with your awesome self than it is to be in a bad marriage. But if that’s a goal of yours, Baudino says, have faith. Especially if you grew up in a family that was chaotic like Baudino’s.

“I believe that there is a future where men and women work together for the greater good and we build families that aren’t so traumatized,” she explains. “I think we can heal some of those wounds. We can break generational, vicious cycles and one of them is never wanting to get married and have kids because of our parents or because of our families.”

Be kind to yourself and listen to your gut. If you don’t want to get married because you love being a solo badass, that’s great. But if you yearn for marriage and worry it’s doomed to fail, start with being kind to yourself. You never know where it might take you.

For more advice from Caroline Baudino, listen to Coming In Hot.